A car honked loudly at another whose owner yelled and banged on his steering wheel. The traffic was suffocating and the pace in which the snow was falling had the people who just ended their shifts worrying about getting back home before the road was covered. Handling a car sliding onto a thin layer of ice and snow is no easy task.
However, Haseul didn't mind. She couldn't care less about her car parked in the lot just by their childhood park. She could easily walk back home despite the snowfall, her house wasn't that far anyway. All the brunette wanted to do was relax, listen to everything Jiwoo had to say as she brought back old memories in attempts of filling the emptiness the redhead's death had left in her heart.
"Sometimes I wonder if any of us really deserve you," spoke Jiwoo "You have been looking out for us more than our own families since the moment we met."
Haseul knew that by 'us' Jiwoo meant 'me', she was trying hard not to get emotional. Jiwoo was a person flooding of emotions and once she realized people hated her for it, she tried masking them in many ways. Every type of emotion, even if that was graditude.(just like now). Jiwoo had learnt not to let it show or else she'll be targeted, laughed at.
"I don't know what would have I done if you weren't kind enough to let me stay at your family's house when my parents kicked me out," Haseul was the only reason the redhead kept fighting "You saved me."
Meeting Jiwoo when they were still very young, Haseul often thought about how bright and successfull the younger would be in the future. Little Haseul would always rant to her mother about how much Jiwoo had made them laugh with her impersonations of wild animals they had read about in books at school or the silly cartoon characters of the shows the redhead would sneak in the living room at night and watch on the television all by herself when her parents went to bed. She wanted to be an actress, but could never stand up to it. Jiwoo didn't believe in herself, that was one of her most noticeable flaws. She let other people define her, tell her who she can and can't be, what she can and can't do.
Having the whole class laugh at her was a first. Jiwoo didn't know what had she said to make everyone laugh this much. It was extremely embarrassing as not only her grade — first — was gathered at the auditorium, but every other grade up until fourth.
"I don't get it, she only answered what she wants to be when she grows up." Haseul whispered at her classmate from the very back of the large room where the third graders where standing "An actress is a very cool job. It suits her."
The young girl on the stage bowed, eyes glistening from the tears pooling in them and little fits clenching while she ran backstage, falling into the arms of her teacher as she mewled loudly.
"Don't be silly, Haseul-ah!" her classmate laughed along, playfully pushing the brunette away by the shoulders.
Jiwoo never thought of herself as enough to do anything. Every opinions others had of her she would believe and most of the times would subconsciously adapt behaviors fitting to them. Just like that one time she was convinced she was a big eater because Sooyoung and Yeojin started teasing her about eating a pot of noodles all alone after track practice back in high school.
"You're going to explode, take it easy." sighed Haseul, picking her plate from the table "You never eat this much. Are you alright?"
Jiwoo laughed and nodded as she quickly ate the third bowl of tofu stew Haseul's mother had made before leaving for work that morning "Yeah!" it looked like she wanted to throw up "I'm a big eater, remember?"
Jiwoo wasn't, she could barely finish a bowl of stew. She had always been like that, eaten so little yet was full and energized.
"You were the reason I stopped myself from doing this way earlier," the red head breathed out "I've been thinking about it since way before everything that happened between the girls and I."
Haseul shook her head, squinting her eyes tightly and trying to get the image of little Jiwoo telling her all of this. With her high-pitched voice and beautiful, big, round eyes that had your heart melting, the deadly smile that whenever she flashed it you couldn't help but smile too, how she would bounce up and down when she was excited or the tears that would stream down her face from laughing so hard.
"I was unhappy and didn't even know why, there wasn't something that could possibly upset me so much it made me want to end my life," Jiwoo spoke loudly into the microphone, the squeaking of the chair she was sitting on sounding in the background. She was upset, she usually shook her legs whenever something was bothering her to an extreme extent "Until everything else happened. And I'm still unhappy, I still hate myself."
It was like one of the days the brunette had stumbled on Jiwoo crying, talking to herself about how worthless she was. Like one of the days she would lock herself in the guest bedroom and kindly decline every single one of Haseul's offers, either that was eating or simply hanging out and laughing over the many old comedies the older's father had stored in a huge green box in the basement.
"At least now I have an excuse," Jiwoo's voice shook "There's a reason I want to kill myself. Many of them."
Haseul could imagine only by the color of her voice in what state Jiwoo was while recording the file. Her hair would probably be messy, she surely wouldn't have brushed them. She would probably be in her pajamas, the pair Haseul had bought her for her birthday. She surely wouldn't have showered that morning. Tears would probably threaten to spill from her beautiful brown orbs and soothe the stinging of them from staying up all night. There surely would be dark bags under her eyes that she would conceal by simply smiling big once she got out of the room. Jiwoo's eyes dissapeared every time she smiled.
"And you are one of them," she spoke and Haseul bit her lip "But not because you hurt me."
That smile. Oh how much had the brunette missed seeing it, the genuine one. It had been so long Haseul had seen Jiwoo genuinely happy. Almost a year. Last time she saw her real smile was the day she ended her misery, the day she ended everything;
The 28th of December.
"It's because of me, because I hurt you." surely there were tears spilling from the red head's orbs.
"What?" the brunette breathed out, not minding the snow that had started to cover the screen of her phone.
"You've always looked after me, after all of us," Jiwoo cried, it was loud, ear piercing, it hurt "Never after yourself and if something ever happened to you, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself."
Haseul couldn't help but join Jiwoo. She never cried, the older was always composed. But knowing she had failed to save her, failed at her job as a good friend tortured her. It didn't let her sleep at night.
"If you were hurt because you focused on taking care of us rather than yourself I don't think I could've handled it," the red head whined "And it sounds stupid, I know. You're obviously beating yourself up for everything that happened now."
Haseul was. Every second of every day she would remind herself Jiwoo's death was her fault.
"Even though you knew."
And no matter what Jiwoo said, the feeling deep in her chest and the voices that echoed inside her head would never be satisfied. It was Haseul's fault. She wasn't able to save her.
"Please stop hurting yourself by taking responsibility for this. It was not your fault," Jiwoo sniffled "You know what to do next. See you soon. I love you!"
-kimwig
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12 REASONS WHY | LOONA
Fanfiction"If you're listening to this, you're one of the reasons why." Jiwoo was always viewed as the happy girl, the energetic one of her friend group. She had no reason to be sad, people thought, and if she was, she was being dramatic. But what if she real...
