Hiraeth | Regulus Black

Chapter Seventy

Esme took a deep breath, holding onto it for a few seconds before she hesitantly attempted to explain, "Something's wrong."

It wasn't quite the explanation Regulus had been hoping for.

"Wrong? What's wrong?" His mind was already racing as to what could have possibly happened. Though he wasn't sure how, he wouldn't put it past Esme to have stirred up more trouble with the Death Eaters.

"With me." She mumbled, "I feel... Different..."
Regulus asked, "Different? I'm sorry, I-can you explain more?"

"I have these thoughts and I... I can't help feeling like I'm a bad person. I'm scared and I feel guilty, but I don't know what for. I feel insignificant. I just... I think I'm going mad." Esme's voice cracked slightly. She remembered all too well the weeks immediately after she was inducted into the Death Eaters - how she had spiralled into sadness and despair that she couldn't seem to find a way out of.

"Oh, Es..." He sighed softly, placing a hand on her leg, "You're not a bad person. You know you're not."
"Do I?" She asked, "Because I'm a Death Eater. I could have run away if I really wanted to avoid that, but I didn't. I made the choice to stay and become one of them. I could be out in the world fighting against the Dark Lord but I'm sat here, behind the safe walls of Hogwarts whilst I study, and waiting to be arrested."

Regulus ran a hand through his hair, "Do you trust me to tell you the truth? Do you think I'm clever?"
"Of course. And I think you're the smartest person I know." She finally looked over at him.

"Then, when I tell you that you're not just a good person, but the best person I know, you know I'm telling you the truth. I've done my research, I've met other people, and you're the best one. We can look back at all of our past decisions and assume a million different things we could have done to makes things better - believe me, I've done that. I used to lie awake at night hating myself because I could have treated you better when we first got to Hogwarts... I could have stopped you from taking the fall for your father's broken typewriter all those years ago. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you were dealt a hard hand of being forced to become a Death Eater, and instead of running away from that, or losing your mind, you worked hard and are making good come from it. That's what makes you a good person - you're trying your best and you're putting good out into the world."

Esme reached down to take ahold of his hand that rested on her leg, and she gave his fingers a gentle squeeze, "I hope you don't think I just wanted some praise or attention from you."
"It wouldn't matter if you did." He smiled, "I'd give it to you anyway."

"Yeah, well..." She turned her head away, "It's not like I deserve that... Or you, for that matter."
He sighed sadly, "I used to think the same thing. For months after we first kissed I was terrified that I wasn't good enough for you and you were going to figure that out and never talk to me again. Instead, I realised that you're the smartest person I know, by a mile. If you think I'm good enough for you, then I must be, because I trust you. Sometimes I still worry that I might be holding you back or I might not be as wild as you want me to be, but at the end of the day that doesn't matter - there's nothing I can change."

"I... I don't want you to change. You're good - too good. Do you not think you deserve someone better?" She asked quietly.
Regulus shook his head, "Try not to be sick when I tell you this, but every time I see you I want to start smiling. The sweetest person in the world couldn't get me to do that. You're my favourite person, and in my eyes that makes you the best person. We've both been dealt bad hands and we're both helping the other become better and we're both worthy of each other."

Esme groaned, turning back to face Regulus and leaning forward so her forehead rested on his shoulder. Between them, they still tightly held each other's hands.

After a while of quiet, Regulus asked, "Are you alright?" before pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.
"I don't know." She admitted, "I-what you said to me and... I love you... But I don't feel better."

The saddest of smiles swept over Regulus' face. Really, it wasn't the small smile that was sad, but the depths of the empathy in his eyes which broke your heart.
"That's okay." He whispered.

Esme groaned again, scrunching her eyes closed, "I just... Ugh, this sucks and I hate emotions. I know it's probably unfair but I thought you could fix this for me like you did last time."

They both recalled the summer after they'd become Death Eaters. Esme had been distraught, and had almost completely given up. But every day Regulus was beside her saying sweet things, or cracking a bad joke, or even just being silent company. Eventually Esme emerged on the other side of the despair, and she had always attributed that to Regulus helping her through. He had been the one to make her realise she could try to do something meaningful.

"Last time? Esme, I would love to solve any and all of the problems that you face. I didn't fix anything for you that summer though. It wasn't me who made you feel better. You chose that. You made the decision to make some good out of that. It was you, not me, who did that." He explained, "I can always be by your side when things get tough for you, and I will, but it's only you who can fix it."

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, now embracing Regulus as she combed her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. "So no pressure on me then?" She half-joked.
"You're allowed to feel down. You're allowed to take as long as you want to feel better." He mumbled into her hair.

"Ugh." Esme groaned again, her face buried in the crook of the boy's neck, "Do you ever tire of being so good?"
He let out a light chuckle, "I can't help it. It comes naturally."

She sat up, pulling away, and cupped their boy's face in her hands before pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Don't forget-" She began.
"This is just between us. Got it." Regulus nodded with a weak smirk.

"If you hadn't just said what I was thinking, I'd be mad at you for interrupting me." Esme pointed at him, with a hint of something twinkling in her eyes.
He grinned, "I take pride in walking the fine line between amazing boyfriend and loveable rebel."

"I changed my mind; you're literally the worst." She jabbed her finger against his chest, "And is it bad I still kind of want to make out with you?"
Regulus laughed and leant back slightly, "Of course not. Look at me, I'm a catch."

Esme tilted her head to the side and replied, with a smile, "You are pretty."
"Thanks." He grinned, "And if I ever say no to making out with you, you need to promise you'll put me down. It's only fair."

Now smirking, she scoffed, "Trust me, that won't be a problem."

Whilst Esme's worries wouldn't fade away overnight, both of them knew and were prepared for that now. It was comforting to have someone in your corner who, despite not being able to fix your problem, was willing to support and understand.
Esme was feeling much less alone now, and that was all she ever really wanted.

Their faces were so close now that their noses brushed up against each other as Regulus placed a hand on Esme's hip and softly said, "Just promise me, no matter what, that you'll always remind yourself you're a good person."

"Yeah, that'll help my ego." A small smile emerged on Esme's face as she finally leant in and connected their lips.