Medical Emergency

Risky Business

I wake up to the wonderful smell of sizzling bacon. I sit up, stretching, my t-shirt and hair smell of campfire. I get up and slide on a pair of leggings and fuzzy socks. Putting my BU hoodie on and glasses. The kitchen is full of tall, dark haired boys trying to cook breakfast. "Come on! I want pancakes!" Von yells from the stools behind the counter. "Dude, I'm on bacon duty, we can't burn it like we always do. It'll ruin in." Venti says, standing by the sizzling bacon in the pan. Collin stands at the coffee maker, pouring two cups and handing one to me. "oooh! Em makes the BEST pancakes ever." Liz says over the yelling in the kitchen. "Not to brag but I do make a mean pancake." I joke, leaning against the counter. I grab a large bowl and get out flour, baking powers, salt, and sugar. "Can I help?" Collin asks. "Yeah, melt the butter and get me an egg?" I ask, he puts the butter in the microwave and mixes in an egg. I have him mix the batter while I get a pan ready, drowning it in melted butter. "Butter is the key, that's the best part." Flipping the pancakes on the griddle, I hand them each to the guys and they sit. 

"These are the best pancakes I've ever had!" "I told ya she was good!" Liz says back. They finish eating and clean up as I head outside on the patio, sipping my coffee. "No pancakes?" Collin sits. "Nah, I can never eat right when I get up." I watch the snow falling slowly from the trees, the semi-warm breeze. It's about 55 out, as opposed to the usual 20 or 20 degree weather in the northeast. "Whatcha thinking about?" He asks, cutting the silence. "Just stuff." I say. "Hey, listen. I know you told me about a lot of stuff last night. You don't have to feel bad about it." He says. "I don't feel bad. It just brings things back." I say. I had another nightmare last night. Thankfully, Collin is a heavier sleeper. I sat out on the balcony for a while, just listening to the wind and the trees. Watching the twinkling of the stars. "You didn't have to tell me but you did. I'll tell you things too, at the right time." He says, I nod. 

Matt: I'm teaching your leadership class this upcoming semester. I just got word. I know you're signed up but if you'd rather switch to the other class taught by Donna you can. 

Me: No, I don't really get on with Donna that well. I'd rather stay in your class if that's okay. 

Matt: More than okay. Enjoy the rest of your winter break. 

Me: You too. 

I can't tell if he's excited or slightly annoyed. His messages never seem to tell me anything. Some things he says makes me feel hopeful, others like the total opposite. I can never tell what he's trying to say, without actually saying it. I hate this game, unfortunately, I'm an expert player. After Andrew, it was always like that. He always played mind games with me, having me guess whether or not he wanted me or didn't. I hated it. 

~~

"Hot tuuuubbbb!!" Venti jumps in to the bubbling hot water. "ooh yeah this is great." He sits back, relaxing. I slip off my bathing suit cover, my hands cover my body as I get in. I've always been so self conscious of it, of my scars. No one ever made me feel like I was good enough. My stretch marks, small pouch of skin on my belly, cellulite on my thighs..It was a body that never felt like mine. I try to act confident, but in reality, my mind always races. I wonder when I love me is enough. I take cover in the overflowing bubbles of the hot tub. Fortunately, it's large enough to fit a bunch of us. Von and Liz hiding out somewhere. Jordan snapping pictures of the melting winter wonderland around us. The sun goes down almost immediately. As the night goes on, the fire goes out, leaving Collin and I alone in the hot tub. 

"A few years ago, my cousin died. He killed himself." He blurts out. I sit quietly in my corner. "I remember the day like it was yesterday. I remember where I was when I found out. I was inconsolable for a long time, cut myself off from family and friends. We were really close, he was on his way, going to college, had friends and a girlfriend. I still don't understand why, why he did it. I guess I'll never really know. I just wish I was there. I wish I was there to talk to him about it, maybe I could've changed the outcome. I still feel this emptiness, longing for him. I remember sitting in his room, playing video games, and hanging out around his house. This constant pain in my chest that never goes away, like he took a hole from it when he left. I miss him everyday, I just wish I could call him and tell him about everything. Everywhere I go, places I see. I know he would love them." I see the tears fall from his eyes. I move across the hot tub, holding him.