Blindsided

38

After I got home from the gym and showered, Simon picked me up to go back to the hospital. He had picked up food from my mom's favorite restaurant in Burton. The rest of us absolutely hated it, all thinking that they cooked on a grill that had never been washed before.

"It even smells awful. I didn't get a lot, so it won't look as bad if we don't finish it," Simon snickered, reaching across to grab my hand. I gasped for a second, still not used to the contact. He stilled, giving me a worried look.

"Sorry. It just feels really weird," I confessed, squeezing his hand in mine. I was not dainty—on more than one occasion the guys had to defend me from bitches at school talking about how butch I was. But Simon's hand still swallowed mine, his thumb drawing circles on my palm.

"Bad weird?" he asked softly. I shook my head. Being with Simon truly felt right. I think I had just shoved down feelings for so long because my image of love was so screwed up. I tried to force myself to love Jared, even though my best friend had my heart the entire time.

"Amazing weird," I paused, not sure if I should ask him or not.

He could totally read me, and it felt comforting knowing that my best friend was still beside me. That we hadn't lost anything when we told each other how we felt.

"Something's up. What's wrong?" he murmured. His hand wrapped around mine made me feel safe. It was so small and insignificant, but it still helped.

"I'm scared Simon," I whispered. "About my mom, about ruining my friendship with you, about going to Boston. Everything in my life right now is unstable, and I'm just waiting for it to all fall apart."

He took a deep breath, his eyes moving between me and the road. "Hey. It's not all going to fall apart. You've dealt with enough stress in the past four months to last you a lifetime. Don't waste your life waiting for disaster. Look at all of the good you have right now."

I gave him a confused look, trying to do what he said. He grinned and helped me.

"Your mom is alive. And you two are talking again. You get to spend time with her before you leave. That's amazing. The way you hold a grudge, I never thought it would happen," he teased. I pinched his shoulder, making him laugh. I already felt better, but that wasn't nearly good enough for him.

"And what do you mean you're scared about ruining our friendship? It may sound kind of harsh, but wouldn't you say that this friendship was ruined the second you tried undressing me at a bowling alley?" he snickered. I shot him a glare, but couldn't help but smile when I looked at him.

"I meant...before all this happened, you were my rock. You were there for me whether I wanted you there or not. Being in a relationship, it just changes that. What if things don't work out? What if we just don't mesh and we can't even be around each other. Losing you once made me realize that it would kill me if I had to do it again."

The mood in the truck was definitely a lot more tense after that. The smell of the godforsaken food in the backseat surrounded us. I only wished he would say something to make everything less suffocating.

"I know what you mean," he told me. I rolled my eyes, thinking he was only saying it to make me feel better. But he shook his head and laughed. "No, seriously. You were always the person I could talk to about anything. Going through losing you...without you, was impossible." He paused again to think about what he had just said. "Did that even make sense?"

I laughed at him and nodded. "So what you're saying is if I was there for you when you wanted nothing to do with me, it wouldn't have been so hard?"

He was the one that rolled his eyes this time, squeezing my hand in retaliation for teasing him. "What I'm trying to say is that you're the most important person in my life. Imagining anything without you is just pointless because I don't want anyone else there with me. You're my girl, and I get why you're scared to lose what we have if shit hits the fan."