Coming Home

The first day

Sunday greeted me with pouring rain. I opened my eyes and closed them again immediately. My room was still empty save only one big suitcase opened on the floor. This suitcase contained all my stuff, everything that was left of my old life. Maybe I should unpack and prepare for school tomorrow. But I didn't want to. I wanted this to be a dream and if I furnished this room with my personal things, it would become reality.

Again I opened my eyes but nothing had changed. I sighed. This was leading nowhere and I didn't want to spend all day in bed. Neither did I want to spend it out there. But those were the only options I had.

My eyes met a small framed picture on the nightstand, the first thing I had already unpacked. It showed a tall man with dark hair and a graceful woman whose tan curls bordered her radiant face. She held a little girl on her arm while the man pointed out at the sea, trying to show them something which obviously delighted him. It was a pic taken, unnoticed by them, by a friend and for me it mirrored the perfect image of a moment of truthful happiness and love, as it happens only a few times in life. This was my favorite picture of my parents and me and the only thing I had left of them. Tears began to fill my eyes again and I hurried to get up to find something to keep myself busy.

Without so much as looking at it, I left the suitcase untouched and tried to make my way downstairs to the kitchen. It was already eleven am and to my relief there seemed to be nobody at home. On the kitchen counter I found a note:

'I'm out for a few hours, there are cornflakes and toast in the cupboard beside the fridge. Make yourself at home.

Yours, Ben.'

I found the cornflakes and some milk and took the bowl with me to the living room. Make yourself at home. How easy do you think that is?! I sat down on the black leather sofa and turned on the TV while spooning my breakfast. This should distract me for a while from my memories.

After watching a few episodes of 'How I Met Your Mother' I got bored and decided to take a look around. Beside the rooms I already knew, there was a small bathroom and an office down here, also a conservatory linked to the living room, watching out into the garden. Upstairs I found another bedroom next to mine, a little fitness room and a bigger bathroom.

I went in there and took a look into the mirror. I looked terrible. My skin was pale with some shiny spots on it, which I covered immediately. I always hated them. My long dark hair were straggly and my brown-green-golden eyes red, with dark circles beneath them. I looked exhausted and ill and that was exactly how I felt inside. Will be a great school day tomorrow I'm sure...

Suddenly there was this feeling again that I couldn't bear it anymore. Everything came over me like a dark unstoppable avalanche of memories and feelings, threatening to choke me. I felt like being caught in a cage, I needed air. Stumbling down the stairs I reached the garden door, ripped it open and stepped outside. A cold wind welcomed me, scourging my face with huge raindrops. Within seconds I was completely wet, but I didn't care. I stretched my face against the sky, letting it wash away the tears streaming now unhindered out of my tired eyes. My body stood completely still.

I didn't know how long I had been standing there when suddenly I felt a strong hand laying on my shoulder. It was Ben standing beside me. He didn't say anything, didn't shout at me, didn't ask me any questions about my behaviour. He was simply standing there, looking out into the rain. For a second I felt like there was a connection between us, like he could read my mind and understand me, understand everything. But the next moment the fence I had built around my soul to protect me was functioning again and I felt uncomfortable under his touch. Seeming to guess my thoughts, the actor removed his hand and turned around.

'Come on. Let's get in before anyone gets ill.'

I nodded and followed him back into the house.

I had a long hot shower and then followed Ben's invite, though quite reluctantly, to join him for a cup of tea. I didn't want to be rude, because he seemed to be a really nice guy, but it was just too hard to accept my situation as reality. I didn't think I could just go on with my life like nothing had happened and I couldn't stand everyone whether treating me like a four year old, or pretending like this was an everyday – situation. To say the truth I wasn't even sure what I was expecting from the people around me. I just wanted this to be not real, I wanted them to leave me alone, so I could turn back time and get back to my old life, where everything was so familiar and so right.

We made ourselves more or less comfortable on the couch, watching the flames in the fireplace beside the TV spreading a warm light across the room. Though it was only two pm, it was already quite dark outside, due to the heavy rain clouds allowing only a bit of grey light coming through.

For a long time we just sat there like that, quiet, listening only to the silent cracking of the wood. It was a comfortable silence and I began to get really tired again. I hadn't been up for a whole day yet and it was all very exhausting.

After a while Ben started to harrumph and I suspected something bad.

Come on you're doing good, don't spoil it, don't say anything...

But of course he did.

'You know, when I met your father for the first time, I was only a beginner, hadn't had any experience...'

He smiled for a moment.

'So I got to this set of a TV-Show called 'Heartbeat' and I had not a single clue of what I was supposed to do. Everyone seemed so busy and I felt like the most unimportant person on this planet. There was nobody even seeming to notice me at all. And then suddenly there was this man, the production manager, busy collecting all the stupid little actors like me and taking them to the place they were needed. And he got to me and treated me like I was the most professional actor he had ever met, not explaining anything to me, but just giving me the facts on what I had to do when. He talked to us in the most professional and respectful way I ever experienced and at the same time making us laugh and taking away our fear.

And all the years since then he always managed to do that if I had ever been nervous before any film I applied for. He has always been a true friend and you do not find that often in this business... and world.

What I'm trying to say is: Though I may not be able to know how you must be feeling at the moment I can really understand how much you have to miss your parents. Your mother also was a wonderful person and I do miss them both, I really, really do.'

I saw his eyes shimmering wet and feeling the pain coming back I had to fight the urgent need to just jump up and run away.

'So though it may seem to you that I don't understand anything I just want you to know that... if you ever feel alone and lost and cheated by the whole world around you – I'll be there for you, if you want to. Because that feeling is something I definitely know.'

He looked at the fire again, apparently having run out of words. He didn't seem to expect a reaction of me to that, but I felt like he would like to get one.

'Well... thank you. But... I don't think anyone can imagine how I'm feeling at the moment and... I don't expect anyone to, so don't... feel the need to understand me in any way... But I really appreciate your offer.'

I felt the tears coming back so I quickly got up and, murmuring something about being tired, I disappeared upstairs, crying myself softly into sleep.