In The Meadow

Thirty one.

what if whats in front of us is more terrifying then what we've been through? could i survive it? could peeta? could the kids even bare the thought of trying to survive what we have? most likely not.

could i do it? tell them that their father is alive but doesnt know they are. doesnt remember bringing oakley home for the first time and changing our home of 2, to 3. or when willow took her first steps right into her dads arms. doesnt remember their earliest memories of him, spending all day long playing in the meadow behind the house.

could you?

so i sit in my chair, it might as well be mine now. it's not like peeta would remember it. hes been in 4 for a few months now. i trace my fingers along it trying to reach for him again. seeing him was like, coming up for fresh air after drowning for an entire year, barely able to keep your nose above the water. but him looking me in my eyes and saying he doesnt remember our life together, was the final tug to take me under water.

and as i traced my fingers along the chair the only thing i can think of is the way his blue eyes shined and how they put every star to shame. how he looked at me with so much love and happiness.

Dr. lynch is treating peeta, says they used a memory blocker. everytime that he thought he was dreaming of me was them alternating it, to where he was alone or i just wasnt around. i write to him but he hasnt wrote back. i dont blame him. it probably makes it harder. they say he shows promise of reverting the memories back, but its not for sure. nothing is guaranteed, and really nothing in this life is.

"You came home"

i wish he were here. i try to tell myself its for the best, but theres been this small glimmer of hope that has decided to shine back through in my eyes and i realized, it was gone in my kids. and maybe telling them would be better.

i walked up to their room after i bathed the girls and laid them down to sleep. before i leave their nursery i look around it. thinking of how peeta would love to paint the walls like he did the other two. how he loved to draw them when they were sleeping next to him on the couch. i walked back over to the girls and ran my fingers along their chubby cheeks.

"i know you guys dont know it, but your daddy loved you girls so much" i whisper careful not to wake theem, "and i hope he will be able to show you that one day"

i walk out and brace myself for the two oldest. willow was sitting on oakleys floor watching a movie. i knocked a little and they looked over to me, "hey mom" oakley smiled and i nodded and sat next to him on his bed. i patted the spot next to me for willow to come sit.

"theres something i need to tell you two. and i want you to know that no matter how you react it isnt wrong, you can be mad, sad, happy, any way you feel to whoever is not wrong okay?" i say and they look to eachother first and then nod back to me.

"okay" i sigh.

could you do this? because peeta always had the better words and im not sure how to.

"a few months ago, a rumor came about to uncle haymitch that dad was still alive" i say and they gasped but i hushed them, "we looked and it was nothing but a rumor. until president paylor shows up telling me he was indeed captured and alive. so when i left the other night i went to try to save him."

"you promised me youd save peeta over me!"

"daddy was there, and hes alive" i say and i tears flooded my kids eyes as they jumped into my arms. we sat there for hours and all cried. out of sadness out of happiness. out of every emotion one could feel finding out that their parent was alive after trying to survive without his safe embrace for a year.

"can we see him?" cried oakley and i shook my head, "no baby, hes in district 4. where aunt annie lives. where uncle finnick used to, at the hospital there. he um, had his memory taken away about us. he doesnt remember you or me. but they are going to try to make him come back to us." i say this and they dont talk much after.

we sit in silence for a while until willow lets out a small sob, "i know this sounds bad, but even if dad never comes home to us im happy hes alive. i feel like my heart hurt a little less now" she says and i see prim. and i see rue. and i see how brave she is and how all of this made her age past her years.

20 years have came and went since he came through my door. we never quite made it back to who we were before. and it hurts me, to think of peeta before the light in his eyes was gone. before it was gone in mine.

and sometimes i dont know why this world cant leave well enough alone.

but peeta is soft and loving and even though he didnt know who i was to him at that moment and he had been captured and memories taken away he was the one holding onto me and comforting me.

the phone ringing brings me out of my thoughts and i kiss the kids on their heads and walk down stairs to answer the phone.

"hello" i sniffle and his voice is like the warm sun beating down on your face for the first time after a long cold winter. like the dandelion in the spring promising me were not doomed.

"hi, its peeta" he says and i know that of course.

"how are you?" i ask afraid of the response. i wanted to tell him i love him. how much we miss him and the kids are okay and they know you are alive.

"doing well, thank you" he says before letting out a small cough, "i would like to, if its okay with you, come home for a weekend." he says and i widen my eyes. one because of the words he spoke and because blakey started to cry upstairs.

"the doctors think since the memory blockage fluid is out of my system some things will come back if im with you guys, and if not its okay i understand and-" i try to cut him off.

"peeta-" i was going to say please, please come home.

"katniss i want, to come be with you guys" he says and i nod like he can see me but the tears are flowing to much and im afraid he will hear it.

"you there?" he asks and i let out a small laugh.

"please do. please come home" i say into the phone. and for the first time that i said the words i wasnt speaking to a ghost or to the wind or maybe even the trees but to him.

and he says, "always"