Faking Feelings (Muke)

Ch. 4 - Call It A Date

Today has fucking sucked- and that's putting it lightly- I've spent the whole morning ignoring everyone, including teachers.

At the start of lunch, Ashton & Calum tried to get me to sit with them like always, but I went mute and just waved them away.

I avoided Luke's table and found another empty one to sit down at before pulling out 'Looking For Alaska' and reading from where I was up to.

Without being invited, somebody sits down in the spot right beside me. I glance up from my book to see Luke giving me a worried look.

"Are you okay, Michael?" He asks worriedly. I close my book at stare at him blankly. "Michael?" He chokes out.

I scrunch my nose up at him as if to say 'Why do you care?' And he sighs.

"Is that my fault?" He asks, glancing down at my arms.

I hesitate slight before shaking my head slowly, even though it was his fault.

"And I guess you're not going to tell me the real reason" he says. I shake my head again. He gives me a confused look. "Since when do you have nothing to say?" He asks. I shrug my shoulders slightly as stare down at my book.

I have plenty to say, I just don't know how to say any of it...

The two of us remain silent for a moment before Luke finally speaks up. "Let's get out of here" he says.

I look up at Luke, raising my eyebrows at him in confusion and shock.

"You heard me, let's get out if here, I don't care where we go.. But- uhh, let's call it a date" he says with a smile.

My eyes light up and I can't help but smile. No, Michael, don't look so eager, you don't care, remember?!

"Come on" he says as he pulls himself to his feet. "It's easier to escape during lunch" he adds, watching me shove my book in my bag before standing up as well.

Luke starts to walk off and I quickly follow behind, only pausing to glance back at Calum & Ashton, who were both smirking at me.

"Are you going to thank me for finally going on a date with you?" Luke asks with a chuckle once we finally get out of the school.

I look up at him and give him a big cheesy grin. Luke shakes his head with a small laugh.

"Close enough" he tells me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Stupid Diary,

He kissed me.

He kissed me. Luke Hemmings kissed me. And I liked it. I fucking liked it.

At first we just sat in silence in the sand of the playground at the park. (So romantic, I know). Eventually, Luke decided to speak. His first words were "I like your hair, by the way, it's very bright... And red".

I tried to convince myself that everything that was happening was fake, I was pretending to date Luke for a dare, I didn't have to enjoy myself... But I did... I didn't want to though... Ugh it doesn't make sense.

I was shocked though, because I didn't say a single word the whole time (nor have I actually spoken since talking to Calum & Ashton yesterday afternoon)... I just let Luke speak, and replied with facial expressions and head shakes/nods.

Luke didn't seem to mind at all that I wasn't speaking, he respected the fact that I just didn't want to be heard and continued to tell me funny stories about his past.

Luke had a pretty good past... A happy one anyway... He asked me if I would tell him about mine one day... I just shrugged my shoulders as if to say 'Maybe, I guess so', and that was a good enough response for him.

We moved from the sand to the grass and laid down side-by-side, staring up at the fluffy white clouds over us.

I just watched Luke in awe though as he smiled like a little kid and pointed out certain clouds. "Look, Mikey! That one looks like a penguin! And that one looks like a turtle!" Then he let out a gasp and pointed to one right over us. "Mikey! A love heart!" He said as I looked up to see a heart shaped cloud right above us..

I was just smiling up at the cloud when Luke leaned over the top of me. He started to lean down to kiss me slowly, too slowly actually.

I remember thinking "No don't kiss me, I'm straight, I don't like boys, don't kiss me, don't kiss me, hurry up and fucking kiss me" then our lips were locked together and I had butterflies in my stomach.

I have no fucking idea what to think now... Because I can't stop thinking about Luke's soft lips and how gently he kisses and how bloody gorgeous his eyes are, and that smile is to die for... But I seriously can't go there.

He's too far out of my limit, he deserves better, way better... I'm not worth his time...

On the bright side, I was happy with Luke today... And now... Without him... I just feel lost.

I need help.

But for now... I think I'm just going to go cry myself to sleep....

- Michael x