The Girl I Loved Once

Chapter 27

Lara Jean and I are sitting in a Starbucks, she's studying, I'm playing with her highlighters and talking to people from school. I kept glancing at Lara Jean, enveloped in her notebooks and textbooks, and watched her push the hair that kept falling in front of her eyes behind her ear. 

"Kavinsky, stop staring at your girlfriend!" Kevin Lester says to me. 

I go bright red. "I wasn't staring, I was just....looking in that general direction," I respond.

Kevin laughed and slapped me on the back. "You're whipped, man. I don't blame you. Shes honestly pretty cute." 

"In, like, a quirky way," I said Kevin looked at me strangely, and I laughed silently and walked over to Lara Jean. I decided to make a big show of grabbing her hands and kissing her on the cheek. Lara Jean smiled and turned bright red. "You ready to go?" I said. She nodded and closed her books and put everything away, and pushed her chair in. 

"Hey, Peter!" Someone shouted as we walked to the doorway. "You excited for the ski trip?" It was Emily Nussambam asks. I nod and walk out the door. 

* * * * * *  * *

"Did you sign up for the ski trip?" I ask Lara Jean, whos sitting on the passengers side of my car. 

"No, I'm a terrible skier."

"You don't have to ski, you can snowboard. That's what I'm doing."

She gives me a c'mon look, "Can you picture me on a snowboard?"

"I'll teach you. C'mon, It'll be fun!" I imagine this scene of me getting to teach Lara Jean how to snowboard. Us, alone on the slopes. Me holding her hand to help her balance. Its a dream. I grab her hand while we're at a red light. "Please please please Lara Jean? C'mon, be a sport. It'll be fun, I promise. If you don't want to snowboard, the lodge has a big stone fireplace and big comfy chairs. You can sit and read for hours. And they sell the best hot chocolate. I'll buy you one!" I say. I see her guard fall, and I can tell she's going to give in. 

"All right, I'll go. But the hot chocolate better is as good as you say."

I've never been so happy. I feel my cheeks go bright red and I smile brightly. "I'll buy you as many as you want."

"Then you better bring a lot of singles!"

I snort, my mind going to strip clubs, for some reason. 

"What?" She asks.

"Nothing."

* * * * * * * * * * * 

I drop Lara Jean off and drive off. I usually wait for Lara Jean to walk to the door, but I realize my mom needs me at the store for some chair emergency, so I rush off. I'm at a red light when I realize Lara Jeans bag with her wallet is in my car. I sigh, pull over, and text my mom I'll be a few minutes late, and turn the car around and head back to Lara Jean's house. 

When I pull up to her house and see Josh Sanderson, my stomach drops, and I can feel the blood rush to my ears. 

"Thanks, Joshy!" She yells, walking towards my car window. 

"You forgot your bag," I say, looking at Josh's house, checking if he's watching. I'm pretty sure he is. 

"I know. Thanks for coming back."

"Is he out there?"

"I don't know, he was a minute ago." She says, nonchalantly. 

For some reason, her lack of concern makes me angry. And sad. I'm annoyed that I have to share her with Josh. I'm worried that, in the event of Sophie's choice situation, she would choose Josh over me. In a rush of emotion, I do something desperate. I lean out my window, and kiss her. 

Open-mouthed and sure. And in the moment I don't care. I don't care about Josh or Gen or whoever else is involved. All my jealousy and anger is gone, and now I'm just kissing her for the joy of kissing. And for a very long moment, she's kissing me back. 

I pull away from her, smiling brightly. "Night, Lara Jean."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

I'm driving away on cloud nine. I'm sure Lara Jean likes me, and I like her. But, when the clarity sets in and the adrenaline are gone, I start to panic. Did I misread the kiss? Was she just kissing me to make Josh jealous? And now I'm regretting it. 

* * * * *  * * *  * * ** ** * * * 

I see Lara Jean at her locker, and my heart is thumping in my chest. This could go either way. We could make this a real relationship, or I could just act as nothing happened. I decide to follow Lara Jeans lead. Overconfidently, I stride over to her locker. She looks uncomfortable and won't quite meet my eyes, so I feel like shes upset with me. I'm disappointed, but I decide to act like nothing happened and that it wasn't a big deal. 

"Hey," I say from behind her door.

"Hey"

"I just wanted to set your mind at ease, Covey. I'm not going to kiss you again, so don't worry about it."

Her eyes fall, and I can't quite read her expression anymore. 

"I wasn't worried about it." 

"Yes you were, Look at you; your face is all pinched like a clam," I say comedically, trying to force myself to not be sad. 

"It's not going to happen again," I continue on, "It was all for Sanderson's benefit." 

"Good"

"Good," I say, taking her hand, and I walk her to her class. 

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