Hallowed (B. Barnes)

Chapter Ten

Bucky takes a breath when Sydney knocks on his door. He stands from the couch, if that's what he can call it given that it seems to be falling apart from all angles. Each step he takes to the door feels like he's wearing lead boots. His hand on the door, he takes another breath before opening it. Sydney, of course, stands on the other side. And he swears she looks prettier today, possibly because he believes it could be the last time he sees her. Something inside of him pleading for him not to tell her about his arm. She smiles at him and he can't help but smile back.

"So I brought lunch," She tells him as she walks past him and into the apartment, she's trying to hide her own nerves, there have been so Bucky closes the door and takes a deep breath. Dreading what is coming. He knows there is a higher chance of her throwing away their friendship when he tells her. He doesn't want to lose her. "I know you've told me you can't cook so I just....thought this was safer" she teases a little, he tries to smile back when she looks at him, but she can see it doesn't quite reach his eyes. She can feel his fear vibrating off of him from where she stands. He watches as she serves the takeaway food onto plates for them both. He fidgets. Unable to sit still. She sets the empty trays aside when finished. Bucky takes a deep breath and nods to himself. It's now or never.

"I have a metal arm" He admits. Sydney hums a little and grabs the plates of food.

"I wasn't sure how spicy you like your food, we haven't really ventured into that yet, so I went light and I figured we could change it next time" Bucky frowns at her.

"Syd" he states, she hums again. "Did you hear what I said?" he asks her, she cocks her head and sighs.

"Yes, I heard" she assures him. "Is that all you wanted to tell me?" he stares up at her, she holds out a plate of food and he numbly takes it from her.

"Why aren't you freaking out?" he asks, she lets out a small laugh and looks at him.

"James" she starts softly. "People have prosthetics" she assures him. "It's nothing to be ashamed of" she sits beside him, his eyes following her every move. "I am proud of you for telling me though" he smiles sadly. "I know it was a big deal for you" she pulls her leg under herself and glances at his face. "Truth be told" she starts. "I already knew" he frowns. "I've touched your arm, a lot, you didn't think I'd feel the difference?"

"Then...why didn't you say anything?"

"I figured you would tell me when you were ready" she answers warmly. "It wasn't for me to point out" he smiles softly at her.

"And you still wanted to be around me?" he asks, she nods. He sets the plate on the coffee table and turns to her as she pokes at her own food. "Syd" he breaths, she glances at him. He brushes his lips over hers, flesh fingers threading through her hair to hold her close to him. She kisses him back, his metal arm takes the plate from her lap and sets it aside allowing her to wrap her fingers around his arms. He pulls back a little and then kisses her quickly again before offering her a sad smile.

"Can I see it?" she asks, he clenches his metal fist on his knee. His eyes drift to the movement before he nods. She takes his metal hand and turns it palm up, her fingers pulling at the fingers of his gloves. He holds his breath, his eyes watching as she bares the metal to her eyes. He hates his arm. He hates how he got it. Why he got. He hates to look at it. To feel it hanging off the side of his body like dead weight. Heavy on his soul. She takes the metal hand and rests his palm against her cheek. He takes a breath. Nervous. He's been very careful not to touch her with this hand, not to taint her with it. "You were really worried about telling me?" he nods.

"I like you" he admits. "And I was scared" he looks down. "I thought you would...you would find out and..." she strokes his cheek.

"You thought that I would leave? You thought that I would do that to you?" she asks him softly.

"I don't know" he answers. "I just...." she shifts closer to him.

"James" she whispers, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before he opens them again.

"You are my only friend here, Syd, and I care a great deal about you, I just didn't want you to..."

"Abandon you" she finishes, he nods and then nudges her nose with his.

"I should have told you"

"No, James, you didn't have to tell me anything" She assures him. "You don't owe me anything, I told you..." she smiles at him. "Who you are now, just this man here...." he searches her eyes. "That's all I need from you" he gives her a small smile. "I just need you" she whispers, he leans closer and kisses her softly.

"There are things that I should tell you" he whispers against her lips before pulling back. "Things about my past, about who I was, you should know..."

"Will it hurt us?" she asks him.

"Yes" he is sure of that, he knows that once he tells her everything, that is it. No more hiding. Everything he has done. Everything he is. Will be out in the open.

"Then I don't need to know" she argues with a shrug.

"Perhaps it is not something we should be hiding from, Syd" he whispers. "Maybe we both need to hear it, out loud" She takes a breath and turns to him.

"Is this something you need to say out loud?" she asks him. "Do you think it will make you feel better to....let it out?" Bucky thinks about that a moment. Maybe his issue isn't her finding out, maybe it is the fact that he'd have to voice it all. If he doesn't say it, he can forget it. But once she knows, he can't take it back. But she would know. This woman he trusts. His friend. Someone he is pretty sure he loves. Maybe part of him does want to tell her.