Bloom

43. painful trip groups

Zephaniah

Numbness.

One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five.

My eyes flickered open, I glanced at the time. I didn't want to go, but I had to. Important information would be given today, and if I'd miss that, the trip to another country would be even more stressful for me.

Taking off my noise reducing headphones when Dad stood next to the couch, I looked up at him, briefly making eye contact.

"Zeph, you don't have to go. The news.. well," Dad sighed sadly, he scratched Cooper's head. I swallowed, stared at his big brown eyes. Would he feel it? "It was overwhelming, you're upset."

Blinking my eyes faster, they averted to the floor, tracing the pattern of the laminating. "I have to." I whispered, standing up. Snatching my backpack from the table, I simply walked over to the car after kissing Cooper's head several times.

"Wear those today, okay? It's fine." Dad said quietly, pointing at the headphones that weren't for music. The ones I wore when things were too busy, too loud, especially when I was close to feeling overstimulated. It was my little escape in the hallways, in classes, in places I actually didn't want to be at.

Nodding, I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to focus on anything else than the news the phone call had given us. I tugged at my hair that was on the back of my head. Twirling the strand, pulling and tugging. I was sensitive, it hurt me but I kept going, needing to focus on something else.

"Don't hurt yourself, Zephaniah." Dad's voice sounded sad and when I opened my eyes and glanced at him, I was almost certain I could confirm that he actually was sad. His bigger hand covered mine, slowly removing them from my hair.

He held it softly, only letting go of it when he needed to switch gears. I let him hold it, it made me feel safer in this insecure situation, where my life could go anywhere without certainty. Like a dog that was desperately searching for his owner after he had abandoned him without a proper warning.

Because you attach- and dogs were one of the specific kind of animals that stayed loyal to their human beings, no matter what. For moments I wondered if dogs or humans were luckier in certain situations. If we ended up losing them, we'd usually exactly know why. The truth could destroy us, but couldn't we accept and process it better, afterwards?

Dogs knew they were missing someone, and they grieved, but they'd never think how or where or when or why. They simply didn't have the ability to, which made me wonder if it would be easier for them to process certain things.

One, two, three, four, five.

"We're here, Zeph." Baba whispered, dragging me out of my thoughts.

"Did you know dogs curl up to keep themselves warm and so they can protect their vital organs?" I blurted out, blinking away the tears that had appeared in my eyes. "When I- when I have stomach ache I do the same. Do we protect ourselves from the pain or because the pain wouldn't be able to damage something- something inside? Bye, Dad." Whispering, I kissed the corner of his mouth, my lips lingering on there for a long time.

"Zephaniah, stay home, please." Dad stroked my cheek when I had pulled away. "You're so upset."

"I'll see Haven and tell her about the cream puffs I really- I really liked." I swallowed, not knowing myself if I was even able to talk to somebody today.

Dad stared at me, he seemed so sad. It made me worried, I wondered if he was okay. "If you're having a rough time, stay with mum in the library, okay? I can make a call to William if you'd like, just so he knows.. that your mind can be somewhere else today?"