The Hoax

16

"You screwed up, Yoongi. You didn't talk to Kook for a week, so he probably assumed you chose Jimin over him. I don't blame him for trying to move on."

Hoseok was eating dinner at their kitchen table, regarding Yoongi as he burrowed his head under his hands. The elder returned from the gallery a few hours ago and he hadn't moved since. He didn't have the capacity to take his pity party to his bedroom; every muscle in his body was shakey and weak. If he stood up, he may just collapse.

"So what do I do?" Yoongi asked his friend, his voice low and garbled as he spoke into his arm. "I wanted to apologize to him for being so stupid. I wanted to ask him to give me another chance. But seeing him with Taehyung . . . Tae is my friend, too. I don't want to hurt him, either. Maybe I should talk to him first and see how he feels about Kook."

Hoseok set his utensils down with a soft clang. "Isn't that how you ended up here in the first place? You talked to someone else before Jungkook."

"Yeah, but I felt like I needed to properly close the door on my past with Jimin before I could start my future with Jungkook," Yoongi explained, lifting up his head and running his hands over his face. "Shit, how did I screw up my life so much?"

"You didn't -"

The elder cut off Hoseok with a raise of his hand. "I did. Look at me. Working a job I hate, forgetting about my passions, and not managing any relationship in my life well. I am a full on screw up."

Yoongi only wished he realized this sooner so he could've cleaned up his act before meeting Jungkook.

"Stop beating yourself up, man," the younger ordered as he scooted his chair closer to Yoongi's. He wrapped an arm around the dejected boy's shoulders. "If you only spend your energy on what's gone wrong, you'll never get out of this negative mindset. So ask yourself what you can do now to improve yourself down the road. Stop moping and start figuring out how you're going to turn things around."

Hoseok gave him a small squeeze before cleaning up his dinner. The younger left after that, letting Yoongi know he was going to Namjoon's for a date night.

Yoongi knew his friend was right. He had the tendency to concentrate on how unhappy he was instead of taking steps to fix his issues. It was easier to give up than to step up.

But maybe this was the wake up call he needed. Maybe this was his chance to create the life he always dreamed of living. And to do that, Yoongi needed to focus on himself first. He needed to spend time bettering who he was as a person in order to get to where he wanted to go.

Yoongi needed to learn how to love himself.

With that revelation, he fished his phone out of his pocket and placed a call. Stud Muffin lit up his screen as a dial tone rang a few times. Jungkook didn't answer, but Yoongi didn't expect him to.

An automated message started playing in Yoongi's ear, instructing him on how to leave a voicemail. When a beep sounded, he took a deep breath and began.

"Hi Kook . . . fuck, I'm shit at these types of things. I'm not good at long speeches or opening up, but I'm going to try to do it now . . . I came to the gallery today to let you know I said goodbye to Jimin. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that I only care for you. It's all so obvious to me now that I've lost you, but ever since you entered my life you've been so important to me . . ."

Yoongi paused, aware he'd been rambling, and tried to collect his thoughts. It was crucial for him to let Jungkook know how important he was to him. This could be his only opportunity.

"You made me want to be a better person, Kook, and even though I'm not there yet, I'm going to keep trying. I want to become a person I'm proud of, someone who knows what he wants and goes after it. So I'm going to do everything I can to get there.

"I care for you so much and I'm so sorry I didn't show it," he continued, knowing he was moments away before getting cut off. "I miss you like crazy . . . But I know it's not fair for me to ask for a second chance. I don't deserve one right now. I need to fix a lot of things in my life before I could ever ask you to consider sharing yours with me. I'll keep that in the back of my mind, though. I'll always keep you in my mind."

After hanging up, he stared at the phone in his hand for a while. A small part of him hoped to see Stud Muffin pop up on his screen, a sign that Jungkook had forgiven him. But that was too much to ask. He hadn't earned that forgiveness just yet.

So he'd start small. He'd take control of the things he did have power over, like finding a job he liked and spending more time on his passions. If he was going to be truly happy, he needed to learn to be happy on his own. 

Yoongi went to his room, sitting down in front of his musical equipment. He always had the secret dream of producing tracks and working in the music industry, so he'd focus on bettering those skills as well. Music fulfilled him in a way no job ever could, so why not try to work towards his lofty goals?

Deciding to think positively about all of this, Yoongi would use this as a learning opportunity. Instead of doubting himself and questioning his feelings, he'd now trust his gut and intuition. He wouldn't make pros and cons lists when it came to matters of the heart.

Then one day, he'd look in the mirror and be proud of the man he saw looking back at him. That was a productive goal for him to work towards and he was determined to get there.

Only one person stood in his way - himself - and he would no longer let that be his excuse. He was going to be stronger. He was going to chase his dreams. He was going to build a life that would excite and challenge him every day.

And even though his heart still hurt, his mind was finally clear. Yoongi saw a path forward, and on the other side was the man he would one day become. Who knew when that would be, but every step forward would get him closer.

He had never felt more ready.

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

》 V A L E N W R I T I N G 《

As much as I'd love to make this an easy solution, that's not realistic. I always strive to depict real emotions and struggles, using my own experiences as the fuel.

In order to truly love someone else, we need to love ourselves first. This is a common saying and I stand by it completely. Yes, it's a very tough thing to do, but strengthening ourselves will help us create more positive relationships with those around us.

Sorry for preaching (yet again). I love you all!