The Girl I Loved Once

Chapter 16

I stormed out of Steve Bledells house a mixture of nervous and angry and frustrated. It all went into my ears and rushed through my head. I heard a roar as I opened the car door and slammed it. I almost didn't notice Lara Jean sitting beside me. Possibly to irritate me even more, the damn keys won't get in the ignition.

"God, she makes me crazy!" I yell, jamming the keys in and violently turning them. "What did you say to her?" I scream/ask. She shifted uncomfortably. "She asked me when we got together. I said just before school started". I do a full-body groan. I was afraid she was going to say that. "We hooked up that first weekend. " I say.

I'm lying. I just lied to her.

"But...you guys were already broken up?"

"Yeah, well, what's done is done," I say. I take a breath and calm down. It's not that big of a deal, and Gen honestly wasn't that mad. I don't know why I'm getting so mad.

"What were you two fighting about tonight, anyway?" she asks."Don't worry about it. You did a good job, by the way. She's so jealous it's killing her". I say, which is true. Gen wouldn't have even brought it up to me if she wasn't bothered by it. "Yay!" Lara Jean responded, which made me smile.

I love it when she says cute stuff like that. She's very cute.

I shake my head and she gives me a funny look. I keep driving.

"Peter.. how did you know you loved Genevieve?" She asks.

"God Lara Jean, why do you have to ask those kinds of questions?"

"Because I'm a naturally curious person." She responds. I shift uncomfortably at a red light. "And maybe the questions you should be asking yourself is, why are you so afraid to ask these questions?"

"I'm not afraid!"

"Then why won't you answer the question?"

I go quiet. I can't answer because I truly don't know if I ever did. Was I in love with Gen, or in love with the fantasy jock-loves-cheerleader trope? Was our relationship built on an illusion?

"I don't know if I every loved Genevive," I answer honestly. "How would I even know what the felt like? I'm seventeen, for God's sake."

"Seventeen's not so young. A hundred years ago people got married when they were practically our age."

"Yeah, that was before electricity and the internet. A hundred years ago eighteen-year-old guys were out there fighting wars with bayonets and holding a man's life in their hands, they lived a lot of life by the time they were our age. What do kids our age know about love and life?" I say. And just like that, Lara Jeans opened the floodgates. I've never dared say something like that to anyone. Lara Jean just works me up like that.

"You know what you sound like? My grandpa. Also, I think you're stalling because you don't want to answer the question." I grip the steering ween harder, and then loosen it in an attempt to keep my cool. I take a deep breath. We're nearing her house. "I answered it you just didn't like my answer". I respond. I turn off the engine and stay there for a moment, hoping Lara Jean gets the message that I'm not quite ready for her to leave. She takes her bag and puts it on her lap and turns towards me. She got the message. After a moment of silence, She says "Did you know when people fight with each other, it means they still really care about each other? Gen must really still have a hold on you." I don't respond right away. Instead,I sit and stare at my steering wheen for a moment. She's expecting me to retort, but I don't. She's right.

"She does, but I wish she didn't. I don't want to be owned by anyone. Or belong to anyone."

And just like that, it's out there. The real reason I'm doing this. Not because I want to make Gen mad, but so I can finally, once and for all, let go.