Afterglow

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I hate being up at two in the morning.

Because once again, I am at the peak of overthinking. Tila mga along sunod-sunod na rumaragasa ang bawat tanong, takot, at pangamba.

I sighed as I watched the hands of the clock move. I closed my eyes and submerged myself in darkness. Kung hindi matakasan ang agos, marahil magpapalunod na lang ako rito.

"If you can't sleep, count."

I remember Asher telling me this nang ikwento ko sa kanya kung gaano kagulo ang aking isipan tuwing pinipilit kong matulog.

Kaya sinubukan ko.

What should I count? Ilang beses ko na kasing sinubukan subalit nahihirapan talaga akong magbilang nang walang binibilang. When my mind is blank, I just feel suffocated. Para bang sinasakal ako ng kadiliman.

Sheeps? No, too mainstream.

Letters? What?

Boats? No, ang hirap mag-isip ng iba't ibang imahe ng bangka.

Stars? Better, I guess?

Okay.

One star. Two stars. Three.

Why is the future so uncertain?

Four.

Will someone ever exert an effort—

Stop. Five.

—to get to know me?

Six.

Who among my friends secretly hate me?

Seven.

Why does everyone like Kass—

Ugh! I can't do this.

I opened my eyes. I looked at the wall opposite my bed. This is where I hang my polaroids. My favorite memories with the people I treasure the most are all documented, organized in my own way. Magulo at halos kinokontra ng mga litrato ang kulay ng isa't isa, but they simply reflect the way I am.

Spontaneous. Carefree. Messy.

I write a poem as a caption for every picture. These help me relive each moment easily. Napangiti at napailing ako habang tinititigan ang mga litrato at inaalala ang mga sandali kung kailan kinunan ang mga ito. Bakit ba kung ano-anong iniisip ko?

My friends have always been there for me. Of course, they do love me.

Or do they?

"If you can't sleep, count—"

Asher gently patted my head, "—or you can simply allow your thoughts fill your mind. Hindi mo mamamalayang tulog ka na."

So I did.

I sat up and pulled my journal from my side drawer. Mas gusto ko kasing sinusulat lahat ng bumabagabag sa isip ko. This serves as my coping mechanism, at sa ganitong paraan, I am turning my anxiety into art. As I bleed through my words.

I have been keeping this journal since I was in 5th grade. Niregalo ito sa akin nina Mama pagkatapos kong manalo sa isang kompetisyon. It is a simple hard bound journal, lavander in color with vibrant purpletop vervains in the corners. A sweet mix of summer and spring, it captured my heart the moment I laid my eyes on it. I wanted it to be my bestfriend. I wanted it to know all my secrets. Lahat ng tanong, takot, at pangamba. All of me, and still stay.

This journal suits me perfectly. I printed out my name on a scented sticker paper.

Lavander Xynth Marquez
Living to the fullest doesn't mean risking it all.