In The Meadow

Two.

When i was younger I never wanted children. How the hell could i bring them into the world i grew up in? I never wanted to have to bare the heartbreak of losing a child to the games. To the capitol. To anyone. I watched 22 parents grieve over the loss of the children that died that year of the 74th annual hunger games. And then there was the rebellion and it was a different world after that. But, Peeta wanted them so badly. Fear sat within me through every conversation of kids. the what ifs played in my mind over and over again. But eventually there were two beautiful souls running around under our legs and the way Peeta lights up at the sight of them made the fear settle. She loves chasing Peeta around the yard and jumping on top of him. And the boy, always sat close to me. Never going too far but always curious as to what his father is up to.

And then there's haymitch, who has tried to better his life for Effie. They married not long after Peeta returned home. he's sober most days, for her and the kids. But like this morning, he poured a little into his tea. Hes not a drunk anymore, but he sure gives himself enough when he needs it to take the pain away.

there's night i understand the self medication route he took. i wake up screaming many nights. Waking everyone in the house up. there were times peeta didn't sleep for days because he was so worried about me.

I jumped out of my bed yelling, as the train still traveling and night was still upon us. My door slides open as Peeta comes in running his hair sitting in different ways as panic sits on his face. We were traveling on our victor tour. Everyone has heard my night terrors spring me awake but this one must have been bad for Peeta, who had blocked me out, to come in.

"Im sorry it was just a dream" I whisper to not wake anyone else up.

"Its okay, I get them too" he spoke as he turned his back to exit. "Peeta" i said his name as he turned quickly back around, like he was waiting for me to beg him to stay.

"Will you stay with me?" I ask looking down at my hands that were shaking still.

"Yeah ..." he said climbing into bed with me as he pulled me into his embrace. I felt safe. "...always"  he said running his hands through my hair.

They never went away. The first year oakley had been alive, I didnt have any. I blame that on not much sleep since he was a baby, even though Peeta always stayed up throughout the night with him insisting i sleep. My heart always ached at the thought of not being a good enough mom, Peeta always assured me I was the best mom he had ever known. The way his eyes lit up in a room when I spoke, proved he was right. then willow came, and she loved peeta so much. she reminded me of how i was with my father. She was such an easy baby, or maybe peeta and i just had the hang of things better. There would often be nights I would wake up and not see Peeta there, afraid they have came back for him, the capitol that no longer exists. I would walk slowly through the house waiting to smell the intensity of the roses fill the air, but they never came. The smell would never be around again, but it haunted me. I would find Peeta curled up on the couch with her asleep peacefully in her fathers arms. I also would see Oakley sitting there next to them asleep with his hand in Peetas. I understand though, I always slept better in Peetas arms also.

Peeta, to this day deals with the highjacking. I know some day we will have to explain to them why he has to clinch the chair so tightly it makes his hands bleed sometimes. Even though as they grow older, I never want to tell them.

"You're a mutt!!"

his words pierce through my veins and break my heart all over again, everytime i hear it in my thoughts or in my nightmares. But then, the boy with bread softly brings me into his warmth and everythings okay again. But the truth is, none of us are okay. No one, who lived through such horror like we had, will be okay.

Time doesnt heal all. But it has healed enough for Peeta and I to live. To survive.

"What are you up to today Haymitch?" i asked as the sun peaked through the woods and was now warming us up from the cold that was sitting along us.

"Oh who knows what Effie has planned for me today" he laughed bringing his hands through his long blonde hair. Peeta and I followed in swift laughter with Haymitch over Effie and her passion for making sure everyday has a schedule and that they DO follow it.

"What about you guys?" he asked as Peetas hand wrapped around mine tightly. I shrugged, he knows after the horrific nightmare I had, I dont want him leaving my side. He normally goes to the bakery on cold days like today and makes warm bread to bring to our small village of 3 houses. But not today. His warm hand squeezed lightly as i remember in the dream how cold it got, how it let go of its grip when he left me.

You sound crazy. i think to myself as the thoughts of something that never happened feels so real. LIke it could, possibly. But it isnt possible, the games did not happen.

"Katniss" Peeta said bringing me out of my thoughts as i looked over and seen his smile on his face when his eyes meet mine. so blue, so full of whatever life he could possibly hold within him.

"Yeah?" I asked softly as his hand reached up to my face and pushed a piece of hair behind my ear.

"I said, would you like to take the kids into the woods today?" he asks. I nod, I only take them when I feel the day is safe or if it was something i needed. I didnt have gale here to do so anymore, he still is in district 2. I never could forgive him for what he created to kill Prim. Whether he pulled the trigger on the bombs, or didnt.

I try not to let myself fall into the darkness i once fell into. It reaches for me and yells my name like the mutts did in the sewer, but I could never. Because of Peeta, he saved me. Him coming home and planting those primroses. He does it every year. He never lets them die. That was the difference between gale and Peeta.

Haymitch left and attended to Effie as we walked back into out house. Peetas hands never let go of my hand, thankfully. I will always do what I can to protect Peeta, he will always be the one to survive.

I walked slowly into Willows room and placed my hands along her head, running my fingers through her slightly wavey hair from the braids she had in the day before, as she stirred in her sleep.

"Goodmorning sunshine" i smiled as her blue eyes opened, looking up into mine and glancing over to Peeta.

"Goodmorning" she smiled back, her birthday is tomorrow. The year I had been dreading the most, turning 12. Although now to 12 year olds, it the last year before becoming a teenager, but I, I know what turning 12 used to mean. Her older brother, Oakley walked in, he was 15 and gave me a kiss on my cheek.

"Hey mom" he said, now taller than me. He looked so much like his father i cant help but stare at his beauty at times.

It had been 20 years since the games. We waited 5 full years before having a child, and even then i was scared it was too soon, too early to the ending of the games and the ending of snows life.

"Would you two like to go hunting with me today?" I asked as Oakleys eyes lit up, he loves it. He got that from me.

"Yeah! dad can i borrow your boots??" he asked as i shuttered at the boots he still had from the games, but they were the best possible boots one could have for the woods. Peeta nodded and sat next to willow.

"Willow do you want to come with me later on and help me decorate your cake?" Peeta asks her as she rubs her eyes and yawns. i smile at her, she's perfect. i'm dreading her growing older, but for different reasons than what i dreaded for Prim.

"any ideas what you want?" i ask her and she nods and her feet hit the ground as she runs over to her window, where her father was sitting. he turned with her to see what her finger was pointing at.

"those flowers" she smiles and my eyes welded up some and smile makes its place on my face, "for auntie prim" she says again.