Vulnerable Thoughts

23. Feelings of loneliness

Do you ever feel alone?
Ice cold stone,
feeling lost to the bone.
Not knowing where to turn,
Not knowing who to trust.
Feelings of emptiness, running.
Filled with wanting love,
and feelings of lust.

I dont know who to trust,
When to let people in.
I've been disapointed too many times.
Daddy left me, mommy said goodbye.
I'll continue to try,
Over and over again.
But what if you reject me?
I could fear to be,
yet its easier to choose me,
and leave you out.
I want to scream this out loud.

If i cant let anybody in,
Do you think there is a chance i will ever win?
I refuse to see your aid,
I refuse to accept your help.
what if you leave?
what if you decide i am not worthy?
That would mean putting my heart on a sleave,
for a love I would never receive.
What will I achieve then?

What if you dont want to leave,
but you have to.
My heart would break, 
like before and it would be because of you.

Damn, than this is on me.
for giving you too much power over me.
I gave you the key to my heart.
You left, my heart it shatterd all apart.
Didn't believe i could've fallen so hard.

You left me, you had no choice.
You chose you, i understand.
But why does it feel, you left me to escape to another land?
I told you, I understand and I do.
But I still expierence these feelings,
I saw the bigger picture but denied what it did to me in the now.
Within that moment I took a unconcious vow.
To never let another get too close, never alowing them in my heartflow.
Why am i just seeing this now?

Its easy to let people go,
when they were never close.
To never create a heart-relationship.
Forever in a loneliness when feeling a dip.
This cant be the way,
This doesn't feel okay.

So, wait...
please dont go away.
I am learning to open my heart.
I am learning to stay open to the art,
of connection.
I am ready to create more devotion,
within us.

I need to step,
out of my comfort.
build whats neccery,
learn to understand,
nomatter the pain.
It was worth it.
The exit can be loving,
The beauty behind your departion.
This isn't the end for us.
I need to learn to trust.
We spread out, no physical contact.
Your energy remained with me,
Nomatter what.

Because i do feel your love.
I just dont understand where to start,
If this problem is something i want to solve.
Which it is, I aswell need to get involve.
Within a relationship with all.
Let go of the fear that I once again might fall.  

I created this dynamic I see,
Fear of rejection made me create exactly what I feared reality could be.

I want to create a new,
a relationship from the deep.
Trust me and what i feel.
Willing to fall within someone's hand,
knowing its okay.

Its time for me to understand,
the beauty of connection.
slowly follow the flow,
follow the pain, only done by a few.
It will take me somewhere with an end.
A fire I need to feel, A fire that will end all patterns for a new view.