PARADISE//mitchel cave

chapter twenty-one

You'd think it'd get easier over time, being away from Mitchel. But the truth is that each day was harder than the last, I only missed him more and more as the weeks went by.

Mitchel seemed to be doing okay. Atleast, if he was struggling he didn't let me know. Then again, I didn't share with him the extent of how hard it's been for me.

The worst part was that I knew exactly what would help and I just couldn't get it. I talked to Sierra about it and she did everything she could to help but the only person that could truly fix anything was Mitchel.

I hadn't heard from Mitchel in a couple days, and I felt like pure shit. My anxiety was peaking as every single situation ran through my head. What if he was hooking up with someone? What if he was losing interest since we've been apart? What if he lost his phone? What if he was hurt?

I ran my fingers through my hair while beginning to panic. I shook anxiously while tears exploded from my eyes and tears rain down my face. Fuck, he's too under my skin. Sierra came in and instantly came over and put an arm around me. I turned into her chest and tried to hide my face as best as I could.

My breathing began to slow and I finally calmed down and was able to talk to Sierra. "Okay, what happened? Was it something with Mitchel?" His name made my heart ache. I would give anything to be with him right now.

"He calls me after every show and every morning when he wakes up, and he just hasn't. It's been almost three days." She attempted to comfort me.

"He probably just got busy and forgot, don't assume the worst, Kayla." She didn't understand, "he doesn't just get busy and forget. He's always busy, but he always calls me. Even if we can only talk for a couple minutes he still calls." I felt the panic inside of me but my body was unresponsive to it.

She didn't know what to say, "when he calls you, which he will, you can ask and I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason." I was sure there was a reason, I just wasn't sure it was something I wanted to know.

I stayed on my bed, staring at the wall for what seemed like hours. Sierra had to go to work, she offered to call in sick but I assured her I'd be fine. It was late, and if he was going to call after his show tonight then it would be soon.

I know I should just call him but I couldn't leave another pathetic voicemail.

I checked my phone relentlessly, becoming more distressed by the minute. Finally, his name lit up my screen and I quickly picked up, calming my breathing before answering.

"Hello?" I spoke into the receiver. "Hey, gorgeous." I almost smiled, he could make me forget everything with a few words. "I haven't heard from you in a while," I spoke timidly, almost afraid. "I'm sorry love, I just got really busy these past few days."

Bullshit. "You know you can call me at anytime right? Even if you finish at 4 in the morning I'll still answer if you call." I tried to keep my emotions from showing through my words. "I know," he sounded so off. I knew he was keeping something from me.

"So why didn't you call?" I relaxed back into my pillow, not even realizing how tense I had been. "I just got busy and tired and I forgot, okay?" He rose his voice slightly and his attitude hit me like a brick. "That's fucking bullshit and you know it," I threw back in his face.

"Kayla, just leave it okay? I'm sorry I didn't call, do you really want to argue about it?" I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see it. "It depends on what the real reason you didn't call me is." I could sense his frustration through the phone.

"What the fuck does that mean Kayla? Why do you think I didn't call you?" I bit my lip to hold back tears, I didn't want to say out loud what was weighing on my mind. "I don't know, Mitchel. Maybe you were hooking up with someone else, or you had lost interest in me."

He laughed which only pissed me off further. "Are you joking? You think I was fucking someone else?" He was angry, I could tell. I wish I hadn't said anything.

"Maybe, Mitchel. How am I supposed to know? I haven't talked to you in three days. The only reason I even know you're alive is because people have been posting pictures of you everyday on twitter." I tried to keep my voice calm, but I was so angry. I knew he was lying and he wouldn't fucking admit it.

"I can't believe you'd even think that, Kayla. What the fuck?" Tears fell down my face but I made sure not to sound like I was crying. "Don't turn this around on me. You practically ghosted me, of course I'm going to assume the worst. Why won't you just tell me why and this all goes away?" He sighed deeply through the phone.

"You wanna know why I didn't call, Kayla?" I threw my hands up, "yes Mitchel, that's all I want to know." He paused and it was silent a moment. "This guy came to one of our after show parties, and..." he took a deep breath and I tried to mentally prepare myself for what was coming next. "he was selling pills. So I bought some off of him and I didn't want to talk to you while I was on them." My heart sank. "Mitchel, why?"

My voice broke, betraying my tough front. "I don't know how to explain it. I feel so numb, Kayla." He was crying, I would sell my soul to be there with him right now. He continued, "I just wanted to feel something besides emptiness." I knew exactly how he felt, I wanted to reassure him everything was going to be okay and that i'd be there in the morning so he didn't have to do this without me.

But I didn't know what to actually say. "What'd you take Mitchel?" I knew it was not what he wanted to hear and it wasn't a good answer but I wanted all of the information before I talked him through this as best as I could. "I took a few bars, molly, and an xo." Holy shit. I was silent. My heart broke for him, my poor baby boy.

"Kayla? Are you still there?" His voice sounded desperate. "Yeah, love, I'm still here." I spoke softly. "I just want you to know I regret it okay? In the moment it helped but then everything just hurt so much worse. I was using them for the wrong reasons and it fucked with my head." I covered my mouth to keep any unwanted sounds from coming out. I finally gathered my composure but all I could say was

"Mitchel...." I fidgeted and bounced my leg, trying to put together the words to say. "I'm so sorry, Kayla, please don't be mad. I know I should've called, and I know I shouldn't have taken those. Especially without telling you." I slowed my breathing as much as I could before uttering a response.

"I'm not mad at you." His tone changed, and I bet his face lit up slightly, but I couldn't see it. "You're not?" I sighed, "no, baby, i'm not mad at you. I'm heartbroken that you didn't come talk to me before you turned to taking pills. I've been aching to see you, it's like there's a huge piece of my soul missing because you're not here. I want you to know I'm here for you, through every bit of the good and every bit of the bad. I'm in love with not only the Mitchel Cave everyone else sees, but the Mitchel Cave nobody else sees."

The line was silent and I almost thought he had left or something. "I didn't mean to hurt you, that's the last thing I wanted to do. I love you, Kayla." I smiled softly even though he couldn't see it. "I love you too. It's really late here, so I'm going to sleep as long as you promise to call me in the morning when you wake up."

He laughed a little, "I will." He hung up and I figured I'd try and go to sleep.