When we were wintergirls

Causing drama in drama club

About a month into the school year, drama club started. I had done school drama once before and my friends and I were known as the "drama nerds." I decided to go for it again. After many weeks of pleading Katelyn finally agreed to join with me. Again, I use the term "friends" loosely, as at this point she was the only friend I cared about. The rest were for show. I had lost or pushed away all of the others that had ever been real. One I lost in an awkward circumstance when I had the mistaken impression that I was in love with her. I didn't know what love was. That's why I didn't understand my infatuation with Katelyn until now.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, I was head-over-heels in love with Katelyn. I didn't understand it. I had not yet differentiated love from a crush. I didn't know. I wonder sometimes how our situations would have been different had I known. I honestly don't want to know. The possibilities terrify me.

Drama was hell. Everyone hated Katelyn and I. Mostly me, because I was loud and obnoxious and an absolute attention whore for Katelyn. I craved her gaze. Everything about me wasn't good enough because I wasn't as good as her and I wasn't good enough for her. I thought I could fix her but at the same time I didn't want to. I wanted to sink with her. Broken was beautiful, I thought. Broken, was brave.

The drama director hated Katelyn and I most of all. For a damn near sociopath she sure was loud and outspoken. We were nearly kicked out a few times. We weren't the only ones talking, but the director was pregnant and a crabby ass bitch so she chose us and it stuck. Everything down to our headphones were too loud. One time Katelyn told her off. She got kicked out for the day and I wound up alone under the cafeteria table. I could have joined my group of "friends" but they all called me a whore and Katelyn was the only one I really wanted anyways.