Waiting on Sarah Grace

Not the Kind of Begging I Wanted

I'm supposed to get my cast off this afternoon, at least off my arm.  The apartment is almost done, and we'll be moving in there next week.  I've got almost all the wedding plans done, I have my final fitting next week, since the cast will be off my arm.  I've been to see my horse, and I really like the barn he's at.  They've taken such good care of him and told me to come ride with them any time I want to.  I was finally able to move all my stuff from the horse trailer to my own tack room, for the first time in forever.  Shooters friends got here the other day and my grandmother will be here next week.  I've talked to her on the phone some, and I'm afraid she's going to be a handful.  She's staying here in the club house, since we should be moved out by then.  The loss of the girls around here, has not been a problem, most everyone was ready for them to go, apparently, they like to have a crop rotation every once and a while. It seems I have a prospect that has made it his job to make sure I stay out of trouble if Tank, Shooter or my brother aren't around.  Critter says I remind him of his sister who died a few years ago.  So, if I go somewhere and they can't be with me, then Critter goes with me; only if I stay in the compound though.

It's hard to believe that it's been six weeks since the wreck and still no word from anyone about who did it.  I sometimes wish this matter would all just blow up so that it was over with, but then who gets hurt in the crossfire.  Usually Shooter tries to keep me out of my head, he knows this whole thing freaks me out, but since he's been with his friends, I hardly get to see him.  I'm asleep when he comes to bed and he's gone when I get up.  I've been managing on my crutch and usually I meet someone in the hallway willing to help me.  I know everyone knows something is going on with me, but don't want to say anything.  For the first time since I woke up in the hospital, I feel completely alone.  I manage to get myself dressed, teeth brushed and hair up, sorta; making it into the kitchen with help from wall; I find Shooter and his friends getting ready to go for a ride.  I don't even say a word, just turn around and hobble back out of the room, followed by the sound of chairs scraping and boots hitting the floor on the way out the door.  I make it back to my room, before Shooter decides to come after me. 

"Baby, I'm sorry, I know you feel like I've been ignoring you."

"I don't feel like it, I know you have.  Just go.  I think I've proved over the past two days I'm fine on my own."   I grab my phone and start looking for a book to download.  When he places his finger under my chin and lifts it to look in his eyes.  I don't know what he sees, I know I can't hide my feelings the way most people can. 

"I'm sorry love, I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"I'm supposed to go the the cast off today, do I need to ask my pops or my brother?"

"That's today?  I forgot!" I just raise an eyebrow, what's new?

"Yes baby, I'll be back in time,  I promise." Those are his final words as he kisses me on the head and heads out to be with his friends.  As soon as the door is closed, I hobble over and lock it.  I tell myself over and over, I will not cry; I will not let this hurt me. I continue until I find a book and begin to read, I set my alarm, so I have plenty of time to find someone to take me to the doctor is Shooter doesn't get back.  Then I get lost in the pages of a trashy romance novel.

It's killing me to do this to her, thayt look in her eyes, I know I'm hurting her, and I feel like a complete fuck up who doesn't deserve her.  But Robot has been hacking everything within range and he's pretty sure they do have someone on the inside.  After talking with Tank and Greaser, we decided it would be quickest to leave her alone and let that person move on her.   I just hope I'm not making a huge mistake; I feel like I am.  We leave the compound frequently, my guys being in town a good cover.  They 've been helping me move furniture at night and we've almost got everything moved in, just the stuff from the bedroom and her horse, which is being moved by Tank and Grit as we speak.  Greaser is staying to keep a close eye on her and the people she talks to, mostly she just talks to Critter about his sister.  I know that had to be a hard blow.  I can't imagine losing one of my brothers, we may not talk that much, but they are still my brothers.  My parents are coming next week for the wedding, I just hope after everything that I've done to her she'll still say, "I do",