Head Above Water

Chapter Thirteen

Lilith did her best to quietly sneak out of the house, heading in the direction of the river.  She had already been there once today but desperately felt the need to go back.  She wandered, continuously checking her phone for any notifications but considering the time, there wasn't anything to distract her.  

She softly spoke when she reached the open space by the water, "Beck?  If you could do your ghost thing and appear right now, that'd be pretty cool.  I just need someone to talk to."  Lilith walked around, kicking at the ground.  Beck showed up behind her, catching her off guard.

"What are you doing up right now?  Didn't I say you needed to get rest?"  Beck watched as she turned around suddenly, her eyes shooting open for a second.  Lilith gave a quick shrug, walking past Beck to sit by the water, this time on the actual ground.  She kicked off her shoes, placing her feet in the water.  

"I couldn't sleep.  I think there's just too much going on.  It's making my mind go crazy."  Beck sat down next to her, giving her a disapproving glance.

He was concerned, but also trying to not shove his advice down her throat.  "It looks like you haven't been sleeping much at all, Lilith.  What do you need to talk about to calm your mind?"  Lilith only shrugged, feeling exhausted.  Beck gently laughed, trying to lighten the situation.  "You can't come here with the intention of talking to me and not know where to start.  I saw you crying earlier.  Are you feeling better now?"

Lilith's head shot up, "You saw?"  Beck simply nodded.  "You didn't show up though."

"Well, it looked like you needed to be alone.  Then I saw my brother show up."  Lilith couldn't help but smile at the thought of Beck finally seeing his brother.  "Seeing him brought up some of my own emotions, and then it also made me realize something."

She watched Beck's eyes closely, anxious about what he was thinking.  

"It's clear that you don't want to kill yourself, Lilith.  You want help, you're just afraid to ask."  Lilith glanced down at her hands crossed over her lap.  "While I'm a good person to start opening up to, it's not a permanent solution.  We need to work on finding you a strong support system, a real one that will always be around for you, not just in the woods.  I think once we do that, and you start finding genuine happiness, maybe that's what will help both of us get what we want."

"When does all this finally end and we know we've done what we needed to do?  It's tiring."  Beck shook his head in response to her complaining.

"It wouldn't be so exhausting if you just tried to sleep, Lil.  I think you just need to work up the courage to finally talk to your family.  They seem to be a big worry of yours."  Beck knew what he was talking about, and Lilith hated it.  Her family was the last group of people she'd ever want to let in on the truth.  

She frowned to herself, "I'd have to tell them everything?"  Beck only nodded.  "Like about you and everything from this summer?"

He smiled, chuckling softly, "For the best results, probably."

There was a rustling noise from the trees across the river, making them both shift their attention.  Lilith's heart began to race, knowing that there were wild animals in the area.  She did her best to stay as quiet as possible, watching the opening in the trees closely.

Beck had disappeared, leaving Lilith alone with the scary noise.  She looked around frantically, mumbling to herself.  "Thanks a lot, Beck."

Toby's body appeared through the trees just a moment later, glancing around and quickly spotting Lilith.  "Oh, hey.  I wasn't expecting anyone to be out here."

Lilith shrugged, looking around.  "There usually isn't.  What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep, thought I'd take a walk.  I wanted to see if trying to talk to Beck might help me."  Lilith nodded, understanding the feeling.  "What about you?"

She simultaneously shook her head as she lifted her hands in defeat, "I don't know.  I guess I couldn't fall asleep, either."  Toby nodded before motioning with his hands, basically asking permission to cross the river towards her.  Lilith smiled, lightly patting the spot next to her.

She watched Toby hop from rock to rock, quickly making his way next to her.  He sat beside her, Lilith instantly noticing their arms brushing against one another.  Lilith sighed to herself, "If you wanted to be alone, I can head back.  I know this place is kind of a personal area.  I was actually just about done out here."  She turned her torso to reach for her shoes, but Toby rested his hand on her leg.  

"No, you're fine staying here.  Actually, you're probably the only person I'd want here."  Lilith's smile grew at his comment.  She watched as he pulled his hand back, their arms touching once again.  Lilith placed her hands in her lap, waiting for Toby to say anything else.  "It's crazy because we only really met a week or so ago, but you already know so much about my life.  Some things more than I ever knew."

Lilith nodded in agreement, "Yeah, I never really expected my summer to turn out this way."

Toby smiled down at the water, "Were you talking to Beck out here?"

"We apparently had the same idea," she nodded as she softly spoke.  "He was surprised to see you earlier."

His head lifted, "Beck saw me?"  Lilith smiled towards him.  "Does that mean he'll hear what I'm saying?"

"He should.  I'm not sure where he disappears to, but he's never far."  Lilith watched as Toby nervously smoothed out his shorts, trying to keep calm.  "Just say whatever's on your mind, he's still your brother."

Toby took a deep breath, giving Lilith a small smile before keeping a straight face.  "When Beck had left, I was so mad.  Nobody would tell me where he went, why he left, or anything about him.  I know I was young and I shouldn't have to hear about how he took his own life, but not being told anything hurt more.  I thought he probably walked out just like our dad."

Lilith had a sad smile on her face as she watched Toby keep his focus on the water.  His eyes shifted from his hands to the water, then to the direction of his house.

"I was mad because he never said goodbye.  He didn't call or even leave a note.  There was nothing.  He was just gone."  Toby's voice got quiet on the last word, but Lilith could hear him crack.  She didn't think about it but slid her hand into his.

He didn't look to her or say anything, but just held her hand tighter.  "I cried about it, and I grieved the same way as when my dad left.  But after today, learning what actually happened, it's like I have to grieve all over again.  I shouldn't be mad, but it's just how I feel."

Lilith leaned her head against his shoulder, softly speaking, "You're allowed to react and feel these emotions again.  You just learned about this after being kept in the dark for however many years."  Toby gently rested his head against hers, sighing audibly.  

She watched in the distance as Beck came into view.  He had his hands in his pockets, a small sad smile and guilt all over his face.  She was able to make out the words he was mouthing.  "Tell him."

Lilith shook her head slowly, swallowing her fear and closing her eyes.  She didn't want to tell him, especially not at this moment, but if Beck thought it was a good time then she believed it was now or never.

"I wanted to kill myself."

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