my thoughts, my writing

Chapter 20

As bad as this year is so far... this chapter shall be just as bad and useless. I have been thinking about some things for quite a while and maybe publishing the conversations I have with myself in my head might lead to something.

But before I begin pouring all the questions and wonders I have kept hidden away in my heart, I want you to see me with the same eyes after you read the entire thing. Things that may come up in the following could be triggering or sound as if I was drowning in self-pity. I am confident that I do not pity myself. It is simply to bring across a point I have no idea how to express, other than explaining situations and the affect they may have had on me in order for you to understand where I am coming from.
All I can see, that is already written is >> I <<. Seems selfish, does it not? I here, I there, Me this, Me that, but how am I supposed to explain what I have encountered so far in MY life. Only I  know how I feel, MY questions, MY state of mental health.

Anyway I am trailing off, but I hope you see what I mean. A chapter of no importance, that only includes chaos and questions, just like 2020 does.
The perfect mess, indeed.
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I think I shall start with the most confusing thing: I am wondring how it feels to be happy or sad or angry or any other feeling/emotion but confusion and dullness. I know, as soon as the chemical reaction in my brain has worn off (adrenalin, endorphine or whatever chemical reaction causes specific emotions) I have already forgotten how it feels to be excited, happy, sad or furious. All that is left is the confusion and dull emptiness I am acustomed to. I know this constant state of confusion frustrates me, yet I feel indifferent.
I want to know how it feels to be in love, to be happy or to be heartbroken. I reached the point at which I would be proud of myself to feel any emotion, no matter how bad it may be. I would maybe even care about something. Everything I should hold dear to me, I could not care less about. I have a basic tolerance about what is acceptable and what is not. When friends leave it is confusing me. It doesn't sadden me that they do but it disappoints me that they never give me a reason as to why they leave. My grandparents are pretty much on the brink of their existence (it really is only a matter of time when death has caught up to them), yet I feel indifferent. By now they are only an inconvenience to me and test my patience. I know how bad it sounds and I should feel like shit and I can figure out exactly how people should feel and act in certain situations but I cannot see/feel myself caring. There are minor changes in my uaual way of feeling (the emptiness nd confusion with a tiny addition of what it feels like to be [insert emotion here] but it does not last and I cannot remember how it is to feel that way) but at the end of the day there is nothing left.

This all is utterly confusing, I know but this is my dayly life.

I know I hate being confused about myself constantly, yet I don't feel any hate. I could break down crying in frustration, yet nothing in me feels any different or only to a tiny percentage altered. Every day I do things I know I enjoy and am passionate about, but then again I question myself if I even have any passions, wishes, dreams I could pour my heart into. There is no difference. Then these questions pop up in my head:
"Do you have a heart like others do in the symbolic way?"
"What is it about you that does not function the way it is supposed to be."
"Where is the failure in your system and how could you possibly fix it?"

It really bothers me, yet, just as I am writing this, I feel no different. If I wanted to, I could not care less about this whole thing. I know a small portion of the things that exist I absolutely like and a small portion of things existing I absolutely dislike.
Physical pain is discomfort and I deteste such kinds of discomfort.
I like the taste of red peppers but I dislike the way mushy/cooked red pepper feels when eating it. Then the large protion of existence is the basic "I don't know and I don't care" - simply dull, empty and boring. I walk towards the things I like, I bear with the things I don't care about and I walk away from things I dislike but there is not much emotion attached in any of these three options.