buzzcut season

31.

Unedited
I will be finishing this mess is a story very soon!
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I lay in bed next to Elle quietly.

"Something wrong?" I ask.

She's quiet for a moment before mumbling, "no."

"Yes. What is it?"

"Nothing," she sighs turning around.

The window that takes up the wall in my bedroom, dimly lights up my room so that I can see. Neither of us bothered to close the curtains.

"What is it?"

She sits up. "I just feel you have been super distant lately."

"What do you mean?" I sit up as well.

"I don't know Koda. Just, when we first met everything was so nice and I felt like you and I were perfect together but then as time went on, there's so many things I don't know about you. How could I love and trust someone so much, but not even know who they are?"

I just stare.

"And I never knew who Luka was but now that you and him are taking again you're that person I don't know. Before I knew you as the cute, loving boy I went to school with but now you're... I don't know."

"I'm sorry I just..."

"And lately you've been on your phone all the time and never home with me."

She's right. I need to end things because as I'm sitting here all I want to do is call Luka over so I can play with his hair and watch him sleep.

"Think we should talk tomorrow morning?" I yawn.

"No. I'm serious. I can't sleep next to you right now not knowing what's happening. I want to know that things are going somewhere but lately it feels like I'm your second or third choice."

"Look, we can talk about all this tomorrow Elle." I lay back down but she pulls me back up again.

"Koda. You aren't yourself."

"Or maybe I am."

"Going our till late at night. Coming home with random new tattoos and all these crazy things. They aren't you."

I just want her to shut up. I've been tired of this 'good child' act for a long time but I'm about to crack and she's really pushing it.

"You're changing into something scary and I don't like it."

"Elle," I say sharply. "I'm extremely tired. Let's go to bed."

"See, you're voice is deeper."

"Fine. You want to do this at." I check the time. "Two am, that's on you. "I'm not some wholesome child who goes to school with you. I'm not the person you think I am. I'm a depressed, on the brink of being an alcoholic mess."

Now she just stares. "My dad basically bribed me into acting like a good child for the press. I'm sure you've read articles on the things I've done. Now you're right, I've been different but not in a bad way. I'm just figuring things out and as I'm doing that I'm realizing that we don't go well together like you think we do and I'm so sorry but... this needs to be done."

"What?" She cracks out.

"Elle, please, hear me out." I grab her hand and hold it. "I love you a lot but I'm a mess who you don't deserve. I'm in love with my best friend and that itself is a whole mess and I'd rather you just moved on and found a nice guy."

"But— Koda."

"Elle, you wouldn't like me anyway."

"You don't know that. Koda please no." She sniffles.

"See Elle? You're too good. I'm awful, you shouldn't want me okay? I'll make you a coffee and call you an Uber if you want to sleep at home."

She silently nods her head.

I get up to flick on the light and exit the room. I stand in the kitchen waiting for the coffee to be ready. I just stand there and think about how awful I am. I do love her but just not enough anymore and she really doesn't deserve that. It's for the better good.

She walks out of my room, all dressed and I hand her the coffee mug.

"So that's it?" She sniffles. Her eyes puffy and red.

"I know, I'm sorry." I move to hug her and I stay hugging her, rubbing her back to console her. I hate being the one to hurt her.

"It just feels so sudden."

"Elle, believe me, you'll be so much better off." I move away from the hug and look at her.

She frowns and starts sniffling again.

"I'll drop by your stuff another time, okay?"

She nods her head.

"Can you drop... drop it off at my p-parents please?"

I nod my head. "Yes. I will."

I walk her down stairs and wait outside with her till her Uber comes.

I go back upstairs and sit on the couch, not tired at all at this point.

I feel awfully lonely and guilty so I call Luka.

"The fuck?" He groans when he picks up the phone. "I was sleeping."

"Come over?"

"It's... almost three am."

"And? Sleep here tonight. We can sleep in as much as we want."

"Where's Elle?"

"Her and I just broke up."

"Oh..."

"Yeah so come over. Come sleep in my bed. I'm alone now."

"The moment ones gone you call the other," he snorts and I hear some shuffling.

"So you coming?"

"Oh yeah I'm coming," he says in a flirty tone.

"Shut up and get your ass over here," I say before hanging up.

It's not thirty minutes later that him and I are both laying in bed, my hand in his hair and me not the least bit concerned about Elle. This is why I told her I'm awful.

"Your dad didn't turn you into an awfully insecure gay did he?" I snort.

"You're awfully blunt."

We bot lay in the dark where I was about an hour ago.

"Well, there's a few reasons I broke up with Elle but one big one was hopes I could date someone else."

"Commitment stuff is a lot. It's three am let's just sleep." He buries his head in my chest.

"Lu?"

He just groans. Aha he's getting shy.

"C'mon Lu." I nudge him.

"Yeah okay fine. We can do the dating thing," he says really quickly and buries his head into the pillow this time. I can't see but he's totally blushing.

"Wow is this how you and Mal started dating?" I laugh. "Very charming you are."

"Shut up and sleep." His voice his muffled through the pillow.

"Hehe, I have a boyfriend."

He moves his head up off the pillow. "You're literally such a hoe. You broke up with your girlfriend an hour ago."

"Okay yeah we should shut up and go to sleep," I say getting under the covers and he snickers.