tick tock

eight

two hours and no breaks later, my voice is fried and billie can hardly keep her eyes open as she sits in the back pews of the chapel. 

this is how my saturdays went, step by step, every single week.

-wake up

-get dressed

-choir practice

-chick-fil-a for brunch

-volunteer at a food bank

-sit in the living room and listen to my father tell my grandmother about all the homeless people in the city, talking shit on them when he doesn't think i'm listening.

i press my lips into a thin line as i make my way toward billie, placing my hand on her shoulder. 

"billie," my hoarse voice cuts through the air, and i run my thumb over her collarbone slowly. "we have to go."

billie rubs her eyes and narrows them as she looks around the large chapel. "this is the last place i expected to wake up in."

i let out a soft laugh, grabbing her hand gently. "let's go somewhere to eat - preferably not chick-fil-a; you can only eat so many of their nugget things before your head explodes."

"that shit's gross anyway," she says, her eyes rolling as she stands up. she pulls her silky black pants up before running her hand through her hair. "i know the perfect place."

she squeezes my hand tightly before beginning to walk toward the french double doors. as billie places her free hand on the handle of one of the doors, my father's booming voice startles me. 

"viviana," he says louldly. the entire room filled with people looks at him, and then over to me. i squeeze billie's hand tightly, my neck jerking slightly as my anxiety begins to rise. "where do you think you're going?"

"i'm going with billie," i say, my throat tightening as the words spill out of my mouth. "we're going for lunch."

"you're not going to join the church, like very saturday?" he asks, his eyebrows raising as he pushes his glasses further up the bridge of his nose.

i shake my head slightly and look down at my shoes, soft curse words falling from my lips as my neck jerks harshly to the side. 

"she's been feeling off today," billie says softly, her thumb running over my knuckles soothingly.

"and who are you to speak for my daughter?" he asks condescendingly, stepping toward us slowly. 

billie stays quiet and i turn to face away from my father as i speak. "she's a friend, daddy, and she's j-just looking for m-me."

"i'm your father - i don't need someone to speak for you," he says angrily, and i can feel his presence standing directly behind me. "especially someone who doesn't even go to this church."

"i'm going to," billie says, attempting to take a step toward my father. i shake my head slightly and give her a look, grabbing onto her arm gently. "starting tomorrow, i'm going to come to each and every service."

"i'll bet you're not even a believer," he spits, his eyes trailing billie's figure as he takes in her appearance. his words make me turn around and i glare at him, my neck jerking.

"motherfucker- you have no right to say that to her," i tell him, my own anger getting the best of me. "she deserves to be here as much as we do."

"watch your mouth, young lady," he says, his index finger pointing at me in a stern manner. his finger moves to point at billie, "and you - i can't keep you from stepping foot in this church, but i can keep you from being friends with my daughter; you'd better watch yourself."

"that's an empty threat - fuckin' cunt - and you know it," i say angrily, and the crowd of people still in the chapel gasp in horror as my ticks begin to kick my ass.

"come on," billie says softly, tugging on my arm. "let's go eat."

she pulls me out of the chapel and we make our way out of the building. i let out a frustrated groan as we begin walking to her car, my neck jerking roughly. 

as we stand by the license plate on her car, she cups my cheeks in her hands and forces me to look at her. "baby, look at me," she says softly, her thumbs running along my cheek slowly. my neck jerks some more and her hands move down to my shoulders, my eyes connecting with hers. "take deep breaths."

"motherfucker," i curse, her blue eyes staring into mine intently. "i can't believe he said those things to you!"

"breathe," she says simply, one of her hands moving to unlock her car. "you wanna go for a drive?"

i nod slightly and walk around the car, getting in and fastening my seat belt. not long after, billie carefully sets herself in the car and buckles up as well, pushing the key into the ignition, starting the car. 

she connects the bluetooth to her phone and hands it to me, "choose a song, any song."

I scroll through the downloaded music and chew on my bottom lip. seeing nothing in in her playlist that catches my eye, I switch over to the YouTube app. I scroll through the suggested music and see a song title that represents how I'm feeling.

I press play and look out the window, my neck jerking slightly as I listen to the words carefully.

say bitch
say say say say, bitch
i am what you get between a Texas and a Bay bitch
wait, bitch
now im in LA, bitch
catch me out in traffic, i be riding in the latest
faded

i nod my head to the beat and look over at billie, whos doing the same.

have the fuckin stereotype, used to fuckin carry a knife
hit a lick like every night
now im living in paradise, gambled like a pair of dice
bet it all and won it all, my bank account just hella rides

I hum along to the melody as billie taps the beat into the steering wheel with her fingers, accelerating onto the freeway. cars fly by us as billie seems to max the speedometer.

left all the negativity behind
every city i would grind, push the product, push the line
flip the whop and flip the price
push the weight like excercise
i was really doing it
moving and getting my weight up, now it's time

the tune changes and billies eyebrows furrow, her lips folding into her mouth as her foot presses down on the gas.

ima get that payback since like way back
all of yall owe me mine, ima have to state tax
yes bitch, say that
talk ya shit, they mad
little mamacita riding clean as what? ajax
hate that, hate this
half of yall hate your life
hating in the gram is easy
I would hate a haters life
look bitch, i dont even know what the fuck made you mad
but running your mouth is easy
use that energy to chase a bag

"oh!" billie shouts, laughing at the lyrics as she looks in the rearview mirror. "this is fire."

I dont gotta hate on you, you hate yourself
I can tell
I'll never hate on you, baby, you doin that by yourself

the song comes to a close and I grin. "if that song wasnt a whole mood, I dont know what is."

billie nods in agreement with a grin and looks into her rearview once again, her face falling as red and blue lights flash behind us. "oh, fuck me."