~Jahsehs pov
Stokes is taking me to therapy again today like he always does
"Can you please stay out here today?"
"If you want me too" he said turning off the car
"I want you too, love you I'll be back" I smiled and gave him a kiss then got out of the car
I sat down in the chair across from my therapist
Every week I see her, and I'm going to continue seeing her because it's really working
"Anything new Onfroy?" She asks
"Mm nope not really" I shrugged slouching back into the chair
"How's Stokeley doing?"
"He's good, he wants to have sex though"
"And what do you want?"
Like I said I don't know what I want I can't be trusted to make my own decisions
Sex might be a lot for me, but who knows
"I don't know, how am I going to know if I'm ready for that? What if it just reminds me of melly and I'm uncomfortable and I want to stop"
"Then you ask him to stop and if he's as good of a boyfriend as he seems, he'll respect that you don't want to do anything right now and stop
He isn't Melly he's Stokeley don't don't assume or think you'll be comfortable Because then you will be and don't assume he'll make you do things you don't want to do because he won't"
"He's a good boyfriend, he's not pushing me to have sex and he rarely brings it up but yesterday we were on a date and he mentioned a romantic night at home and that sounds nice but am I ready?"
"I don't know Onfroy I'm not you but It sounds to me that you might be, if you weren't you wouldn't need to talk about it you'd know you didn't want too but don't do it just because I think you're ready. Take it slow, kiss and let one thing led to another and if at any moment you feel uncomfortable ask him to stop"
She's right, and I know he'd stop if I asked I just don't want to lead him on and then say no
I'm not over the Melly situation, I still think about it and sometimes I'll have nightmares and shit but not like I used too
But he isn't Melly he's Stokeley.
"You're definitely the best therapist I've been too" I smile at her
"Well thank you, I try to be the best I like helping people"
"You're doing a good job I came in here broken and confused and now I almost know what I want and I'm happier than before" I chuckle
After that we pretty much talked about my mom and little brother
And the fact that I never get to see them and how that bothers me
I wish Stokeley could meet them, maybe one day I'll have to make that happen
I want my mom to see I'm happy
And I miss her and my brother
"Before I go Do you think I should move in with him?" I ask
"Well you basically already live with him right? And him being with you all the time makes you feel more comfortable than when you're alone?"
"Yes and yes" I nod
"Then do what'll make you happy, if moving in with him makes you feel happy and safe I think you should do it if you don't want too or you have any doubt then wait you'll know when the time is right"
"Okay thanks See you next time" I say walking out
I went and set up my next appointment
Stokeley was waiting in the car for me
I didn't want him to come in this time because I wanted to talk about the having sex situation
Sometimes I wish he didn't even know I was raped because I don't want him to think I'm fragile and treat me like I'm broken
I didn't want him to hear any of the conversation with my therapist
I'm not having sex with him yet I'm going to give in a few days before I even try to go any further than kissing so I have time to think about it
And by think about it I mean over think and freak myself out for no reason
"How'd it go?" Stoke asks as I got in the car
"Good, talking to her always helps" I shrugged
"Still won't tell me what you needed to talk about?" He asks
"Nope its a secret"
"Fine, coolie texted while you were inside and he wants us to come over he has another friend for us to meet but only if you want too"
Another friend? Remind me to start carrying my pocket knife around with me again
"Yeah that's fine"
He leaned over and kissed them then started the car and began driving
This friend better not be a creep and I'm not going to be nice to him
Maybe it was because I was kind of nice to Melly
I'm not even going to say hey to this one I got enough friends
I got stoke coolie Tank rawhool and that's it
"Stoke?" I randomly say
"Yeah babe?"
"Say we do start kissing and it starts leading to other things, if I want to stop can we stop?"
"Of course Jahseh, I'm not making you do anything you dont want to do id be a shitty boyfriend if I forced you into having sex knowing what just happened to you"
Hearing that calmed me down a bit
I knew he wouldn't force me but hearing him reassure me makes me feel good
Seems like I need a lot of reassurance lately
"Wait is that what you talked about with your therapist?" He asks
"Um that and a few other things it's not important though"
"Mhmm" he began driving
"why does coolie always gotta make new friends, ain't we enough to deal with?" I laugh
"I don't know coolies just friendly"
That he is, always got way to many friends
*** boring chapter, working on better ones now
