Finding my Happiness

Is this Just Temporary?

My alarm rings and I sigh heavily, throwing my pillow over my head. I don't wanna wake up. I keep my eyes closed tightly, I didn't get ANY sleep!!! I really hope last night was real so there's at least a good reason for being as exhausted as I am. I slowly open my eyes and of course I'm greeted by Michael. I sit there and stare at him while he stares back at me, his eyes feeling so real, I sit up and reach out to it but stop just before touching him, I don't understand why but I do. I first shake my head and then myself, stretch, and get about doing my normal routine before work. While in the shower, I think about what's gonna happen if I go downstairs and they're truly still here. I really haven't given it much thought, I mean, how could I? When did I have the time? Everything in me wanted to check when I first woke but I really do need to get ready, I don't like being late....but I also know, it's because I don't wanna face the disappointment if they're not. I get out and begin the rest, I'm all ready after 15 minutes, I grab my phone and Nike hoodie, the sun is finally out but I know that'll have no effect on temp, I head out, shutting my door behind me. I head towards the stairs but see my grandmas door open and a wave of sadness hits me, I go to shut the door but find myself walking in. I'm instantly hit with the smell of her perfume, lavender and chamomile with just a hint of jasmine, her favorite...I can't believe it still smells of her. I run my fingers over her drapes which stayed closed and then her bedding. I sit and silently cry for a while and send up a small prayer. After I get myself together, I head out, shutting her door and placing a kiss on it's cool wood. When I get to the top of the stairs, I hear pots and pans banging and voices, either I'm being robbed or LAST NIGHT REALLY HAPPENED. I quickly run down stairs but I don't wanna be seen right away, I hear hushed voices but there's force behind it, "Be quiet you guys! You're going to wake her up!" I smile, that's little Michael. They're still here!!! I can barely contain my excitement and I realize that despite the craziness of it, this would be so awesome. I calm down a bit, I don't wanna get too excited, this could all still go away. They are ghosts after all, no matter how you look at it and I've never been around one so I don't know how any of this works or how long it'll last but I tell me self to enjoy it until then. I hurriedly rush down the hallway and straight to the living room, and YES!! I see blankets and pillows scattered all over the floor and then I make my way back towards the kitchen, it smells amazing, like bacon and...french toast? I can't quite tell. Getting closer and closer, I peek around the corner and see the Michael's digging through cabinets and the fridge, almost like their trying to make the most noise possible. I was about to shout boo, when Little MJ turns and sees me, he smiles enthusiastically and I return it. "See, I told you guys you would wake her up!" He says and everyone stops what they're doing and looks my direction. '91 giving me that special look. My cheeks flush and I look down embarrassed. "Sooooo, you guys still here?" I say knowing how dumb that sounds, obviously, I just suddenly feel very nervous and I can't really speak. "Yeah, it seems that way." 87 chuckles, rubbing his arm shyly. "So, what's up with all the noise?" I ask, looking at 97 and 82, who are standing by the stove, both holding a spatula, with bacon sizzling in a skillet . They both give me a nervous smile and they play guilty. "We're sorry, we just got hungry that's all. We didn't mean to wake you but we did make extra for you as well. We didn't wanna take advantage of your kindness, I hope this is ok." 97 says, pointing towards the stove. I smile warmly, "It's fine, I was already up anyway and sadly, I have to decline your offer for breakfast, I have to head to work soon." I say, walking to a cabinet and grabbing my usual, most likely the only thing I'll eat today. Brown sugar poptart and water. "Are you sure you can't stay for just a little while, at least let us repay you for your hospitality." 09 says while the rest nod in agreement and then quickly adding a good morning. "Good Morning." I say, with half a pop tart in my mouth and I realize how tempting his offer was, I haven't eaten a real meal since grandma but I know I can't. "I really would love to, honest but I do gotta be to work in a few." They sigh in defeat and 87 changes the topic of discussion. "So....we're still here....what happens now?" 87 asks nonchalantly but I know it's an act, he's leaning against the marble island. I look at his jaw and the swelling went down a whole lot but a slight bruise remains.  "Well...I guess y'all can stay here temporarily." I say but wondering if I should let them stay here at all. For ghosts, they eat...A LOT, that's a hefty amount of money when only one is bringing in paper. I don't wanna throw them out the house either tho, especially after what they went through, where would they go anyway? "You say temporarily like you don't want us here." 95 says, disappointment evident in his voice. "No, it's not that at all, it's just, this is all too weird for me still, ya know? It's going to take some time to get used to this. " I say and my phone buzzes in my hand, it's Cass asking if I'm coming in.... Shit, I'm going to be late. "Ok, well if we are staying here, for how ever long, what are we gonna do about this name situation. I mean, eventually we'll have to figure something out, you can't just call all us Michael now can you?" 79 asks while digging through the fridge. He was right....I can't just call them all Michael. They won't know who the fuck I'm talking to. Hell, I'm not even convinced I'm not just talking to myself, let alone 9 of the same person. "And you're absolutely right but I'm running pretty late for work. We'll discuss this later." I say grabbing my keys. "How long will you be gone for?" Little MJ asks. "I'll be back around 6." I say, walking out of the kitchen and they all follow me out, like baby ducks. "Wait Jazz! What are we supposed to do?" 01 asks, while I put on my hoodie and backpack. "Um, I don't know, eat, sleep, watch tv? Whatever you guys wanna do. I've never dealt with ghosts so I don't know. Have a good day tho." I turn and head towards the door, I didn't want to sound rude but it was true. I don't know how to deal with this and it's gonna be a process. "What do you mean ghosts?? We're here, aren't we, in the flesh. Warm skin, heart beating?" 91 says, looking hurt, is the first thing he said to me all morning. "What kind of sense does it make for 9 different yous to be alive or even real? I know what I see and I know what I want to believe but this whole situation is pretty impossible and you can't expect me to just hop on board fully without asking questions." I shoot back in a rush, not even catching my breath, I try opening the door but he shuts it right back and lifts my chin? "But I AM here tho, fully. Everyone of us is here...what's so wrong with that?" 91 says, as he motions towards everyone and I feel my eyes water. "Well maybe it's because your the wrong person I want to be here right now! Its not supposed to have been you!! This is crazy and...and wrong!" I snatch myself out of his grip, as hurt rips through my body and there it is, here's where my pain comes from. I wouldn't mind them being here but this is not who I wanted. Not who I need. That's why I can't or won't except this, you can send me 80 different people who are complete strangers but not my dad, not my grandma. It's bullshit. Tears begin to flow out of my eyes. "I have to go, excuse me." I push 91 out the way and storm out the house not looking back but I can hear the other Michael's scold him for making me upset. I just head straight to my car, welcoming the coming distraction.

