The Girl who Drowned in Darkness

Chapter 11: Fallen off the Deep End

Depressed; I don't even know why I thought I would be surprised. My mind was troubled with thoughts of my past and of new revelations. I really thought I had pushed my troubles away permanently, with everything that's been going on. But since last night's revelations, it just makes it all too clear, just how broken I am. Plus, it doesn't help that I had to wake up to such dreary weather.

There's just something about the rain, that makes me feel so exposed. But in a way, its comforting; ushering me to just let my guard down and open up. Its the moment when the rain looks like its in slow motion. And once it touches your skin, its like your drunk, affecting the way you feel and think. You immediately fall under its spell, compelled to just open up your already closed wounds. And when it finally comes to our past its sometimes a lot more inviting then what the present seems to be. So much so that a lot of us would rather live in the past then to face what's really going on in reality. Sometimes the problems and things we would have to face are too scary or too hard for any of us to deal with. Leaving us to escape the past, getting sucked right back into its comfortable demeanor. Almost paralyzing us from giving it up completely, while having to remind ourselves, that the past isn't what makes us, us. Its the experiences that made us a certain way, but it isn't who we are, not anymore.

You feel so affected and you wonder why something so simple could affect you this much. Why you couldn't be stronger, tougher. Because you expect that much of yourself. But you aren't, your naked, vulnerable, insecure. Reminded of things that make your heart ache. Things that remind you why you built those walls in the first place. And realizing how alone and sad you really are beneath all that tough exterior. You laugh and joke as if your fine, masking what's really going on underneath it all.

I guess that's what makes it so unsettling, to be reminded of how you feel inside even after days of being happy. Only to wake up and remember why you pretended to laugh and smile in the first place. Because you don't know how to do otherwise.

These are the types of days, I force myself to stay in bed. To be honest, the only thing that helps is if I see Lacey. She knows how I get when it rains. I remember what happened the first time, like it was yesterday..

******FlashBack******

Three months after what happened between Me, Jennifer, and Sofia..

It has been raining for a week now. To wake up every day feeling like your drowning and just want to give up. The loneliness all consuming. To wish and long for the rare moments when its not so bad.

Everything I am is dead.. Withered away. Some would say I should talk to someone about this. But what's the point of talking about something when there isn't anything to live for, not anymore. There's no point talking to someone who will try and fill your head of random reasons on why you should live, that don't even apply to you. I have no reason to live, no reason to fight, no reason to get up in the morning. No importance.. Just nothing..

Why should I continue to live when all I feel is pain? I don't even know what joy is. What's peace, what's love? They are about as nonexistent as my desire to live. Pain, loneliness, that's all I know. I'm so tired, tired of trying to fight. Tired of never being enough. Tired of fighting the same battles over and over. I'm just tired of living this life.

I'm not going to lie, I've thought of how I would end my suffering.

Maybe stabbing myself, bleeding to death.. That would be kind of poetic, the last time I bleed, would also be the first time I finally feel peace from my suffering.

Maybe drowning in a river.. There is an appeal to just drifting into darkness, completely cut off from everything, all my senses, breathing, everything. Just darkness, the only home I have ever experienced.