Stonehearts 6: Alexandrite

Thirty Eight

Christmas is fast approaching, and I haven't found the joy to my world. Sam already made plans that we'll be spending the holidays with his family, which bummed Mitch out because we had planned that we'll be spending it with her. Wala naman akong magawa, whatever Sam says, goes, even if it means Clyde wouldn't be happy.

And I fucking felt horrible. Sabi ko gagawin ko lahat para sumaya ang anak ko pero kabaliktaran lahat ng nangyayari. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. Bakit ang hirap maging isang mabuting magulang?

I looked at my reflection as I turned side to side to check if I really want to wear this red, satin, long dress Mitch picked for me. When I told her that there's a possibility I might see Gio at the company's Christmas party, she yelled over the phone saying, "Get your sexy ass up, bestfriend. You're going shopping!"

With her screaming and shrieking her every order via video call, we came into an agreement of just buying this dress. It's a little over the top for me, but Mitch insisted that this is the one.

The fabric flows effortlessly down my body. It's not too tight, but just right enough to show all my curves. It has a slit ending three inches above my knees. The front drops not to low or not to high, however it displays sufficient amount of skin to tease. The backless portion of the dress ends at my hips, and the thin string that holds the dress together overlaps each other forming an 'X'.

Nagdadalawang-isip pa rin ako kung ito ba talaga ang gusto kong suotin sa party mamayang gabi. Pinagpipilitan talaga ni Mitch. Sabi ko naman wala kaming mapapala dahil hindi naman kami naghiwalay ni Gio dahil gusto namin, naghiwalay kami para kay Clyde – na akala kong ikabubuti niya. Ngunit, sige pa rin si Mitch. Hindi naman daw namin alam kung may magandang maidudulot ito kung hindi ko susubukan. But that's the point isn't it? Hindi ko rin malalaman na may masama palang kaakibat ito kung hindi ko gagamitin.

Nagtagal pa ako sa kwarto, arguing with myself if this is really my choice of clothing. Hanggang sa nag-alarm ang phone ko, sinasabi na oras na para mag-book ng Uber going to the venue.

I sighed in defeat, so this is really what I'm wearing for tonight. I went over my make-up one more time before finally leaving the four walls of my room. Ibinilin ko muli si Clyde kay Manag Cora bago ako umalis. I went over the things she needs to do before Clyde goes to bed. Natatawa nga siya na humahanga dahil nanay na nanay raw ako kung magpaalala. I just smiled and gave the old lady a hug then went on my way.

I never bothered telling Sam where I was going since Clyde isn't with me. Wala namang pakialam 'yon basta alam niyang nasa bahay ang bata. Saka wala naman siya sa bahay tuwing gabi, so more or less hindi niya malalaman na umalis ako.

Nakapalumbaba ako habang tahimik na nagmamasid sa madilim na kapaligiran nang nasa daan na ako papunta sa party. Ilang beses kong pinaulit-ulit sa sarili ko na dapat wala akong ikakaba, wala akong dapat ipagalala. Christmas party lang naman.

Christmas party lang ba talaga, Lex? My subconscious asked. I can imagine her arching one eyebrow at me.

Napabuntong hininga ako sa kawalan. Sino nga ba ang niloko ko? Alam ko namang nagpunta lang ako dito dahil alam kong makikita ko si Gio; kahit sa malayo, kahit saglit. Hindi ko ipagpapalit sa kahit na ano. Pakiramdam ko taon na simula nang huli kaming nagkita. I miss him so much. My soul craved for him. There's not a time that I thought of him without feeling my heart clenched with pain, it was the type of pain that radiates to my chest. An emotional pain damn heavy that I start to feel it physically.

Walang gabi na hindi ko hiniling na sana hindi ganito ang nangyari sa amin. Walang gabi na hindi ko kwinestyon kung bakit kami? Bakit hinayaan pa kami ng tadahang magkita sa pangalawang pagkakataon kung mauuwi lang lahat sa ganito?