Hallowed (B. Barnes)

Chapter Nine

Now he can. Now he knows what it's like. Bucky can barely stop himself from kissing Sydney. His flesh fingers cupping her jaw as his lips move with hers, Sydney's fingers clutch to the sleeve covering his metal arm. She doesn't seem to notice or care that it is unnatural under her hand. And as long as she doesn't notice it, he won't tell her. Despite their 6 month friendship he still can't bring himself to admit that he has a metal arm. Or that he's a former assassin for an evil Nazi organization. They are not really there in their relationship. If they ever will be. He tries to keep the PDA to a minimum, he really, really tries, but she can just be standing there smiling at him, and all he wants to do is kiss her, so he does. He literally has no self-restraint when it comes to Sydney. It's how most nights they find themselves on her couch, lips locked, movie forgotten, food forgotten. It's only been two weeks since their date, only two weeks and he feels like he's been with her forever. He wishes he'd met her in the '40s, wishes she'd been alive then, the life they could have had before the war. A real normal human life. His mood instantly sours thinking on his lost life, on what could have been...on what they did to him.

"What's wrong?" Sydney whispers sensing the shift in his mood, he shakes his head leaning away from her, settling back on his side of the couch. She watches him as she pushes herself up. "James?" he takes a breath and glances at her.

"Sorry" he apologizes sadly, she cocks her head in question.

"What are you sorry for?" she asks him softly, he reaches over and takes her hand before he pulls it to his lips. He closes his eyes and then pulls her hand back before opening them again.

"I was just thinking...."

"You are sorry for thinking?" she asks him, a small smirk working onto her lips, he shakes his head.

"No" he assures her. "Just....it's nothing" he gives her a smile but it doesn't reach his eyes, his head is always in a bad place when he gets like this, and he's been lucky it's never happened around Sydney before. She shifts, her eyes on him as she moves across the couch to lean into his side, he lets out a soft breath and wraps his arm around her shoulders, she nuzzles into his neck and then pulls back.

"You can talk to me" she assures him. "I would never tell a soul what you tell me" his eyes searching hers, he gives her a more meaningful smile this time and leans closer to kiss her softly.

"I know" he whispers. "But it's not something I am ready to talk about" he admits stroking her arm. "Not even with you, and for that...I am sorry"

"Why?" she asks him. "You don't have to tell me every single part of your life for me to like you, James, I already like you..." he snorts a little and nods. "I told you" she starts softly. "This person I see, right here, right now...he's all that matters" he leans closer and presses his forehead to hers.

"You're....unbelievable" he whispers fondly. "I don't deserve you" she pinches his ribs. "Ow!" he complains as he pulls back to rub his ribs. "What was that for?"

"Every time you're mean to yourself, I'm going to hurt you" she warns him, Bucky snorts a little, she raises an eyebrow and reaches for his ribs again, Bucky slinks off the couch out of reach.

"Hey" he scolds with a laugh, and then realizes that he's laughing, that his self-deprecating mood instantly vanished. He softens staring down at Sydney who leans up onto her knees to smile at him. "Thanks" he whispers, his hands coming up to clutch to her face. "You know just how to make me feel better" he admits softly, she shrugs a little.

"If all it takes is a pinch" she teases, he smiles and leans down to kiss her, her hands wrapping around his forearms as she pushes herself closer to him.

................

Bucky sits on his bed, his metal fingers resting on his knee. He's been thinking about the day before, the way Sydney was with him, how accepting she seems to be. And she is the closest thing he has to a friend, more than a friend really. But he feels like he needs to give her more. To show that he trusts her as much as he does. Because he does. She is the only person he trusts. So he can do one thing. Show her one thing. Admit this one thing. He glances down at his metal hand and sighs. Better now than further down the road. He looks to his cell phone in his other hand, Sydney's number already ready on the screen. He presses dial as he stands, slipping the phone against his ear as he waits.

"Hey" Sydney greets and he can hear her moving around her apartment.

"Hey" he greets back, his voice warm, he can't help it when talking to her. "Do you want to come to mine for lunch?" Bucky asks moving to look out his window, eyes scanning over the people that pass by, despite the heavy rain they still come and go. "There is something I want to show you" he whispers sadly.

"Okay" Sydney answers him. "You don't sound entirely sure about that.....Are you...Are you sure?" she asks him sensing his hesitation.

"No" he admits. "But...I have to" he takes a breath. "I'll see you in a bit" he then hangs up, he doesn't want to prolong that conversation right now, he needs the time to work on his mind frame, he needs to work out how he is going to show his arm, to tell her about it without telling her everything.