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it had already been a few days since i last saw lisa and yet, i couldn't stop thinking about her. whenever i lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling, in my darkest moments, i often recalled her words. they rang through my ears like a careless whisper, as if she was right beside me.
truth be told, i was never affected by anyone's words. all the people closest to me would often beg me to stop doing this to my body and eat instead. eat as i once did. they hated seeing me destroy myself to pieces everyday, pick them back up and repeat the cycle. it wasn't healthy. it wasn't and i knew it. but i didn't want to stop.
"one day you're going to end in a fucking hospital, getting fed through an intravenous injection and i won't be there by your side! get yourself together, kim jisoo. you're an adult. you're no longer a child. you're supposed to know better than this," my older sister would often scold me. she had always been the most responsible out of the two of us, always the perfect child. i often felt like my parents preferred her over me and i wouldn't blame them if they did. she was perfect. she had both brains and beauty, studying to be a doctor - basically this is every parents' dream.
i was a mess. an odd number. i was nowhere near as perfect as she was. my grades hadn't always been straight A's. my parents always expected too much of me. my teachers at school expected too much from me, because they knew my sister and thought i had it in me too.
i was always living under her shadow, under expectations that were set based on her abilities.
truth was, my sister and i were two very different people. she was wise, calm, collected. she was many things i was not. confident, beautiful, living and breathing proof of perfection. meanwhile, i was always the loud one. the one who talked too much. the one who enjoyed social studies over science. the one who struggled with deciding on something to major in. the complicated child.
i never felt happy with myself.
but shedding off the extra pounds gave me some sort of self-validation and i didn't want to let it go just yet. even if my mental health was not at its best, at least i would have a nice body. but sadly, i never felt that satisfied with who i was, even after i lost the weight. i continued to pick at myself everyday by staring at myself in the mirror for long hours, finding every single flaw and making myself feel even more miserable.
_
when i entered the audition room, i noticed nothing had changed. everything still looked the same. the wooden parquet beneath my feet, the large mirror behind my back, the camera up front. . .
a young girl stood behind it, tapping her fingers against the empty desk behind her. i could tell she was nervous by the way her black eyes darted around the room quickly as if she regretted accepting this job. lisa, on the other hand, seemed rather calm as she stood beside her and when our eyes finally met i nearly stopped breathing. her long black hair was gone, instead it was replaced by a messy bob and it looked way too good on her. it accentuated every feature, especially her jawline and nose. lisa's hair aren't the only thing that catch my eyes, the lip ring on her lower lip doesn't go unnoticed either and i unconsciously end up running my tongue over my lower lip. this woman never fails to look attractive. i'd know, because i spent last night scrolling through her instagram account.
as i sat down on the chair in front of the camera, i found myself unable to tear my gaze off lisa. she looked absolutely stunning and my heart was already doing backflips at this point. i wished i could look that good. i wished i could be that confident.
"c-could you introduce yourself?" the girl behind the camera stuttered.
i nodded in response, turning to look at the camera. i didn't feel as nervous as i first did. maybe it was because lisa was watching me with a small smile, maybe it was because the new girl wasn't as intimidating as chaemin was, i didn't know. "my name is kim jisoo. i'm 19. i'm a foreign languages student. i sometimes do photoshoots at home and post them on instagram, uh," i paused for a moment, not knowing whether i should continue or not.
the new girl only gave me a thumbs up, before moving on to the other question. "why did you decide to apply?"
since i was already asked something similar during my last interview i already had an answer. out of the corner of my eye, i could see lisa's amused smile as she ran a hand through her hair, tilting her head to look at me afterwards while her bangs gracefully fell on her forehead. "i have always had a keen interest in fashion, but never felt i was the right size or shape for typical modeling work. i was actually approached by a talent scout two weeks ago and it made me realize this was something i could pursue,"
part time, i wanted to add, but decided to hold back.
i got asked a few more questions, but i was barely paying any attention to them. i was too busy making eye contact with lisa. our eyes would meet and she would either smile or wink at me playfully and each time she did, i would stutter and my words wouldn't make any sense. the new girl thought it was because i was nervous about the interview and assured me i was doing well, but truth is, i had been too distracted by the ethereal beauty next to her to wonder whether i was actually doing well or not.
once the interview was finished, i politely bowed at the two and was about to exit, but a hand encircled around my wrist, stopping me from doing so. my skin burned at the contact and i felt my heart pick up its pace. the strong smell of vanilla cinnamon. . .turning my head, i was met with lisa's caramel brown eyes.
"do you have any plans later?"
"uh, no, not really." i answered, looking at her with curious eyes. why was she suddenly asking if i had any plans? did she want us to spend some time together? yeah, right, she's probably just going to remind me to eat. after all, that's what everyone does.
lisa smiled brightly, her perfectly white teeth showing while her round eyes now resembled upside down crescent moons. "great. let's hangout."
_
a/n: i don't really like how this chapter turned out, but i still wanted to update, so we'll take it.
