butterfly lips。『 minjoon 』

eight

chapter eight: the guilt kills

★

jimin was sitting on his couch, with his television on and playing a show from back in the early 2000s. he was bundled up warmly in his soft lavender blanket, his eyes a bit red and cheeks tear stained and hollow. for the past six days since he last talked to namjoon, the pains have been getting worse. his job was getting impossible to keep up with. living was impossible to do. jimin wondered if he should just quit and live the rest of his days out miserable and lonely. another choked sob escaped his lips as he thought of that, not wanting his life to end that way. 

how could everything go so horribly wrong? 

jimin ran his fingers through his brown hair before bursting into more tears. he thought back to the surgery, that would cut his soul from namjoon and will render namjoon unable to love. it would make taehyung so unhappy, jimin knew that. if taehyung found out, would he ever forgive jimin? or would he understand? 

'what would namjoon do? would he find out? would namjoon hate me? would he regret ever loving me- fuck.' jimin covered his face, shaking his head. "no! no no no!" he yelled at himself, pulling at his hair. it's manipulative, it's horrible. jimin knew it deep down in his heart that ached so much. 

and he much rather die. 

jimin paused, uncovering his face, looking down at his palms. "i'm going to die..." he whispered. he froze, hearing keys jingle from the other side of the door that opened quickly. hoseok was staring at jimin, with worried eyes. heart shaped lips forming a frown, something that jimin never wanted to see on those lips that are always smiling. 

"jimin! i heard you-" 

"i'm fine. please... don't look at me like that." jimin whispered softly at the end. his eyes were full of tears but none rolled down his cheeks. jimin was sick of crying yet crying was all he could do. he blinked several times, rubbing his eyes. he felt the couch shift a bit as hoseok sat down beside jimin, wrapping his arms around the petite man. he pressed his head against his sternum, closing his eyes. 

"have you considered the surgery?" 

"yes. i thought over it and i won't be able to go with it. it's... it's something i won't be able to carry." 

"it's going to kill you if you don't do anything!" hoseok hissed out, voice rising in pitch then breaking at the end, it reminded jimin of thin and fragile wire. it hit jimin hard, as hoseok's arms held jimin tighter, he could feel the unsteady rise and fall of hoseok's chest. he was going to leave a dear friend of his. a brother to him. 

"i know. i'm sorry. i just can't do that. i can't be this selfish, i wish i could but the guilt is going to kill me just as quickly." jimin whispered, reaching to hold hoseok's hand. he turned to press his face against his chest. he felt tears roll down his cheeks. 

"then tell them. tell namjoon before it's too late." 

"how can i just swoop in and break up two perfectly people together!?"

"your life is on the line!" hoseok raised his voice, the desperation in it weighed heavily on jimin's shoulders.

"it's ridiculous thing! it's just another man... he's just another man. i shouldn't die for this and i shouldn't break my friends heart for this." 

"you're going to break taehyung's heart if you die!"  

jimin pried himself away from hoseok's arms, face red and tear stained once more. "but namjoon couldn't love me the way he loves taehyung. i know he can't feel the way i feel. i can tell in the way he looks at me. he doesn't know." 

"jimin..." 

"he can never know hoseok..." jimin sat up suddenly, the blanket falling off his body. "i'm quitting my job. i-i'm going to move away. if i'm away from them... the hanahaki is going to be less unbearable. i still have time. i'll have two years left. i think." he said frantically, hands in his hair. 

"you're going to run away from your problems-" 

"i don't want to fucking die!" jimin hissed, clutching his shirt before crumbling down to his knees in pain. he cried out. "please... i can't spend the last of my days wasting away. i'll find a way to fix it, i just need space." 

hoseok knelt down beside him, placing his hands on his shoulders. he pressed his forehead against jimin's. "okay... just call me." 

"thank you." 

they pulled away. hoseok helped jimin up, a weary smile playing on his lips. he looked rather worn out from the conversation. jimin heard a small ping from his phone, without thinking, he picked it up. he checked who it was from. 

taehyung: hey, jimin. can you come over for dinner, just the two of us? 

jimin: perfect, i need to tell you something. 

note; this part is almost finished kekeke