Chapter Twenty

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• Chapter Twenty •

I braked slightly as the car rolled over the familiar speed bump. The willows always seemed to slash the windows when I came to a stop at this point. There was a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't go away, no matter how much I prayed.

Sometimes when I sat alone, watching Harry from a distance, I would wonder what my dad would have thought of him. Sometimes I imagine scenarios when I bring him over to meet dad when he was here, I'd change the story so it wouldn't get old. One time, I imagined Harry coming over and accidentally interrupting my father when he was painting one of his old trains, which everyone knew not to do. It would result in a tense Sunday lunch, and after Harry leaves, my father would give me a serious chat.

Other times I'd imagine that it went quite well. As dad watched the football, Harry would offer to help my mother set the table before grabbing two beers and sitting on the couch with my dad, taking tactics. That would have been nice.

My dad never let me forget that he would always be happy if I was happy, and I am. I don't think I've ever smiled so much in my life. Deep down I know my dad would have liked Harry, I just wished he was alive to meet him.

The car rolled to a halt. I parked it where I usually did. Everything looked the same. The flowers left on the graves were all withered. The grass maintained monthly and the smell of sadness lingered in the air. But something was different, it felt different.

I always came by myself. I was most comfortable that way. When dad was around, we always had one on one chats. He'd always make me excited about university, telling me that I deserved the very best and I could do anything I set my mind to. I haven't been back in 4 months.

It was colder, although it always felt colder. I walked the same habitual path, recognizing the angel grave stone that we had made. It was hard not to feel Harry's presence. He quietly followed behind me and was respectful of those who had gone before us. 

In loving memory of Derek Springs, 6.7.1968 - 21.11.2010. A beloved husband, father and son. May you be one with the angels. 

That was it. That was supposed to simply sum up his life story. It sucked but it was what my grandmother wanted. It was hard for her to have her son go before her. She sometimes blamed herself for bringing him into the world that made him suffer but then she'd always apologize and say the world was better off because it had Caroline and I in it. 

I hadn't noticed but Harry had moved off, giving me time alone with dad. I knew I brought the right person to meet him. 

"Hey dad,

I've missed you. I'm sorry I haven't come to see you in a while, but you were with me like you always said. These past few months have been tough without mum or Caroline. I got an interview for Oxford, our dream is coming true daddy." I had to pause. It was always hardest talking to him this way. I always wish that I didn't have to tell him, that he could be here to experience it for himself. But life isn't one big wish granting factory.

I brought my voice to a low whisper, "I've brought a boy for you to meet. I know you'll like him dad. He used to work in the bakery with mum, oh and don't worry, he's looking after me just fine. Go easy on him for me, will you? I really like this one."

After another moment of silence, I rose from my previous kneeling position and shot Harry a strong smile. I told Harry I'd wait in the car for him, giving him his own time with my dad. As I looked back from the car window, I saw Harry laughing, most likely telling my dad an embarrassing story about me. I wondered what he was telling but most of all, I was grateful that he wanted to come.

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