what's his face || bang chan

VII

𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓰 : 𝓲𝓽'𝓼 𝔂𝓸𝓾
𝓪𝓵𝓲 𝓰𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓮

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Tuesday, September 8th, 2020
I fell asleep face down last night. I was too embarrassed to even move. I hate myself for even typing what I typed. Why in the world would I type love. Now he probably thinks I'm desperate to go with him. Not fun. I've got to hide from him today. Maybe I'll go to the nurse during 8th period so he can't talk to me.

"Honey? What's a matter?" mom placed her hand on mine. "You have your regret face on"

"I have a regret face?"

"Nothing ma. Everything is just fine"

"I'm trained to read people honey. I know not everything is just fine, but I won't pressure you into telling me anything. Here's just some advice, you shouldn't hold regret for too long, everything happens for a reason" she smiled.

"I hate when you're right"

Things I want/Goals
- 9/2/2020 I want what's his face to notice me
- 9/3/2020 I want to gain self-confidence ;)
- 9/4//2020 I want to be less shy around him
- 9/5/2020 invite him to the fair
- 9/7/2020 be more...spontaneous
- 9/8/2020 stop regretting everything:)

~~

I decided to go to the bathroom during 7th period to freshen up. Aka I was falling asleep. I was slowly strolling when a whistle echoed through the empty hall. I stopped in my tracks and slowly turned my head, not knowing who to expect. When my eyes landed on what's his face walking towards me, I sighed in relief. A smile creeped on my face as we started walking in unison. He stood close enough that I could smell that familiar scent. Vanilla.

"How can I possibly breath when you're this close?"

"So, where you headed?" he asked.

"Bathroom. You?"

"Back to class" There was a quick moment of silence. "I have to talk to you about something. It's kind of important"

My heart skipped a beat. "He probably wants to talk about our 'date'"

"Well I hope it can wait because I really have to use the bathroom" I picked up the pace and took a sharp turn into the girl's restroom. I wasn't sure if I felt bad for walking away so suddenly or wanted to tell him that I'm not sure I want to go.

"This can't be good. I'm not even sure I want to go with him anymore but I can't just back down after I agreed. It was an offer and I already said I'd LOVE to go so I can't just say no now" I rambled as I stared at myself in the mirror. "If we have this talk I might just tell him that I don't want to go. But that'll probably make him feel horrible which would make me feel terrible" my thoughts wouldn't stop. "But if I avoid and ignore him he'll probably feel the same way. Either way. There's no way to get out of this" I sighed. "What am I going to do?" I splashed water on my face to wake me up.

"Hopefully I can stay awake to find out" I whispered to myself.

~~

Before I knew it I was sitting behind him in 8th period, coming up with a plan to get out of the classroom.

"I could go to the nurse but they'd probably just send me back with an ice pack. If I ask to use the bathroom he'll probably mention that I already went-"

Changbin's hand flew above his head.

"Don't ask to go to the bathroom. Don't ask to go to the bathroom" I crossed my fingers.

"May I use the bathroom?"

"SERIOUSLY? Was he reading my mind or something?"

What's his face turned around. "Hey can we talk now?"

"NO! TURN THE HELL BACK AROUND!"

"I-um- sure" I hesitated.

"I wanted to ask you...what are we...exactly?"

I almost sighed because I was glad it wasn't about the date, until I realized what he asked. "What?"

"Like do we have a title or something? Are we talking? Friends? Almost talking?"

"YOU CANT PUT ME ON THE SPOT LIKE THIS"

"I- I don't really know..."

"We're going on a date aren't we?"

"Oh please don't bring that up"

"I mean, yea but-"

"And we haven't even started talking. So I'm thinking almost talking...? We totally don't have to put a title on it. I was just asking because I..." he sighed. I could tell he wanted to say more. "It's complicated. Never mind" he turned around.

"Chris?" I had never actually said his name before. It felt so natural leaving my lips. He turned to face me again. "EyEeee...really liKe yOu" is what I wanted to say, but what I really said was "I'm-"

"FUCK JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY"

"When are we going on this 'date'?"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS JIWOO? THE ONE THING YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BRING UP...YOU BRUNG UP! YOURE LITERALLY GOING TO REGRET THIS"

"We can go this Saturday" I totally disregarded what he said.

"And that's it. I have to stop regretting everything" I whispered.

"Huh?" what's his face questioned.

"If we keep moving at this pace, we're not going to get anywhere"

"Can I tell you something?" I blurted. Apparently my mouth is getting quite good at doing that lately.

"I mean, sure why not?" he scoffed.

"At first, I did not want to take you up on your offer. But last night, I was contemplating things I could say if I were to agree. And, Uh, well let's just say I accidentally sent the message to you. So I've been regretting it and trying to avoid you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings" I confessed. "But everything happens for a reason and maybe this date could be good for us"

It felt like I lifted a boulder from my shoulders or like clouds opened up and I felt the sun for the first time. I'm normally never one to confess. Quite frankly, I'm not one to share my feelings at all, but once my words started flowing, they wouldn't stop. Everything was just coming out at once. I didn't know what I expected him to say. If I was him I wouldn't know how to begin. He kind of just stared blankly at me. I guess he was just taking in what I just dumped on him.

"Wow. Okay. May I just say that is the most you've ever said to me?" he smiled. "But I'm really glad that you're up to doing it now, because I think it could be good for us too"