Mirror // Van McCann

22. Band Practice (Part 3)

I finally made it home having dropped off Van not too long ago. He didn't want to go back just yet but I had to push him. I closed the door behind me and quickly went up to my room. Never have I been so relieved to change out of my clothes into something more comfortable. After changing, I laid down on my bed and thought back to the events of today. I couldn't help smiling like an idiot. I really enjoyed my day with Van and I looked forward to seeing him again tonight. That is if I can find a way to go without my mom asking too many questions.

I got up from my bed and decided to take a shower so that I could properly clean my feet. As I stood in the shower, the realization of what happened hit me. Van and I almost kissed. My mind was going a hundred miles per hour as I tried to remember the events that led up to it. I realized I was standing under the water for too long and quickly finished showering. I stepped out, put my hair in a towel, and looked at myself in the mirror.

But what does that mean? He wanted to kiss me and I didn't do anything to stop him. Does that mean he has feelings for me? I didn't stop him so what does that mean for me? I wasn't sure what to think. I've always thought of Van as a friend because he still loves his old girlfriend and we're from two different worlds. I let that sink in.

Things would never work out between us because he's dead and I'm not. My mind seemed to understand but my heart was telling me something different. I enjoy spending time with him and I get excited every time I see him. I can't imagine life without him.

I dried my hair and combed out the tangles. By the time I got out, I heard some banging downstairs which meant my mom was home from work. I went downstairs to greet her. Her back was turned to me.

"Hi mom."

My mom jumped and turned around. "Jesus, you scared me. I called out but you didn't answer so I assumed no one was home."

"I'm sorry. I was taking a shower," I explained.

"It's no problem. How was Adam's funeral?"

"It was fine. I paid my respects to Adam and his family. But then I saw him in the coffin and I still can't believe he's really gone." The words were heavy and I was feeling sad again. My mom sensed the change in my demeanor and quickly went to hug me.

"Losing someone is never easy," my mom spoke into my hair. "It takes time to heal." She pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes. "If you ever need anything, just let me know. Whether you want to talk, or vent—whatever. I'm here for you. Also, if you want to see a therapist, let me know."

"I'm fine for now but thanks. I just need some time to process it," I explained. Even though I wasn't that close to Adam, it was seeing the impact of his death on his parents that really upset me. Did his parents have someone to talk to?

-

My mom and I spent the rest of the afternoon preparing dinner. The two of us sat at the table eating.

"I talked to Liz last night. She said that Ryan has nothing but good things to say about you," my mom started.

"Really?" I asked. I had to admit I felt a bit guilty. I did great at the start but have slowly been neglecting my duties but maybe that was what Ryan wanted—to be left alone so he could spend time with his sister.

"I just want you to know that I'm proud of you for working things out."

"Thanks," I replied, smiling. It's not often that I hear my mom say that she's proud of me.

"How's visiting grandma?"

I couldn't help but sigh. "I haven't been visiting as often as I'd like," I admitted. "I've been keeping my distance like you told me to but it's hard when I want to do so much for her. I'm just being patient and waiting for her to open up to me."