Hiraeth | Regulus Black

Chapter Nineteen

Regulus paced back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. His thoughts raced at a million miles an hour as he tried, and failed, to calm his breathing. He had barely arrived back at Hogwarts and everything had already changed. The second day's breakfast had barely started being served and his whole life had been uprooted - everything he had ever wanted to do had been torn away from him.

This couldn't be happening.
This could not be happening.
There had to be some sort of way out.

Of course, his parents had broken the news to him on the last day of the Christmas holidays. It had been hard enough to try to act normal over the past few days and Regulus just couldn't hold it in anymore. The gravity of the situation was very much beginning to set in.

What was troubling him most though, was what to do about Esme. Even just considering the situation freaked Regulus out - his breath speeding up as his hands started to feel sweaty.

"What are you doing?"

He turned to see Esme and suddenly his adrenaline levels shot through the roof. Now was not the right time. He was trying to be a good person. He could do that at least.

"Regulus?" Esme let out a light laugh as the boy stared blankly at her.

"Sorry." He blurted out.
She frowned, "For what?"

For not being the good person she wanted him to be. For not being the good person she needed. He couldn't be the kind of person she deserved. Not with all that their families were tangled in.

"I meant excuse me. I didn't hear what you said." He explained. Not a complete lie.

"I asked what you're doing out here. It's freezing this early in the morning." She stated, a bit thrown off by Regulus' peculiar behaviour. It was a more than unusual for anybody to be up this early, let alone pacing outside in the courtyard.
It was probably the nervous shaking that was keeping him warm. "I hadn't really noticed." He replied shortly.

For the life of him, the boy could not act. There was no way in hell Esme didn't suspect anything.
A pigeon would have been suspicious of Regulus at this point.

"Piper said she thought you seemed great." Esme smiled, "Although I think she likes anyone that doesn't let me get away with everything."

Regulus stared blankly back at her, his thoughts occupied elsewhere.

"You know, you are being particularly weird."
"Sorry."

"Why are you apologising?" She queried.

He was sorry for what he was about to say. What he was about to admit. How much he was about to disappoint her.

"I have something to tell you." He mumbled weakly.
Except he couldn't tell her, the words wouldn't come out. His throat clamped up even thinking about it. All he could do was hand her the letter to read it for herself.

Esme sat down on the bench in the courtyard. It felt as though her whole body had gone cold. Everything had gone dark.

"Esme..." Regulus gently sat down beside her. She hadn't spoken in several minutes and he was beginning to worry. He looked down and saw the letter addressed to him from his father was still clutched in her hands.

"Y-you're a Death-"
"Don't." Regulus held up a hand, "Please. Not yet."

Slowly, she turned her head to look across at him. "How do you feel?"
"As if my life is over." He whispered, glancing around the courtyard to make sure nobody else was around.

"You don't want this to happen? You don't want to be initiated?" Esme asked.
"Are you out of your mind? Do you think I want this to happen?" Regulus moved away.

"No, I-" Esme stammered, "I just need you to promise me that you want out. Of all of it."

Regulus reached into his bag and pulled out yesterday's Daily Prophet. He scanned over the headlines before handing it to Esme for her to read.
The front page article was about vanishing people. Not just missing but...

Fives wizards had gone missing from their homes and three muggles that lived in the house next door had been killed.

The Ministry suspected it was the act of Voldemort and his Death Eaters. The missing wizarding family had been purebloods. Perhaps the incident was a result of an initiation gone wrong.

"You think they were killed because they didn't want to become Death Eaters?" She mumbled.

"I promise I want out. Of all of it. It's not safe and it's not right." He said, taking the newspaper back from the girl.

"I can sort it."

Esme ran her hands through her hair, standing up and starting to walk in circles as she rambled out loud.

"I can figure this out. There's got to be a way out. There's so many things to try. It's not impossible. Clearly we can't talk to any Professors about this. Your brother may understand. Although it may be a struggle to get through to him. I wouldn't dare talk to my father about it. Oh! Of course! What about-"
Esme was abruptly cut off from her out of control thoughts but Regulus.

"Esme, I don't think I can get out of this." He spoke softly, rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly.
She sighed, sitting down beside him on the bench in the courtyard, "Of course you can. I think we should talk to Andromeda."

"Andromeda Black?"
"Andromeda Tonks." She corrected.

"I can't afford to drag people into this mess. I didn't even want to tell you." Regulus admitted, allowing his shoulders to slump down.
She frowned, "Then why did you?"

"I didn't want you to be mad at me. I don't ever want you to be mad at me again. Telling you what happened was the only way to ensure I could fully explain myself so you might understand." He explained, scuffing his shoes on the floor.
Esme laughed, "I can't believe you trusted me not to be judgemental."

"You're the most judgemental person I know. But, despite being harsh, you're never wrong. I trust you; there isn't anyone else."

"Regulus, I-"

"Hey, Avery!"

The two turned to see Levi Rogers jogging towards them.

"Oh! R-Rogers. What are you doing here? Do you know how early it is?" Esme asked, holding the Regulus' letter behind her back for him to take from her hand.

"I sent a letter a couple of days before Christmas. You never replied. I was worried." He explained, digging his hands into his pockets.
She sighed, "Sorry? I didn't get a letter from you."

"I should go." Regulus rose to his feet, "I've got to collect some books from the library."

Levi didn't reply, instead pursed his lips as he watched the Slytherin boy leave. Levi was a halfblood - his mother was a muggle and his wizard father was a very vocal activist for wizards and muggles mixing more.

"What did the letter say? Is something wrong?"

"No. I was just double checking everything was still in order. Thinking about it over the holidays, I'm more eager to get back at Mortimer Selwyn than ever." Levi let out a chuckle but immediately stopped when he noticed Esme wasn't particularly paying attention. "Is everything alright?"

"What?" Esme looked up, focusing her eyes on him.
Levi frowned, "You zoned out a little bit."
"Sorry."

Esme was concerned for Regulus. That was where her priorities lay, but she couldn't exactly explain that to Levi. If nobody were to suspect a thing, she had to act as if there was nothing to suspect.

"Sorry?" Levi scoffed, "I don't think I've ever heard you apologise to anyone before."

Esme pushed her worries away for the time being, "I didn't finish. I was going to say I'm sorry you're not more interesting. If you were, I would have paid attention."

"I was worried there, for a second." Levi rubbed the back of his neck, "Almost thought you'd gone off the plan."
"Not quite." Esme admitted, "I've just been so busy, it hasn't really been on my mind."

"So we're still on then?"

"You bet. Selwyn has no clue what's waiting for him, and I'm about to see my very first quidditch match."