tick tock

two

I step into the cafeteria, my hand clasped tightly around billie's. soft whispers of motherfucker and fuckin' cunt left my lips unwillingly as she pulls me to the center of the cafeteria.

"stay here," she says softly, squeezing my hand before releasing it. "I'm gonna get our trays."

I nod once, fiddling with my nails as she disappears from my line of sight. I look around the busy cafeteria, knawing on my bottom lip as I anxiously wait for billie to come back. the longer she takes, the more my neck jerks to the side. i place both hands on my forehead and close my eyes, an annoyed grunt leaving my lips as i feel the eyes of judgemental passersby burn into my skin.

my pale blue hoodie contrasts against my tan skin as I run the sleeves along my face. my knee bounces beneath the table and I cross my arms on the table, resting my forehead against my arms.

i hate sitting alone. i hate being alone in general. this is why i eat in the bathroom. this is why i want to be home schooled.

"fuckin'cunt," my hands ball into fists as my hands begin to shake. I feel a hand on my back and billie is lifting my head from my arms, brushing my hair out of my face.

"take a deep breath, viv," she says softly, and I shakily do as told. she inhales deeply for three counts, holds it for six counts, and releases it for ten counts. I do the breathing excercise with her, my deep brown eyes staring into her crystal ones. she tucks a strand of curly hair behind my ear and smiles slightly, nudging one of the trays of food toward me.

I stare at the square piece of pizza, corn on the cob, a fruit cup, and a piece of coconut creme cake before sighing deeply, taking my fork and poking at the cob of corn.

"I know its hard," billie tells me, placing her hand on my shoulder. I look up at her, my neck jerking to the side slightly. "but you can get through it."

"how?" I say quietly, looking back at the tray in front of me. "it's been seventeen years, and i still cant get it under control."

billie shakes her head and smiles sadly at me, her thumb rubbing soothing circles into my shoulder. "i didnt see a doctor about my ticks until I was fourteen, and I'm seventeen," she says quietly, her tongue darting out to lick her lips. "you dont need to worry about having it under control; I dont even have mine under control."

I raise my eyebrows and fiddle with my short nails, looking back at the full tray of food. "you dont seem like you have tourettes."

"trust me, viv, I do," she let's out a sad laugh, shoving her hand through her thin silver hair. "I had to teach myself that they dont define me."

I shrug slightly, picking up the square piece of cafeteria pizza and taking a bite out of it, my neck jerking just slightly. I swallow the bite before looking at billies tray.

"whyd you only get a side salad?" I ask softly, motioning to the tiny bowl on the tray in front of her.

"I cant stand that shit," she says softly, stuffing a slice of cucumber into her mouth. as she does so, she gets a smear of whatever kind of dressing she used, on her cheek and at the corner of her lips.

I raise my hand slightly and run my thumb over her cheek and lip slightly, gathering the stray dressing and wiping it on a napkin.

she whispered a soft and embarrassed, "thank you," before I turned to finish my food.

"so, ive never seen you around here." billie tells me softly, turning her body toward mine when she was done with her salad. "are you new?"

I shrug slightly and nod, pushing my tray away slightly. "i started yesterday - my grandmother wanted me to start the day before picture day, just so I can be in the yearbook for my senior year."

billie let's out a loud laugh, her hands moving to cover her mouth. "that's the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard."

I look at my hands, my fingers fumbling over the black material of the black jeggings covering my thin legs. my head jerks just slightly as I close my eyes, my heartrate increasing slightly. "she really wants me to graduate with people - that's why she moved me half way across the country and- fuckin' cunt - forced me to come here."

billie nods at my words, taking a deep breath as her lip curls up slightly, placing her fingers on her forehead as her own neck jerks only slightly. she recovers quickly and brushed her hair back with her finger, looking at me. "where did you move from?"

"kansas," I reply shortly, my eyes connecting with her crystal ones. "dodge city, precisely."

"I've heard some shit about dodge city." she says, her lips curving into a playful smirk.

"try living it," I let out a soft laugh and her smirk turns into a full grin.

"I think that's the first time you've laughed since i met you, like, two hours ago." she hums, resting her chin in the palm of her hand. "a smile looks good on you."

my cheeks flush and I look away from the girl, my neck jerking sporadically. I hide my face in my hands, my skin muffling the slightly loud curse words leaving my lips.

her hand latches onto mine and out of the corner of my eye, i can see her smile fall into a frown. "come on," she says softly, standing up slowly. she pulls me to my feet and wraps her arms around my waist. "let's ditch the rest of our classes and you can stay at mine tonight."

I nod once, not even thinking about her words. I just wanna get out of here.