Hey self,
It's 2020 yet here I am still lost in the middle of nowhere.
No, I'm not saying nowhere as in nowhere, I meant nowhere as in, what is this place? why am i here? is this where i am supposed to be? yes, that kind of nowhere.
it's been yrs, i know.
you must be just as frustrated as i am.
You had high hopes then, remember?
You had silly dreams.
You were even giddily looking forward to grow up because you were hoping growing up would be so much fun.
You believed growing up would make your silly dreams come true.
You thought growing up would make you happier.
You wished growing up would make you more... you.
And so I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if it didn't.
I'm sorry if growing up turned out to be such a mess for you.
I'm sorry if growing up dimmed your dreams.
I'm sorry if growing up only numbed your heart.
I'm sorry if growing up only made you want to be a kid again.
I know im sorry is a clichè and saying sorry will not change anything neither.
But I'm sorry is all i could say.
I feel sorry, self.
You deserve better than being stuck in a conundrum of poor life choices.
But my choices trapped you to more wrong choices, and heartaches and long years of misery I couldn't get you out.
If only...
If only I were braver.
If only I were wiser then,
I wouldn't have led you to a life that's full of questions but lacks of answers.
To a life that is sadly afraid of the future and is stuck in the idea of changing the past.
Sweetheart, I'm sorry if you feel scared and miserable all these years.
I'm sorry if i make you cry at trivial matters after promising you the best in this world.
I'm sorry if you are easily triggered despite you wanting to be okay.
You weren't like this before, right?
You were stronger then.
But the past few years made you weak, and fragile and lonely.
I've failed to protect you.
I've failed to make your dreams come true.
I've failed to make you happy.
And so I am sorry, so damn sorry.
I wish I can be you again---back to the happier and contented version of me.
I wish I can be you again so I can stop feeling sorry.
But things are currently bleak,
And it seems that there's still a long way before this inward storm will pass.
So for now, just hang in there, self.
Take shelter in the roof of this mess.
This will not last forever.
We will soon figure things out, I promise.
