The Diary

{4}

06-17-18

Dear Diary,

So tomorrow is a very big day for me. I feel like I'm ready, but I'm also nervous. It's gonna feel so good I can't even put it into words. Today is the day that I'm finally ready to do something that will change my life. It has to be tomorrow because I'm so busy today that I won't have time for anything. It's Saturday and I have to get ready for the thing I'm about to do.

I'm coming out to my family as Pansexual!!! I swear I'm so nervous, but also excited. Will my parents accept or decline me? Dani already knows and she's proud of me. She treated me the same. She's the only person I have ever told. She's straight, but I accept her for who she is like how she accepts me.

Mally B.

I put my diary under my blanket and pull up my Michael Kors bag and pull out my homework. I have to do a few essays, workbook pages, and 500-page writing on the thing I'm most proud of. I'm proud of who I am, so I guess I'll just write about that. I get started on my first essay for World History about Hamilton.

It's around 7:00 pm and I'm done with all of my essays. I put my laptop away and fall back on my bed exhausted. After a few minutes of laying there, I get started on my workbook pages for Drivers Ed. That took way less time because that is the easiest class that I have. I soon later get done with all of my homework and just carefully push everything off my bed. I lied down and started to close my eyes when I just hear someone bang on my door repeatedly.

"It's open," I say with my face in my pillow.

"Mallywannabegansta! You gotta eat something. It's been hours and you haven't eaten anything." I lift my head up and I see a bowl of ramen. I swear what would I do without her?

I sit up and take the bowl. I tell her "thank you" and tell her to leave me alone. She walked out, closing the door behind her. Ugh, she is the best sister just for closing that door. No one would close the door behind them except her. Minutes later, I'm done with my noodles and I sit the bowl on my nightstand. I lie back down in my bed just thinking...

How would I come out to mom and dad?

How would they react?

I felt myself drifting to sleep and that's what I ended up doing.

I wake up and everything looks cleaner than what it did last night. My homework was fixed on my desk, the ramen bowl was gone, and there was a different smell. I didn't know what it was, but it was nice. A few seconds later, Dani walks in and has a blueberry muffin and a glass of orange juice.

"Dammit, why did you wake up? I was gonna throw water in your face, then give you the muffin and OJ to apologize." She pouted.

I didn't say anything, but I did lay down and pointed to the door. I heard her leave the room, then I actually fell back to sleep. What seemed like a few seconds later, I jump off my bed, feeling the hot water on my face.

"Danielle Venessa Bergoli! What the hell is wrong with you? I was peacefully sleeping! Why the fuck would you do that?"

She sharted to cry. Shit, I forgot how sensitive she was. She may be 13, but she still is a child.

I sit down on my bed and put my arms out to say sorry. She comes in my hug and starts to cry harder. I felt her warm tears touching my chest and flowing down. She pulls away and hands me the blueberry muffin and OJ. I take a bite out of the muffin and handed it to her. She takes a bigger bite, putting nearly half of her face, getting blueberry stains around her mouth. I chuckled a little at the sight and she started wiping her eyes.

Suddenly, I see mom and dad through the doorway. I motioned with my hand indicating that everything was okay between us. We finished my breakfast and just lied in bed. She nuzzled her face in my chest and let out heavy, shaking breaths. We stayed like that until I heard that she was asleep. I laid her down away from me so I can get a little space, and her face had dry tears down her face, her eyes were red and puffy, and she looks so scared. The worst part is that I made her like that.

I'm such a terrible sister. I got out of bed and thought of ways to make it up to her. I can just give her money, but my broke ass can't do that. I only have $300 on my debit card and that may sound like a lot of money, but it's not. I have my phone bill to pay, and some other shit for school. I sit at my desk and open my laptop. I go on Wish and try to find something that is nice, but cheap. I end up finding a sibling necklace with two half hearts that say "Best Bitches" engraved in it. It may sound a little too much for a thirteen-year-old, but I know she will love it when she's older. It's $2, so I went ahead and purchased it.

I close my laptop and carefully take my diary from the blankets, so I won't wake Dani up. I sit at my desk and continue writing.

I swear I don't know what I would do without Dani. She's so nice to me and I tend to make her cry one in awhile. I still feel bad about all the times I've messed around, "playing" with her. The necklace I got for her is for real going to be my favorite necklace for me as well. I really love her as a sister. She's like my best friend that I can go to for anything. If I lose her, I would be nothing.

Mally B.