In His Eyes

So i can

Also just a side note,hello it's Jay from the future!! I have another story called the flower that died . It's completely original and I'd love for you guys to maybe check it out. Sorry for the shameless self promo.
Scott:

My coffee is cold, the bitter taste has turned foul by now and I haven't even finished half of my mug. I'm not entirely sure why I'm sitting in this shitty coffee shop drinking shitty tea with some shitty pastry, but here I am, I guess. I've been here all day and people around me must think I'm homeless. I suppose they aren't exactly wrong since I got evicted but I don't sleep on the streets, Mrs Grassi was kind enough to let me sleep on her couch until I find a place to stay but i still feel bad so I try to stay out of her home as much as possible as not to be an annoyance.

Mitch is still in hospital, they want to keep him in now to focus on treating his cancer. I'm not sure it's working well and his hair is falling out. I hate seeing him so sick, I can't bare to look at him. I think that's why I'm here drinking my shitty cold coffee, I'm trying to avoid seeing the boy I love dying. Mrs Grassi said that my eyes have gone grey and dull, I'm not sure what she means but they say that happens when you've lost all motivation in life. Maybe they have gotten dull.

I hear my phone ringing.

I don't answer it.

I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sleep all the time but I can't because I don't want to get in the way of the Grassi's. I've been kicked out of school aswell. I haven't been for the past two months so they decided to make me leave.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm loosing the boy I love and he doesn't even know how I feel. There's someone out there that is set on tearing Mitch and I apart and I don't know who. I have no fucking purpose anymore and my emotions are just gone. It's like there's this black cloud that follows me everywhere I go just taunting me and sucking the life out of me.

I want to cry. I want to scream and kick and bawl my eyes out but I can't. I don't have the energy. I don't have the tears.

I found Mitchs lighter, cigarettes and razor hidden in his wall. It's surprisingly relieving, I think I understand why he does it now. Just a few lines on my thighs and I feel momentarily better. The physical pain takes away the crashing emotional sea in my head. It's satisfying, especially since I know that one cut that's deep enough down my arm will end everything. I hold my life in my own hands. That seems to be the only thing keeping me going right now. The slight power I feel when I hold that razor blade on my fingers and press down on my arm knowing that in one smooth quick motion it could all be over.

I am in charge.