We Will Shine {Book 6 in the Star of Gryffindor Series}

Chapter 42 - Bad Habits

~Astra~

Little Star,

I don't think there's a way to say any of this that will paint me in a good light, so I will simply tell you the truth.

Yes. I did. I regretted it before it had even been done, but it didn't seem like I had another choice at the time. Voldemort had threatened to kill me if I wasn't loyal to him, and I knew my mother would kill me if he forgot. If I ran, I thought they would find me. So, when I was told to go take care of a couple they thought was in the Order of the Phoenix, I went. I didn't want to, but I suppose what you want doesn't matter a lot when it doesn't line up with what you do.

They didn't feel any pain. I wasn't crueler than necessary. But I wasn't expecting a child to come down the stairs, calling for her parents. I was supposed to kill anyone in the house, but she looked like she was twelve or thirteen. And crying. And so scared. Of course. Her parents were dead, and I was standing over their bodies, holding a wand and looking at her.

I think I told her to run. I can't remember. But she didn't run, just pulled out her wand like she was going to fight me. I ran before she could. And I decided then what I should have decided long before, that none of that was worth it and I would rather run and die than be part of Voldemort's cause.

I found out much later that the Havernas weren't even in the Order, anyway.

The face of Elaine Haverna still haunts my waking nightmares.

I'm sorry I never told you this. I'm sorry you heard it from someone else, though I suppose your professor is the best person it could've been. Harry Potter told me it wouldn't be wise to bring that up, not yet, not until you were older. He thought it would be too complicated for you to process with everything else going on. Of course, I am not saying it's his fault. I agreed with him.

I'm very sorry, my dear. I know this is a lot to think about. And I know telling you that I am not the same man I was 25 years ago is not enough in light of what I did, but it is true.

Love, Orion.

~~~~

"I can't do this."

"You can," Ciara insisted, sighing. "You just have to believe you can."

"That's the worst advice anyone could ever give, Ciara."

"Well, in this case it's true. You won't be able to resist the Imperius Curse until you think you can do it."

I rolled my eyes and leaned back. Maybe that made sense, but I was still frustrated. I was making no progress, two full weeks in. Or maybe I was. It wasn't like we could test it. Not that I'd actually suggested it, but Ciara was staunchly refusing to cast the Imperius Curse on me to see if I could resist it, or even to let Colette do it. Which made sense, I guess. I didn't want anyone doing anything illegal. I just wasn't very confident that I could actually do it.

Ciara sighed again. "I know it sounds ridiculous, all right? I get it. But it does work. I promise."

"It worked for you."

"Yeah? And we're cousins. You can do anything I can, can't you?"

"More than that," I muttered. I was trying to annoy her, but I wasn't sure why. I really didn't want her to give up on me and leave, but I was trying to make her do that. I think I just didn't want to think about any of this.

Ciara just laughed at me. "I can do nonverbal magic too, now, actually. And last I checked, I've beat you to the Snitch a couple of times. I think we're getting even."