Peaky Blinders Imagines

"I need to leave before I change my mind."

John Shelby Imagine #2

Epsom. Derby Day. The day I finally broke.

     I sat at a table near the track, smoking what I counted was my fifth cigarette. There were a few people still lingering around, and I was hoping the Shelby's had already left. I didn't want to run into them right now. Not when I was like this-- with what I had planned.

     "Oi, Y/N, What the fuck are you doing here?" Arthur's voice called from behind me.

I didn't turn to see him. I knew he'd sit with me.     Just as I figured he would, Arthur sat in the seat across from me. What I did not expect was for John to take the seat next to me. I was hoping to not have to do this now, but it seems fate had other plans.

     "I am glad I caught you before you left." I lied, taking a long drag of the cigarette perched in my hand.

    "Ay, why's that?" Arthur asked, grabbing a half empty drink on the table, examining what was inside before tossing it behind him.

     "Yeah and what the hell happened to you?" John leaned forward slightly in his chair. I felt him reach for my free hand, but I pulled it away. I couldn't feel his touch right now.

     "Tommy happened." I replied, tapping in the end of my cigarette.

John instantly grabbed my hand, making my whole body jolt. "Tommy did this to you?"   

"No, John," I pulled my hand away, "Business for Tommy."    I needed not nor wanted to go into detail. They knew what I meant.

    "He has you doing that shit again?" John placed an arm on the table, turning to face me. I immediately felt like curling into a ball.

     I didn't answer. I took a drag of the cigarette, then put it on the table before reaching for another. John sighed and said something to Arthur but my mind blocked everything out. It wouldn't change what I was about to do.

     "Oh it'll be alright. We're celebrating at the Garrison tonight, that'll cheer you up." Arthur said, trying to change the subject of the matter.

     "I'm not going to the Garrison tonight, Arthur." I flicked my cigarette away.

     "Why the hell not?"

"I won't even be in Birmingham by tonight." I turned away when both of them looked towards me. John's stare was burning holes into the side of my face.

    "What the hell are you talking about?" John asked "Where are you going?"

I went to speak but stopped myself. Fuck, why couldn't I say it?. "I'm leaving, John. I'm leaving Birmingham."

"What? What do you mean your fucking leaving?" John tried to get me to look at him but I pulled away, shaking my head.

     "I gotta get out of here, John."

     "Why the fuck would you want to?" Athur asked, finally piping in.

     "You have no reason to leave, Y/N." John added.

     "Yet there is also nothing keeping me here," I fixed a lock of my hair that fell in front of my face, "You're married now, John, to a good woman," he turned away from me, "My husband is dead, and Tommy has Lizzie for his secretary now, as he seems to think I make a better whore." I felt a tear fall down my cheek so I wiped it away, "I deserve better. And I won't get that here."    

Arthur groaned and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. When I looked at John, he was looking down at his hands resting on the table, whispering to himself.

     "John, I--" I jumped when John quickly reached out at me, grabbing both sides of my face in his hands and resting his forehead on mine. My heart was almost beating out of my chest.    

"John, for Christ's sake." Arthur reached over to get John to let go, but he swatted him away.

"Please, don't leave, Y/N." He whispered, his voice shaking.

     "John."

"I swear, I'll fix this-- I'll talk to Tommy."

"John, stop." I tried to take his hand away but he stayed firm.

     "Just don't fucking leave." I saw the tears fighting their way out of his eyes. I grabbed onto both of his hands.

"Please." I felt my own tears trying to break free.

     "You can't fucking leave me!" He shouted, finally breaking down, a tear breaking the surface. I didn't feel my own tears running down my face until I felt a drop on my hand.

     "For fucks sake, John." Arthur stood up, walking over and pulling John off of me.

     "I-- I need to leave before I change my mind." I stood up, wiping the tears on my face.

     John pushed Arthur away from him and came back over to me, "So fucking stay." He was almost begging and it broke my heart more than I thought was possible.

    I shook my head slowly, and more tears began falling after I did.

     When he didn't respond, I fought back more tears and turned away, working up the courage to walk away. I made it about ten steps before I stopped, debating whether I wanted to keep going. I turned back around, just in time to see John running towards me.     Without words he once again grabbed onto my face, albeit much gentler than before, kissing me with what I believed he put every once of energy he had into it. He pulled away after a few seconds, wiping one of my new tears away with his thumb.

     "I'll miss you most, John. You were the only good man I ever loved, and you deserve better too."

     "There is no better than you, Y/N. You know that."

"That's not true. Esme is a good woman. She treats you well. I wouldn't ask for better for you." I grabbed onto his hand, tracing his class ring. I loved that ring. It reminded me of when we went to school together.     "Fuck. I'm going to cry again." I said, fanning my face softly.

     "Take it," John said, pulling his ring off his finger and putting it into my hand, closing my fingers around it. When I went to hand it back he put his hands up, "I'm not taking it back so you hold onto it."

I looked up at him, feeling myself stare for much longer than I should have. "There is something in your eyes, John, that I've never seen in anyone's else's." I paused for a moment, taking another look at him, "You should get out."

I took a few steps back from him and waited. What for? Im not sure. In my mind, maybe I wanted him to come with me. To leave this all behind. But I knew he couldn't; and he wouldn't. He wasn't going to come with me even if I had asked him.

     "Goodbye, John."

I waited again, but he didn't respond. After a few moments I walked back over to him but he stopped me. It was as if it was too much for him.

"You're not going to say goodbye to me?" I asked, my voice breaking slightly. I'm sure he heard the crack in my voice.

"You know I'm not going to be able to say it, so you're just going to have to walk away."

     A whole new wave of tears threatened to come out but I held them back. I nodded at him, giving him the best smile I could before turning around. As I walked away I debated whether I was making a mistake and should stop-- but I kept going.