The Fragmented Luna

Burn Me Down

"Rowen are you listening", Valerie said as she nudged me from my absentminded state of existence. I kept my eyes averted towards the marble floor. I watched the marble swirling together in a tornado of color. It was therapeutic to feel my mind drift into nothingness as I stared. After my talk with Amber I needed to escape my boggled mind from the darkness in my life now.

"Earth to Rowen. I've been talking to you for quite some time, but all you've done is ignore me", Valerie repeated in a frustrated tone as she waved her arms dramatically in front of me. I heard Valerie speaking but she was interrupting my desire for cherished solitude. Now that I was made aware of my surrounding my brain went into overdrive. The reason being that I was trying to put the puzzles pieces of my life together. I wondered if I would ever understand my past or if I would end up with an endless stream of unanswered questions.

"Sorry, I have to go to class", I said as I left Valerie looking worried. I walked down the hallway alone. In such a short time I had gotten used to hearing someone talking my ear off in between classes. Even if I thought I wanted to be alone, the silence had created a void I never knew existed before. It didn't help that on my lone journey I received more attention than ever. I was glad when I finally arrived in front of my classroom because I needed this escape.

I breathed in the familiar scent of paint, clay and charcoal in the air as I entered my art class. The scent hit my nose and I felt my mind completely empty of all thought. It was relaxing to be able to focus on something I loved. I ran my fingers over my easel with the desire to draw something deep on my canvas. The teacher started her daily routine with her usual gusto. The first topic of conversation was concerning the project we would be working on today.

"Today we will be working on drawing a portrait of ourselves", the art teacher said as she pointed to the projection screen. "See this", she said as she pointed to a portrait on the screen. I looked at the portrait intrigued by what I saw on the projector. It was a portrait of a face molded into tin foil that the student had taped onto her canvas. "This is a portrait a previous student made of herself. For this project you have free creative reign and may use any medium you want", she said enthusiastically. "You may begin now. Just remember it is due at the end of the period", she concluded as she stepped away from projector screen. 

I knew instantly that I would be using oil based paints for the self portrait as my medium. I grabbed dark charcoals and other earthy tones hoping to create a successful piece of art. The only thing I wasn't sure of was what to draw on that empty canvas. It was hard to come up with an idea when I had changed so much. I was stumped but I started making dabs of paint onto the paper hoping the image would come to me.

Instead of finding an image I stared out the window of my art class watching the rain as it cascaded down the windowpane. A sense of melancholy entered my soul as a whirlwind of emotions ripped through me. I saw the little droplets of rain on the glass trickling through a small opening in the window. As the swirling storm continued its heavy assault outside I felt the inner storm raging within me. It was not too long ago, that a similar rainstorm on a dreary winter day, had changed the course of my life forever.

It had been raining heavily that day Samuel had decided to worm his way into our lives like a slithery snake. Aunt Tabby had gone to the grocery store to get the ingredients to make her signature lasagna dish. Samuel had been the kind bystander who helped my Aunt Tabby carry her groceries to the car. Somehow Samuel had ended up coming home along with the groceries for dinner. It was like Aunt Tabby had lost her mind from the very moment she had met him. 

"This is my friend Samuel", Aunt Tabby had said with a quivering look in her eyes. He had held onto my hand with his filthy fingers for longer than necessary. in the background Aunt Tabby boasted about how it had been 'from the kindness of his heart' that they met. She claimed that 'he was her destiny' but I didn't see the kindness she saw.

"Its nice to meet you, Rowen. I've heard so much about you", he said as he touched the inside of my wrist in a disgusting manner. Aunt Tabby had been too blind with his kindness that she had overlooked his true slimy nature. It wasn't my business so I never questioned their relationship with each other. Aunt Tabby had seemed like she was happy every time they were together. Now everything was a mess of lies so deep I didn't know anything true about myself or my loved ones.

I stared out the window feeling like the raindrops hailing down were my tears. The canvas was still just a base of black tones that were swirled together. I wondered if I would remain the color black; lacking in some way I didn't know. I shook my head to clear my mind from negative thoughts. The black canvas in front of me was the perfect representation of my forgotten past. 

I needed something more than just this darkness to represent myself but something was missing. I needed to think harder, I needed to get through the darkness, and I needed to reach the depths of my soul. It wasn't about the assignment that had to be done by the end of the period anymore. It was about the meaning of my future as Rowen Whitley and letting go of the person I used to be.

In my mind I saw the forest with the long and winding dark path. I picked up my paint brush in anticipation of the image that might spark from this dangerous contemplation. In my heart I saw the blood seeping onto the crunching leaves below me.  'Playtime is over", a voice said in a muffled voice. I was holding a paint brush as the scent of candles propelled me forward towards something feral within me.

"Draw", the voice said sadistically. I felt the paint bush moving on its own like wax from a candle onto the paper. A creature was in the forest causing the swirling flames to grow in strength from those candles, I turned around to face the creature behind me to see the wolf standing there. The painted melted onto the canvas in a swirling vortex of fiery colors. 

I looked at the wolf nervously as I saw the fire in its eyes as it howled at the moon. I looked to the sky to see where it was looking to see the blood red moon. As I turned around the wolves claws ripped across my face tearing the skin there. There was something inside of me chanting towards finishing the painting with dabs of black paint. The bell rang breaking me from the trance that I had been in for the past few minutes. 

"Holy shit that's spooky", someone said from my side. I looked over at the girl who was looking at my painting with fear. I was able to focus now on the painting that I had drawn understanding the girls fear. There were claw marks of a creature slashed across the painting that someone had made. The claws were slashed across a painting of fire that engulfed the forest from what memories I had left. It looked as if someone or something was trying to claw its way out of the painting. I rushed out of the classroom leaving the painting behind feeling the scar on my face burning uncontrollably. 'What was this feeling inside of me?', I wondered.