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i wheezed, laying down on the yoga mat and trying to pull myself together. i was out of breath, my lungs were burning as if i had been breathing sand and my whole body ached and shook, but that didn't stop me from forcing myself to keep exercising. i needed to exercise, i needed to keep losing weight and tone my body. i wanted to have the perfect figure, the hourglass everyone envied. i wanted to be perfect in everyone's eyes, no matter how broken i was on the inside. i knew losing weight became my obsession. i knew i had a problem the moment i would step on the scale with the fear that i had gained even a gram. i knew i had a problem the moment i was scared of eating, because the voice in my head would tell me that i would get fat again. i started to develop this underlying dread of gaining weight and it turned into my very own prison - me being it's own prisoner. food had once been my escape and the only thing that would make me happy, but now, that heaven had turned into hell.
i exercised a lot and ate less and less. to avoid hunger, i would drink water, even though it wasn't doing much. i would count every single shred of calorie a certain food had. i would starve myself if i felt as if i had eaten too much the other day. i would exercise until i cried, until my body fell limp to the yoga mat and i pleaded for it to stop. i would exercise until i passed out and i would even throw up most of the food i ate in the bathroom whenever i felt like i ate too much. it was a neverending cycle. it was a personal hell. and it seemed like it would never stop.
i graduated high school, the skinniest i had ever been. my ribs were showing under my skin, my limbs looked thin and frail, but i was still smiling brightly on my graduation photo nonetheless. i knew i had an eating disorder, but i refused to accept it, i refused to seek for help and i refused to help myself. i kept going down the same path. my friends and family were worried when i moved out to go to college. my mother often cried whenever she called me on the phone and advised me to eat. my best friend, chaeyoung, would often check up on me via texts and ask me if i had eaten and i hated it. i hated how everyone's first question was: "have you eaten?" or "why aren't you eating?" or "shall we go eat something?".
it was always the same old questions, playing in my mind like a never ending song. i still wasn't happy with the way i looked, but. . .
i got recruited to work as a model under a famous entertainment company, while on the street. it felt weird to have a stranger compliment my looks, when all my friends and family ever did was say that i look unhealthy. the staff there made me feel good about myself and about my body. they liked my "natural beauty" as they called it and didn't put me under any strict diets, since i was already skinny.
never did i know that after accepting this sudden job offer, my life would take a sharp turn and i would meet her. she brought peace to my chaotic world. she made me feel safe, wanted and loved. it wasn't like anything i had felt before. with her i could be my true self and not hide behind filters.
she made me feel alive, even when i felt dead on the inside.
