Medical Emergency

9-1-1

"YOU KISSED. WHAT. HOLY SHIT." I tell Liz the second I get home. "Yeah, we were talking outside the bar and he told me he had a crush on me. He told me that he wanted to tell me but couldn't. Ya know, student-teacher thing? It's like illegal. Even though he isn't my teacher anymore, he's still a faculty member and I'm still a student. Liz, we can't do this. It's too risky." I say. "Bullshit. You said it felt hot. You said it was hands down the best moment you've had in years. And we BOTH know how hard it's been for you. Fuck it, if it's just a little bit dangerous, isn't that what makes it fun?" I smile closing the door to my room. I fall on my back onto the bed. Staring at the ceiling. Fuck, what am I going to do? Liz is right, it was hot and steamy. But not all sexual. The way he smashed his lips to mine, it was like he was begging for something. Like he wanted to do it for so long. The way it made me feel, it was new, and exciting. Different from when I was with Collin back home. That was one night. A night where I was feeling alone. He's really great and everything, and damn did he know what he was doing. But I want something more than that. I want something exciting, with someone who is going to be around. Collin's on tour, plus he meets hundreds of girls a day, he has his pick, and I bet all of my money that between them and me, he wouldn't pick me. 

I turn on my bluetooth from my bed. Listening to the soothing sounds of Third Eye Blind radio on Pandora. I grab my most recent book I'm reading and flip to the page I bookmarked. My phone dings. 

matthacklernp24 @ bumed.com

I have some things we need to chat about regarding this semester. Can you send me your number so we can discuss it? Thanks. -Professor Hackler

emilynmarchesi @ bumed.com 

Sure. (518) 555-0718. -em 

I wait a few minutes, why does he need to talk about this semester? I thought everything was fine? I check my grades, no changes. 

(518) 555-0103: Sorry about that email. I had to get your number to talk with you off of any email that can be traced back. 

Me: that's fine. What do you need to talk about? 

Matt: I needed to say sorry. I didn't mean to come across forceful. And I don't think this is a good idea. I sat and thought about it on the way home and it's too risky. 

Me: I said the same thing to Liz. She won't say a word, I promise. But this isn't anything. We kissed, it's done and over with. 

I feel a harsh heaviness in my chest as I send it. He's right though. It's too risky. School policy says any relationship of a student and faculty member is inappropriate and can warrant suspension of both the teacher and the student from the facility. We can't afford that for either of us. 

Matt: I agree. If you need anything, please reach out. I had fun tonight though, happy you came out. Maybe we could chat when you've graduated? 

Me: Hope so. May can't come soon enough. 

He sends back a fingers crossed emoji. And just like that, I'm alone again. Feeling the forever loneliness that I always do. Finally someone who made me feel alive, even if it was just for a moment. That's how it always goes. "I like you but I can't." I know that was my excuse with Collin. But I really can't. I don't feel that spark. All the romance novels have deeply underprepared me for actual love. My hopes are far too high for it. I want the kiss in the rain, running to each other, walking through a crowded room. That's what I want, nothing less. In the end, I'll probably die alone. 

~~

"So, how have you been?" Collin and I walk down the street in Boston, coffee's in hand. "Good, busy. School's done till January. I just want to be done." That way I can see Matt again. We haven't talked since that night. Nothing, no emails, no texts. His instagram has been quiet. It's like he fell off the face of the earth. I fiddle with my straw in my cup. We walk by the water, it's chilly and slightly windy. "You cold?" He asks, taking off his heavy jacket, wrapping it around me. "Thanks." I say. We walk more, chatting about traveling and the band and things. "I wanted to ask you something." He says, sitting on a bench now. I sit next to him, his elbows rest on his knees as he leans forward. The slight breeze moves his hair on his head out of the way. "I really like you. Not in the dating way, just hanging out with you. I like talking to you." He says. "Okay?" I say quietly. "I just want to be friends. If you wanted to. I thought a lot about that night. The night we..ya know.." He looks at me now, I smile. "And?" "And...I wanted you to come to Philly with me. Just as friends, nothing crazy. Dallas' uncle has a cabin outside of the city that we hang in sometimes. It's pretty big and nice. A good place to just hangout. You can bring Liz too. I thought it'd be fun to just hangout." He says, his face hopeful. I play with my straw again, thinking about it. I see it, sitting around a fire outside, the wood stove burning inside. It's nice to feel wanted for once. Instead of being the one chasing. Maybe we could be friends.