Trust

Chapter 18

March 2017 | N O W | Guilty Conscience
Lori's Diner

I studied my fork as I stabbed into my French toast, watching it as I slid the piece that I'd broken off alongside of my plate into the raspberry syrup before pushing it into my mouth and chewing.

            As I chewed, I looked at Kellie who was doing something on her phone before putting it down onto the table and looking at me, grabbing her glass of blackberry lemonade. I smiled at her as a chewed and she blinked an eye at me as she sipped, making me giggle a bit.

            We were at our usual spot, Lori's, having brunch like we usually would do. And although it was her treat, I honestly wanted to be home and in bed, right now. I was honestly happy to be out of the house because Sterling was easing off of me staying in bed, but it also had me feeling as though I was being a little bothersome to him.

            Ever since telling Sterling the full details about the situation between Monice and I, things have been awkward at home. Monice and I weren't talking and I rarely ever see her, even when she's at the house, but things with Sterling and I have definitely changed. Although they've changed, it was confusing on whether it was for the better or the worst.

            Whenever I'd leave the house, Sterling would be two footsteps behind me, leaving the house. I mean, he would literally stop something that he's doing in order to leave the house.

            Just yesterday, he was changing the oil in his car and when I told him that I was going by the pharmacy to pick up my meds, he went so far as to calling an uber and went to one of his frat brothers' house because Monice was home and he didn't want to be left alone with her.

            I knew that I shouldn't, but I was feeling like I was inconveniencing him all because of my insecurities. Just like today, I felt as if I was inconveniencing him by going out to brunch with my best friend. He actually dropped me off and told me that he was going to the mall to pass time when he actually didn't have a reason to go to the mall. I felt pathetic because of it.

            "You shouldn't feel like you're stopping him from doing anything. He's making that decision to stop doing what he's doing because he wants to. You're not forcing him to." Kellie said, almost as if she could read my mind.

            That's why we were best friends. She knew what I was thinking most times. Often times, she never spoke on it because she didn't want to overstep her boundaries. She also knew that if I didn't bring it up, she won't start it up.

            "I just can't help but feel guilty." I sulk.

            "You're not the one who fooled around with Monice's man. She fooled around with yours. If anything, Monice should be leaving out whenever you are. But I also told you that I strongly believe that Sterling wasn't doing anything. I just don't see him as that guy. And I mean, he's clearly doing this to hold on to the trust that you've got in him."

            I just couldn't shake that guilty feeling that I had in the back of my mind. Like maybe I shouldn't have put so much energy into this and none of this would be happening. If I would've just kept my bitter jealousy to myself at the hospital. None of this would be an issue nor would it be today's topic.

            I let out a deep sigh, wanting to just change the subject. I was tired of talking about my problems.

            "Forget about me and my problems for a minute. How are you and your boo?" I asked.

            Kellie hadn't been talking about him lately, so I figured I'd ask. She had yet to introduce her man to Sterling and I. It was almost like since I had all of this going on, I didn't give Kellie any room to boast about her relationship after so many years of being single. I felt like a horrible best friend and I also felt that I needed to do better as her backbone. She was always here for me, but I wouldn't even be able to tell you how she was doing mentally.

            A smile instantly spread across her face as she looked down with a blush. She shook her head and cleared her throat.

            "Everything is..." she paused, "everything..." she paused again...

            I wasn't sure of what she meant, so I figured I should pry.

            "Meaning?"

            "Meaning that he and I may have rushed into things a little bit." She sighed. "He is an awesome guy and he's so patient with me, but I just don't know...it's like I feel like I'm not fully in it like I should be. He does all of these nice things for me, but I've been putting him to the side lately."

            I wasn't following what she actually meant.

            "What do you mean? Is everything okay?" I grew a heart aching concern.

            "Everything is fine, Val." She assured me. "It's just...I'm sort of going through the same situation that you are with Sterling and Charleston."

            "What?" I asked, somewhat confused and a bit understanding of what she meant, at the same time.

            "I can't help but to think that all of this is just too good to be true. My intuition is telling me one thing and my heart and coochie is telling me another. I'm just afraid that he could possibly be another Tyrone." She pressed.

            "Another Tyrone as in...cheating?"

            "Yes." She let out a deep sigh. "I think he is cheating. What man doesn't? Finding a faithful black man is one in a million and to think that Ohaji is that one in a million makes it hard for me to believe. I mean, he's got a great job, he just put down on a house, and he's currently always magically in the office when he hardly stayed his black ass in the office when we first started dating. It just brings back too many memories of when Tyrone would claim that he was in the studio when he was actually driving random hoes around in my car while I was at home wondering where he was at and what he was doing."

            The sigh that she'd taken after explaining this to me sounded as if she had been stressing about this for a minute now and now that she was finally able to speak it out, the weight was released. That feeling was all too familiar. But that feeling was also accompanied by uncertainty. I couldn't help but to feel responsible.

            I shake my head, feeling full of shame.

            "I'm sorry, Kelz. I've been coming to you with all of my problems that I've never once stopped to ask if everything was okay with you. I feel so pathetic."

            "No, no, Val. Don't. Don't ever feel like that."

            "I can't help but to feel like that. You're always such a great friend to me that I never stopped worrying about my own problems."

            "Val, trust me. I get it. And it's really no big deal. It's probably just the fearful me trying to keep myself away from the happiness that I deserve."

            The table grew silent for a few moments.

            "I'm falling madly in love with Ohaji and the last thing I want to do is bring my past into it. He could be doing nothing and here I am, worried about something that's probably nothing." She said, breaking through the silence.

            I took a deep breath because I knew that it was now my turn to say the exact words that she'd once said to me about Sterling to her about Ohaji...

            "Kellie, I don't know Ohaji like you do, but I honestly don't think hes doing anything wrong..."

            And although I could definitely be wrong, I didn't want her to stress out like me and land into an even deeper situation such as mine. I knew that I needed to find a way to make things right between Sterling and I. And him constantly doing what he's doing now only made me feel wrong for even accusing him of doing something like that with my sister.

            I needed to fix this.

            Once and for all.