what happened to louisa xun

twenty

MAJOR TW

2019
daniel set his cell phone down, a hand over his mouth and a tear rolling down his eye. had he just heard what he thought he heard? it had been a decade, granted, but he thought things had been getting better for lou.

she moved to nevada and tried to start a family, only to find she was infertile. he still remembers the call they had the night she found out. they both never found another lover. after drew died she couldn't, it hadn't felt right. they kept in contact for years, then a couple months ago she went m.i.a, picking up calls but never making them and then not answering them all together.

it was louisa's mom that called. she explained through sobs that lou had been found dead in her apartment, an empty bottle of sleeping pills and vodka next her her pale body. apparently she hadn't been going to work for a week, she was dead in her apartment for two days.

another tear fell down his face, and he tried to muffle his sobs with his hand. he could have changed something. he could have called more, maybe she just needed someone to talk to. what the fuck, he let his legs collapse under him, sobs escaping his mouth as he thought about what he didn't do.

it was a thirty minute drive to the xun's house. dennis was his usual self, rude remarks and stares that lasted for too long. daniel couldn't care, he wasn't here for that.

"you haven't changed a bit," a genuine smile crossed huifang's face. she was right. his hair was still long and blond, he had his rugged and beautiful exterior and it shone through the sadness he felt. "she's, um, she's in the back."

daniel nodded and walked towards the back of the room. there she was, beautiful black hair was cut to her shoulders now, red lipstick graced her lips and her eyes were closed. she looked dead, of course, her skin was too pale for her to be alive. daniel let a tear slide down his cheek.

"what's up," he spoke quietly. he didn't expect for the body in front of him to respond. "i need to get some things off my chest, louie."

he grabbed a chair and sat down in front of the open casket, "i'm sorry, truly, i am. i'm sorry for everything, the pain, the hurt. i'm sorry for trying to replace you. i'm sorry for- for not asking you how you felt when you came back."

"i wish i could've told you this face to face, you know, with you alive and well. i didn't know you were hurting so much, lou. why didn't you tell me it hurt so much? i wish i could hate you but-" he choked on his words. "it's my fault. i put you through all of this shit. i've loved you this whole time, babe. i wanted to start a family with you. you know- i was so close to saying fuck it and moving in with you."

"louisa, i don't know if you can hear me, i hope you're not in hell. i love you, baby, i'm so sorry! please, god, fuck," he rested his forehead in his hands. "please, fuck, don't let this be real. i cant believe you're really dead, lou. this is bullshit, i can't fucking believe this."

he recalled the moment lou's mom called him. the second she hung up and the hour he spent crying on his bedroom floor. he couldn't get the image of her dead body laying on her floor out of his mind. it was real, she was dead.

"louisa, i was so fucking mad at you when i was at that party. i got drunk and got into that truck thinking about you, lou. i don't think i wanted to die but i was just mad as hell. when you came to the hospital that day and you told me-" he paused to control his voice. "that drew got shot, and you were so fucking sad. the hate i felt for her just disappeared and i wish, fuck i wish i could take your pain away and feel it for myself."

"it sucked seeing you like that. so i pretended that you weren't and tried to not acknowledge it and i know now that it fucked you up so badly. i'm so sorry, lou, why didn't you call me?"

he felt a hand in his shoulder and turned to see huifang. she sniffled and handed him a paper, "this was from her."

____

hey fuckshit. do people still call you that?

i'm sitting in my room right now, i think it's over for me, to be honest. this heavy feeling won't go, i'm sorry i haven't called you, i don't know what we'd talk about. i hope my mom will give this to you at my funeral, if not then my third attempt didn't work, but third times a charm.

i want you to know that this is not because of you, the time i spent with george has weighed down in my soul and i can't live this life any longer. you are one of the best things to happen to me, i miss your kisses and hugs. please don't cry, i do and always will love you.

there is a bottle of pills sitting in front of me right now. this is the last letter i'm writing to the people i love. [words scratched out in pen] you couldn't have done anything different.

love, lou
ps. someone is waiting for you at the ocruhtuoes 9pm