alive | ethma

17.

ethan dolan

"All I'm saying is maybe you should rethink-"

"Grayson! It's over, there's nothing more to be done." I snapped on him.

Grayson threw his hands up in innocence. "I'm just trying to help," he mumbled under his breath. I still heard it.

It had been one week since I asked Emma to leave my apartment, and Grayson still wouldn't shut up about it.

The days seemed to drag on. I found myself waking up in the morning just to wish the day was over already.

Obviously I missed Emma. I missed her soft and gentle voice, especially compared to Grayson's loud and obnoxious one.

Everyday I had to physically stop myself from walking into the library just to catch the slightest glimpse of her smiling face.

But, this was for the best.

To save both her and I from a lot more heartache later on down the road.

I had to remind myself of that every minute that passed on.

I accidentally got too attached to the way she brought light into my life.

That couldn't happen again, I just had to find a new light elsewhere.

I tried to find it in the bottom of a tequila bottle. It didn't give me the same feeling Emma did.

Neither did gambling, smoking, or eating.

Emma had shown me how to love life and how to be happy.

Now that I had a taste of what that feeling felt like, I couldn't just go back to my old way of life. I was just trying to find something to replace the absence of her.

In this past week I quickly came to realize nothing or no one will successfully replace her. Which makes all this a little more painful.

Because I find her in every place I look. I find her in sunsets, smiles, in Sunday's, in the sound of rain.

"Why don't you just stop fucking moving around and go see her?" Grayson asked.

"I can't," I stated with sorrow.

"Give me one good reason why you can't and I'll stop annoying you."

"I'll hurt her. She'll hurt me."

Grayson stared at me with a straight face. His face immediately scrunched in laughter. "You truly are the worst type of person." He said in between fits of laughter. "Maybe she will hurt you, or maybe you'll hurt her, whatever. The point is you can't keep living your life in a state of fear. I see how happy you are when Emma's around, and I see how miserable you are when she's not."

He took a deep breath. "I know you're scared, and I know how your mind works, but please just for this one moment think of how things could work out instead of how they could fail."

My brother had never been so open with me. Ever.

His words created a tornado inside my brain.

Every past situation in my life played before my eyes, and it became clear to me that Grayson was right.

I always hesitated and waited for the other shoe to drop.

I've never been all in or someone or something.

My eyes slowly raised to meet Grayson's.

"I think I fucked up."

[sorry it's been so long and sorry it's a filler chapter!! more coming soon i promise]