I make it but I'm hella late, the snow starting up again half way to work and the first thing I see is Cassandra behind the counter, smacking her gum and giving me that 'where you been' look. I roll my eyes and casually walk to the back to put my hoodie in the lockers. "So, you don't call nobody back to tell them you good?" Cass says smacking that damn gum even louder as I come around the counter. "Sorry....a lot of stuff happened last night." I say vaguely, I decided not to tell her on my way over, I don't need anyone thinking I'm crazy. "Like what? Girl, you had me scared to death!" I place my bag under the counter, I like it near me and I sigh. I need to think of something quick to get her off my back. "I just had a really bad nightmare that's all... I thought it was real." It doesn't sound too convincing but it'll have to do and Cass seems to buy it, she comes over and wraps me in a warm embrace. "I'm so sorry girl. I wish I could help you. I can't imagine what you're going through." She says as I hug her back tighter. "I'm fine, really." I say, letting go, I give her a quick smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and grab a box of chips then start restocking the front of the store. "Girl, you haven't taken a day off since the funeral. Your mind needs a break." She follows right behind, continuing her concerning rant about my mental health, and what I need, and what she 'thinks' will help as I put new bags of chips on the shelves. "Cass, I'm fine ok? I know what's best for ME." I say frustration oozing out from my tone. "Do you? Do you honestly know what's best for you? You're not yourself anymore. You think you're this super strong person who doesn't need to cry and let it out, who can be ok without taking some time for themselves. You throw yourself in to work and all you're doing is killing yourself even more." "Well, maybe it's because I want to, did you ever think of that? I have just officially lost everyone who I ever loved and no, I don't want to be at home where I'm constantly surrounded by that fucking shit, no thank you. I say snapping back at her. "But you have people who are here for you Jazz. You don't have to push us away too." She says smacking on that damn piece of gum. I throw down the box of chips and turn to her, rage all over my face. I'm so sick and tired of people saying they're here for me when they really aren't, they can't be, not like I need! Cassandra means well but she can't understand how I'm feeling. And that damn smacking is getting on my last fucking nerve. "Look Cass, I. AM. FINE! Just let me grieve in my own way please! If I want to come to work every fucking day, then let me! Don't tell me how the fuck I'M supposed to grieve, I can do that all on my own. It's my choice, all of it!!! How, when, and where! And for fucks sake, stop smacking that fucking gum before I slap it out your mouth!" I say brushing past her towards the break room, locking myself inside. I begin to cry and I feel the pain bulid up inside of me. I keep pushing it down until it bubbles up and flows over. I keep trying to pretend I'm ok but it always hits me at random times and I just cant keep doing this. Cassandra bangs on the door and hear what she says though it's slightly muffled. "Jazz, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you. Please come out."  She says, begging from the other side of the door. I sit in there for 5 more mins then take a deep breath and compose myself before walking out. I open the door and there she is, giving me a worried face. She grabs me for another hug but I stay stiff, looking past everything. I'm done with this life. People say that you'll make it through the storm but mine seems to keep getting bigger and stronger and I'm not sure how to make it go away.

After work, I stop at my dads memorial, trying to find answers, anything that will relieve me of this darkness. "Daddy, everyone is gone, I have nothing left, nothing left to give....I need your help, your guidance...I think I'm ready to come home." Snow is falling heavy onto my shoulders, the wind biting at my cheeks. I look at the snow covered cross in search for any answers but nothing...of course. I get up, disappointed at the silence that seems to speak volumes. This life has nothing for me. I just want to see my family again. Starting the car back up, I drive back home and contemplate how I'm going to get my one way ticket to heaven. I don't even remember making it home, I don't remember greeting the Michael's or them greeting me. I don't even care, it's not as exciting as I thought it was..as I hoped it would be. Next thing I know, I standing on my chair, rope tied around my fan, I don't even remember grabbing any from the store. It looks so high from here. I'm just so tired of feeling so alone and as much as I wanna give myself the opportunity to let people in, I can't. My feet tiptoe towards the edge of the chair, I close my eyes, take a deep breath and kick the chair back. I feel the rope tighten around my neck, I feel the life leaving my body until there's nothing but darkness...