In The Meadow

Twenty Three.

I carried the girls in my arms as we walked into our home. Our home that was supposed to be of 6 is now 5. and my heart ached at the thought of my house so full but so empty without Peeta, and i stop and stare into the opening of my home.

"are you okay? do you need anything?" Peeta asks as he's opening the door to our home thats welcoming our new baby boy.

"no im perfect, i have everything" i smiled and we walked into our house for the first time as parents.

"Katniss" Effie whispered as she held her hand on my back. i looked over to her and nodded and walked up the steps. and instead of peeta gleaming over our babies and me, i have my oldest two, haymitch, and effie looking terrified that im going to fall apart. Since i couldnt bare the thought of putting a nursery together when Peeta was always the one putting them together while i sat by and admired him, Effie and haymitch created a beautiful light baby pink room with two of everything.

"Its beautiful" i say and effie smiles and has kept her hand on my back, maybe shes scared if she lets go im going to fall over. I walk around the room and smile down at Auburn and Blakely, "Do you girls like your room?" i whisper to my sleeping girls, "Daddy would have loved it too" i say and kiss their heads. But i dont stay in the room, i take the girls and make my way to the chair. and i sit there and let the wind carry my words, "come home, if not for me, for the girls"

everyone sits by all through the day and haymitch builds a fire, and effie cooks dinner for everyone. I'm to busy getting up to change the girls, feed the girls and go back to my chair to even eat right now.

"You should eat, katniss" haymitch says as i rock in the chair, a baby in each arm, looking at the glistening snow that shined from the moonlight, "the boy would want you too" he says kissing my head and him and effie walking out of the house.

i shutter at the thought of going up to Peeta and mine bedroom. I havent gone up there not once. I had oakley bring all my clothes down in a spare closet and i shower in the kids bathroom. i wouldnt dare go into the room that was filled with every ounce of him. All of his clothes, his smell im sure is still lingering on the bed, and every memory that we shared in there would for sure jump off the walls and feel like its strangling me.

"dance with me" Peeta whispers climbing out of bed and gripping my hands and pulls me to my feet.

"You are crazy" i smile and look into his bright blue eyes as we swayed back and forth.

But to be a functioning parent for Oakley and Willow, and now my two newborns I know I had to face it. I had to take the final step in accepting Peeta was gone. I hushed the girls as they started to wake and placed them in their cribs, "goodnight you two, mommy and daddy love you" i say as i kiss their chubby cheeks and walk over to willows room.

i knock and i open the door slightly to see her sit up and look my way, "hi mom" she yawns and i go sit next to her in her bed. i pull her into my arms and i kiss her head, "hi my sweet girl" i say and she grips her arms around me tight.

"Is everything okay?" she says and i nod, "i just want you to know, that your dad and i we.. he loved you more than anything or anyone on this earth" i say and she nods, "i know" she smiles and before i bid her goodnight and go to Oakley's room.

i peaked my head in his already open door and he was sitting at his desk, drawing? i walk over his shoulder and see hes drawing the snow with the single dandelion in it, shining.

"Oh wow" i say and he turns and smiles to me, "hey" he says and stands up and hugs me.

"Oakley im so sorry-" i begin to say but he hushes me, "dont be sorry mom, you did all you could. i know that, dad knows that. he loved you more than the stars in the sky" he says and i smile and sigh. Peeta did love me more than anyone could ever imagine.

"thank you" i whisper and then i leave his room and walk up to mine. the door was still shut and i placed my hand on the cold knob. i pull it away quick but then i shake my head and open the door. and i was right when i say i couldnt breathe at the sight of everything. His shirt he wore the morning of the reaping still laid on the bed. our bed wasnt made and i could almost see the print of where he laid. i ran my fingers along our dusty drawer and walked to his side of the bed.

"oh peeta" sighed as i picked up his shirt and squeezed it in my hands, i slipped off mine and placed his over my head. and his warmth and scent took over, so strong like he was there himself and it almost knocked me to my knees. i laid down in his spot and pulled his pillow close to me that smelled like his shampoo. it was the most comforting thing ive had come my way since he died.

i laid there for a while imagine i was laying there with him, in his warm arms chasing away whatever haunted my dreams. But, the girls started sobbing and i, quick to my feet like i was begging for an excuse to get me the hell out of here, went their way.

and they cried and cried for hours and no matter what i did i couldnt stop it so i placed them in the spot i was laying and they settled quickly, even just his scent could make anyone sleep better. and i was grateful he was some how playing a part in parenting the twins. i smile down at their dark hair and look over to peetas closet. I grab two of his t shirts that he wore often and delivered them to Oakley and Willow.

"For when you cant sleep. Itll help, it still smells like him." and they both hugged me and put it on. I assumed, we would be living in peetas clothes until it became bearable to breathe.

my phone rang and i walked over to answer it before it woke the girls up.

"hello" i whisper and looked to the clock and saw it was about 2 in the morning.

"Hey katnip" Gale said through the phone.

and i thought maybe i could forgive him, try to move past this but i know i never could.

"Goodbye gale"