The Reckless Collision

Bonus Chapter Two| The Diary Of Jane

Excerpt from Samantha's diary. 

I still can't believe he is gone, I miss my Grandpa every day, and this feeling is not something I felt before. It's different from when I missed him, knowing I can always visit or call him, this feels so permanent. The feeling of longing for his hug and voice, his always encouraging words, is killing me slowly.

It has been six months and that feeling keeps creeping in, sometimes for a split second I forget he is dead and pick up the phone to call him, but I remember that he is gone. I found it comforting, knowing I spend as much time as I can with Grandpa and that he lived longer than doctors expected.

I recently shared my loss with Ray, and no one understood it as much as he did. He didn't say much, but I can see it in his eyes, he experience such loss, and he knows exactly how I feel.

I still don't know so much about Ray, but I'm starting to love the feeling of finding something new about him, it's like addiction and I get a fix every day. This feeling is new and something I needed in my life.

With Tom I always knew what to expect, I can guess his thoughts and actions. But with Ray, I can't, it's scary in a good way. Maybe the comfort I felt with Tom, knowing everything there is to know about him kept me from actually coming out of my shell, and discovering what I want in my life.

It's all because of Raymond in a way, if not for him bumping into me, I would never know about Scott, and I would probably be back in New York by now, miserable but in the comfort of Tom's arms.

Scott, I have to think about him every day, I never thought about him as much as these past days. I just want to know, why? Why does he feel the need to follow me? I am not that interesting, and my life is boring, all those photos looked exactly the same, I just wore different clothes. So it's boring, it must be very tiresome to watch me do the same things every day.

Another, thing which is bothering me, is why he never told me about his feelings. I am stupid, and I needed to listen to Mollly. But I feel like if Scott would've told me about his feelings, things would be much different.

I would've shut him out, though I couldn't date him. And now the results are the same, he won't be in my life. But I would rather find out sooner than later and it feels that it's too late.

Knowing all of this earlier would save me from this shitty, dirty feeling. I feel like I haven't showered in a week if I see him or think about him for a bit longer, it's getting out of control.

I can't even pick outfits without thinking about them too much, they feel unwashed, and itchy at times, just because I wore them in the photos Scott took. I am glad to give them away, the closet needed clean up anyway.

I feel suffocated in my own home, and I always loved being here. Maybe a change of scenery will help to ease my mind and the distance will force Scott to stop. I hope it will.