Hallowed (B. Barnes)

Chapter Eleven

Bucky decides that whilst he does want to tell Sydney everything, he won't. For now. He needs to be in a better head space to do so, he needs to spend a little more time recovering first. She understands. She's actually a real trooper. Bucky doesn't deserve her or her affections. He's been writing what he can remember around it all when he does tell her. He glances to Sydney now, she sits on his balcony, legs swinging off the edge as she watches the sun set beyond the city. After he had admitted about his arm, after they enjoyed lunch, she'd stayed with him. Day in, day out, she is here or he is at hers. It hasn't changed what they are. He has become a little less self-conscious about his arm but that's all that's changed. She'd also told him about the scar on her leg. How she was attacked in London. Barely escaped with her life. He doesn't blame her for leaving that country after that. She stands and heads back into the room as Bucky opens two beers and drops onto the couch, she hums as she sits beside him, curling into his side, he smiles and hands her one of the bottle and she takes it from him.

"I have to go away this weekend" she admits, he pauses, his beer halfway to his lips. "I have some work to do in Niš" she admits, he lifts his eyes and glances at her.

"I could...go with you" she laughs a little and glances at him.

"No" she answers. "It's not interesting" she assures him. "I just turn up, deal with the pest, come home"

"That doesn't mean I can't come with you" he argues. "I could look around the city" she stares at him.

"I'm sorry, but no" he gives her a look. "I need to be able to concentrate" she admits. "And you're a huge beefy distraction" he smiles a little and looks down as he starts to blush.

"Okay" he whispers and nods. "Okay" he repeats as he looks at her. "I get it" he takes her hand and gives her a smile. She touches his chest and rests her head against his shoulder.

"It's not because I don't want you to come with me" she assures him. "And if it was for anything other than work"

"I know" he wraps an arm around her and kisses her head. "It really is okay, I'll be fine"

"You're not worried about it being Halloween on Saturday?" she asks him, he scoffs and shakes his head and then nods.

"It's strange" he admits. "And...I'm not looking forward to it" she sets her beer down and leans up onto her knees at his side.

"Just stay in and don't answer the door if it bothers you, or stay at mine" she offers. "No one bothers me.....it'll be quiet"

"And you do have the better tv" he agrees with her, she hums and leans closer, Bucky smirks as she kisses him.

"And I'll be back before you know it" she assures him, her fingers running through his hair. "They never take very long"

"Maybe when you come back" Bucky starts playing with the bottom of her shirt. "Maybe we can..." he struggles. He's been trying to ask her this for a few days now, but he seems to have some trouble with it. Now she knows about his arm, he wants them to be physical, it's reasonable for him to want to go there, but he's not sure what she wants, whether she wants to take their relationship there. She cocks her head waiting for him to finish his statement, but he's not sure how to ask it, should he just come out with it, should he be more tactful. He takes a deep breath. "You know how we haven't..." he starts and then stops again.

"Are you asking about sex?" she asks him softly, he nods and looks down. "Do you want to try?" he takes a breath and looks up at her.

"I want you to know that I am attracted to you" she smiles and nods.

"Yes, I know that" she assures him.

"Well...then yes, I would like for us to....progress" she touches his cheek and he smiles sadly at her. "I just..." he looks down. She touches his chest where his scars are, where the join of his arm is. She knows why they haven't. She assumed it had to do with his arm. And well, seems she was right about him being nervous and self-conscious about it. "You're beautiful" he whispers. "And I...."

"Devilishly handsome?" she asks, he shakes his head. "I think you are" she admits. "I think you are the most beautiful man I've ever seen" she whispers, Bucky starts to blush. He's still awkward over compliments, even from Sydney. Even now. He still finds it hard to believe that he can be attractive, with his scars, with his history, with who he is.

"Syd" he whispers, intending to argue with her. She takes his flesh hand and presses it to her tattooed thigh, her scar under fingers.

"Do you think my scars make me any less attractive?" she asks him as he draws his fingers over her scar, he shakes his head. "Then why should yours...." he leans closer and kisses her, wrapping his arms around her back to hold her closer to him.

"I don't deserve you" he whispers against her lips. "But I am grateful for you"

"My mother used to tell me something" she starts as she pulls back. "Something I have tried to follow, something I think you need to hear"

"Oh?" he asks her.

"The first rule of truly living is to do the things you're most afraid of." she answers, they share a look. He nods. Understands. And he has been afraid. But doing the things he has been afraid of doing, could make his life better. Happier.