“There's no doubt you're smart,” Jiwoo confessed “Though I wish despite all the knowledge you have about physics and mathematics, there was a little space in your brain, just a couple of cells, about having and comprehending dignity. About morals and realizing when whatever you're about to do is really shitty.”
Dignity. Morals. Jiwoo was harsh, throwing the words around that Heejin didn't have any. But, truth was, the girl needed to hear it that way. Only then would the realization sink in.
“I guess blaming you makes me a bad person.” she thought to herself “All you wanted was to make your dreams come true even though you could've done it without making a fool of me.”
The realization that the first steps to reaching her goals and dreams were just her stepping on other peoples' backs, pushing them down and trying to get what she desired.
“Have you prepared for the exams?” Heejin asked, pacing around in the waiting room full of students, candidates for a place in university with a very generous scholarship waiting for those who excelled.
Jiwoo sighed, fiddling with her pen in her hands. She took her time to look at the faces of the panicked students in the room, feeling their anxiety move from their bodies to her own.
“Yes, I have. For years now my parents have been going on and on about preparing for this moment, even after they told me to leave home.” she stopped for just a split second, swallowing the lump in her throat “This is my only chance. If something goes wrong, I won't be able to afford education. Maybe my parents will hate me more than they already do.”
They laughed. It shouldn't be a joke, however Jiwoo thought it was. Her parents were a joke, their fake words of love and acts of kindness. Everything was just an act. The only thing needed for them to drop their ‘happy parents, happy family’ masks was their daughter's sexuality. The ‘sin’, ‘unforgiven by God illness’, the ‘curse’ that fell on the Kim family once they realized their daughter wasn't how they wanted her to be.
“Making me look like a cheater on those exams costed a lot,” the redhead said “I was on the news too. Funny, right? Because the actual cheater got the scholarship with my exam answers in the end.”
Hyunjin knitted her eyebrows, jabbing with her elbows Heejin's side. The raven head had her eyes closed, head hung low while her long locks hid her face, clenched jaw and flared nostrils.
The test wasn't what Heejin expected. It was way harder than she thought it would be and she couldn't afford to humiliate herself in front of the committee that would grade her paper, nor her parents that had their expectations high.
“Hey Jiwoo!” the girl whisper-yelled to the redhead sitting just a seat behind her “Can you help me with these?”
She looked around, anxiously tapping her fingers on the desk when the redhead didn't respond. Had she not heard? If Heejin made another noise she could get kicked for attempting to cheat.
“Hey, Ji!” she tried again and Jiwoo raised her head, fear evident on her face features “Exercise 6B?”
“It's prohibited to cheat,” Jiwoo spoke the quietest she could, scribbling on her paper “And talk. I'm really sorry, Heejin-ah.”
Heejin never considered herself to be selfish. Thinking back on that day, though, proved the exactly opposite. But she expected Jiwoo to understand. Wouldn't she to do same to make her dreams come true?
“The fact that you could afford the school without the scholarship makes it even funnier,” Jiwoo sighed “What was it that you wanted? Recognition from your parents because of your hard work? The whole world to know rich girls don't care about about daddy's money when that's what gets them their degree anyway.”
The raven head wasn't one of those rich girls. She could get her degree by studying, like everyone else does.
“This is bullshit.” she mumbled.
Failing wasn't an option for Heejin.
“Hey what are you—” Jiwoo shouted when the girl snatched her paper and changed the name into her own, waving her arms around as she tried to get the teacher's attention.
The man in black took off his glasses, revealing a pair of two big and deadly eyes that sent chills down Jiwoo's back and made her freeze. Forget how to speak.
“This girl is trying to steal my answer sheets!” who wouldn't believe someone like Heejin? Her image screamed ‘I'm a good girl. A straight A student.’ which she was.
But not at that moment.
“Do you remember how the whole class mumbled when they kicked me out, banned me from taking the exams ever again?” the redhead asked “I do. I also remember you acting like nothing ever happened. Like everything on our local news was true.”
Jiwoo played along. No one would believe her anyway. Even if people don't like to admit it, they'd still believe everything Heejin said because of who she was and how much her clothes costed, how many rooms her house had, how many hotels her father managed. Everyone would believe the rich girl over the poor girl, who was never liked by her classmates in school and who's name has been brought up in many households. An example to be avoided.
“So it wasn't.” Hyunjin whispered “Of course it wasn't.”
“Baby, look—” Heejin paused the audio file, pushing a few strands of her hair behind her ears as she turned to look at the girl.
“No, you don't have to explain,” she spoke “We're all guilty.”
Hyunjin was usually the one to joke around constantly so hearing her voice drop and seeing her wipe the stupid grin on her face — the one Heejin had fallen in love with — the girl knew her girlfriend was being dead serious.
“I still hope you become the known doctor you've always dreamed of being.” Hyunjin pressed play, leaning her head on Heejin's shoulder when Jiwoo's voice sounded again “Maybe you'll be able to heal people like me. Maybe you won't be the reason they'll end up dead—”
Jiwoo sucked a breath in. Heejin could tell there were tears staining her cheeks the time she recorded it, she always tended to breathe loudly everytime she cried. It was her way of calming herself down.
“—for once.”
However, the day she slit her throat in Haseul's bathroom, breathing in couldn't settle the aching of her heart.
“I'm sorry to cut this session sort, but I don't know if there's anything more to be said.” Jiwoo whispered “Goodbye, Heejin.”
-kimwig
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12 REASONS WHY | LOONA
Fanfiction"If you're listening to this, you're one of the reasons why." Jiwoo was always viewed as the happy girl, the energetic one of her friend group. She had no reason to be sad, people thought, and if she was, she was being dramatic. But what if she real...
