Void // Billie Eilish

Thirteen

~
Alexis
~

The second I wake up I groan in pain and squeeze my eyes shut again, the pounding in my head making me want to curl up into a ball, fall asleep, and never bother waking up again.

It's only when I hear someone next to me that my eyes fly open in surprise, while my eyebrows lace together in confusion. When I roll over and see a familiar head of messy black curls, my eyes widen slightly.

"Fuck," I whisper and sit up, my hand coming up to anxiously run through my messy hair.

It's obvious shit happened, considering the fact that her top half is completely naked, and I myself am only wearing a graphic tee. I don't remember much from last night, my head is too cloudy from all the alcohol and smoking, but I remember little flashes of what we did.

Why did I do that? Why do I have no self control when I'm crossed? Why do I keep getting crossed?

I tangle my fingers into my hair when my head starts to flood with all kinds of anxious thoughts and questions, none of which I can muster up answers to at this point.

The one thing that stays at the front of my brain is Billie, and how I'm gonna go about handling this situation with her. I mean, I have to tell her. I can't keep lying to her, she'll never trust me enough to be committed with me again if I can't be open. But at the same time, she might never trust me again if I tell her about this.

I don't know for a fact how she would react to finding out about this, but I don't like how I think it's going to go down. I would personally be upset if she slept with someone else even though we aren't exclusive, and in all honestly I want her to feel the same way. Otherwise she just doesn't care about us.

So basically I'm in a situation where I don't want her to be mad but I also want her to be mad...what?

"Fuck," I mutter again and get out of my bed quietly, doing my best to let Shay keep sleeping.

I pull on a pair of sweatpants that are by my bed then grab my phone and walk into the living room while I go to text Billie.

Alexis: Can we still hang out today?

I stare at my phone like an idiot for a bit too long while I wait for a response, then realize I'm being weird and shove my phone into my pocket while I go to make some breakfast while I wait.

When I'm about to finish making a plate of waffles with the waffle iron I got from Finneas randomly, I hear footsteps padding into the kitchen. I turn around and bite my lip awkwardly when I see Shay, who looks just as uncomfortable in the situation as I do.

She's wearing clothes now, my clothes, and I lean back against the counter behind me while she does the same.

"Soooo," she starts and scratches the back of her neck. "Last night."

"Yeah...." I trail off lamely and avoid her eyes. "Look, Shay," I start but she cuts me off while waving her hand.

"I know what you're gonna say, Alexis," she says and I raise a brow. "You're in love with Billie and don't want to be with other people, last night was a mistake and we should pretend it never happened."

I cowardly avoid her gaze and bite my lip shyly, because she's completely right- that's exactly what I was going to say. As much as I like Shay, hell I used to love her for real, I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with her. Not when it gets in the way of being with Billie.